Friday, May 8, 2009

Mother's Day

Definitely one of the toughest days for an infertile. Two years ago, I had JUST gotten married a few weeks before. We (I) hadn't even gotten the first AF while married yet. And even though the rational side of me already knew the possible difficulties I would be facing at almost-39, the rest of me thought that by the following year, I'd either have a baby, or be sporting a pretty big belly!

Then last year, I was just coming off our first negative IUI, after receiving bad news at the infertility testing, and having no luck with just chlomid for a few months. In our family, I traditionally throw a big BBQ's for Mother's and Father's Day. And luckily, my family and my in-laws all get along really well, so these are usually pretty large bashes - 30+ people at least. My heart really wasn't in it last year, to say the least.

Now this year is strange. I don't have to deal with the big party, since I had canceled when I originally thought I would be in the middle of my 3rd IVF. I haven't told extended family about my pregnancy, so I left the canceled party alone (besides, I'm trying hard not to stress!), and am just having my mom, step-dad, brother and nephew over for a very casual dinner. So the day itself will be very enjoyable and stress-free, but I'm not sure what I'm feeling.

Am I a mother now? Do I celebrate Mother's Day as a mom? I don't feel like a mother, and I feel like it could all go away at any minute. This is a very weird in-between stage where I'm not sure what I feel, what I can believe in, what I can count on. Make no mistake, I'll take this uncertainly over the feelings I had last year, no doubt! I guess I'm just surprised to feel so confused about it.

So I'm not expecting to be celebrated in any official way. This year, my surprise, out-of-the-blue BFP last month and the heartbeat I saw yesterday are the best gifts I could ever imagine!


  1. You ARE a mom! Grab it, hold it, cherish it, own it. This is your baby and it always will be.

    I hope and pray every step of your pregnancy goes perfectly and that in just under 9 months you have a beautiful, healthy baby. But I can tell you from my own experience at having miscarried twice during the first trimester, those lost babies are still my babies, and I am still their mom, and one day we will be together again. And even though I lost them, I still remember and cherish the moments that they were with me.

    So let me be your first bloggy friend to wish you a Happy Mother's Day!

  2. I think you should totally enjoy Mother's Day! Do it for all us girls who aren't there just yet :-) Get breakfast in bed. Be pampered - and savour every second!

  3. You are definately a Mom. I am so excited to see your BFP naturally!!! Isn't life just hoot sometimes?