Mother's Day

Definitely one of the toughest days for an infertile. Two years ago, I had JUST gotten married a few weeks before. We (I) hadn't even gotten the first AF while married yet. And even though the rational side of me already knew the possible difficulties I would be facing at almost-39, the rest of me thought that by the following year, I'd either have a baby, or be sporting a pretty big belly!

Then last year, I was just coming off our first negative IUI, after receiving bad news at the infertility testing, and having no luck with just chlomid for a few months. In our family, I traditionally throw a big BBQ's for Mother's and Father's Day. And luckily, my family and my in-laws all get along really well, so these are usually pretty large bashes - 30+ people at least. My heart really wasn't in it last year, to say the least.

Now this year is strange. I don't have to deal with the big party, since I had canceled when I originally thought I would be in the middle of my 3rd IVF. I haven't told extended family about my pregnancy, so I left the canceled party alone (besides, I'm trying hard not to stress!), and am just having my mom, step-dad, brother and nephew over for a very casual dinner. So the day itself will be very enjoyable and stress-free, but I'm not sure what I'm feeling.

Am I a mother now? Do I celebrate Mother's Day as a mom? I don't feel like a mother, and I feel like it could all go away at any minute. This is a very weird in-between stage where I'm not sure what I feel, what I can believe in, what I can count on. Make no mistake, I'll take this uncertainly over the feelings I had last year, no doubt! I guess I'm just surprised to feel so confused about it.

So I'm not expecting to be celebrated in any official way. This year, my surprise, out-of-the-blue BFP last month and the heartbeat I saw yesterday are the best gifts I could ever imagine!