Conceiving Life After 40

Daddy's Little Girl

2010-04-20T16:39:00.003-04:00

My little Aysia has her daddy wrapped right around her precious little finger. No doubt about it!

As you know, we didn't find out the gender until she was born. And DH always said he would be so happy either way, but I guess I always thought that deep down, he probably preferred a boy, just a little. He's a typical man in a lot of ways - very handy around the house, likes sports, plays golf. But he's also pretty modern - well groomed, fashionable, and handles the role reversal we have where I'm the breadwinner and he does more of the cooking and cleaning than I do. I guess I figured he would want a little boy to teach things like golf, building/fixing things, someone to play sports with, etc. And I think I was subconsciously leaning towards a boy because of that.

Well, when Aysia was born and the nurse told us she was a girl, we both cried tears of joy. There was a tiny part of me that was afraid he might be disappointed, but I was so happy that I had a little girl. I feel like I have a lot to offer a girl as far as showing her there are many paths that a woman can take, and the traditional gender roles are not the only way to go, or the only way to be happy. So when I asked DH how he felt (later, when we had calmed down from all the excitement a bit), I was so happy to hear what he had to say. He said he couldn't be happier with a girl, because he will still play sports with her, teach her golf, show her how to build and fix things. PLUS he gets the cuddles and charm and preciousness of a little girl on top of all that. He said he realized that with a girl, he can have it all.

And since then, he grows more and more in love with her. At least 4 or 5 times, I've seen him crying, and when I asked why, he says that he's just so happy we have her. That sometimes, he gets choked up just thinking about her and how lucky we are, especially when for a while, we thought we might not ever have a baby. He said there have been a few times when someone asks about how Aysia is, that he has a hard time holding back his tears. That is so touching to me.

And I have to say, I'm so lucky to have him. He wants to be completely involved with her. He even likes doing the diapers! He says that in the beginning, since she was breastfeeding and sleeping most of the time, that the diaper changings were the longest moments he would have with her some days. And now, she loves to "talk" and "play" when she's on the changing table (I think she likes being up high and being able to look around), so those are nice moments for him to interact with her. He's very good at getting her cleaned up properly after an "explosion", and he's very, very good at getting her dressed, even with the "foolish" outfits that I sometimes buy with lots of buttons and stuff. One day, he came home with a sly smile on his face, and broke out a huge BRU bag with a ton of cute little outfits for her. Really nice stuff, too! And in the 6-9 month size, since we already had so much 0-6m sizes as gifts - very smart of him.

He's also very calm with her when they're alone together. If she gets fussy, he runs through his head - diaper, food, burp, sleep - and as long as those main things are taken care of, then he knows she's fine and he just needs to distract her, hold her, walk her, etc. and she'll calm down.

But the best is to see the smiles she gives him. Without a doubt, he gets the biggest grins and even laughs from her, it's just adorable. And while maybe I'm a little jealous, as she looks at me like I'm lunch (she stares at my boobs, not my eyes sometimes!!), I'm so glad that she's just as in love with him as he is with her.

Bedtime

2010-04-15T09:55:00.002-04:00

Last week we had a big milestone.... We moved Aysia out of the pack n play bassinet in our room, and into her crib in her own room!

I did this on Friday night, thinking that if it did not work out well, and she was up all night, that we'd have 2 days to work out the kinks before I had to be back at work. Well, she slept her usual 8 hours the first night! What a relief! Me, however, I kept waking up all through that first night. It felt so weird to not have her right next to me. To not hear all of those cute little noises she makes all through the night (except through the monitor, not the same!). I felt like there was a huge hole next to the bed where the bassinet was.

But I also felt proud - it was like she was taking a step in growing up a little bit. In having a little independence. Proud, yet sad at the same time. And this is an act of independence that I controlled... and one I can watch obsessively on the video monitor. (best purchase ever - a video monitor with a 7" tv screen that we keep in the bedroom, plus a portable 2" screen that we keep downstairs - makes it easy to tell if her noises are sleepy noises, or if she's awake, saves a lot of running up and down stairs to check!). Imagine when she starts being independent on her own, how it will affect me!

Anyway... the rest of the week was up and down with sleep. I always put her down around 8pm, and two nights she woke up around 11, then again at 4/5, the other nights she slept all the way to 4/5 without waking up. But last night.... down at 8:30, up at 6:30. 10 hours - whoo hoo!! And I had actually gone to bed early as I've been exhausted. Sadly, though, I didn't pump at 10 or 11 like I usually do, and then I woke up at 4:30 with insanely engorged breasts!

I was lying there thinking - if I go pump, she'll wake up and I'll have no milk, she'll be waking any minute, so just relax and wait for it. Well, I waited for two hours and she was still sleeping, and I was very sore! Now I'm stressing because I have an 8:30 meeting at work, have to drop her at daycare, and still have to shower. So I get in the shower and tell DH to let me know when she wakes. Not two minutes later, hair mid-shampoo, he's at the door. He changes her diaper and dresses her while I condition and dry off. And, wow, she was hungry! But I'll tell you, even though she ate a lot, I could tell I still had milk in me, and when I got to work and pumped, I still got over 8oz!! I can't believe how much can fit into these "previously barely-B's, now full-C's".

Needless to say, I didn't get the full advantage of her 10 hours of sleep, but I did get a nice dinner with DH, a solid 6 hours of sleep, and a bountiful first pump of the day - can't complain about that!

It's been a while....

2010-04-08T13:18:00.002-04:00

It's been a long time since my last post!

Actually, it's been a long time for a lot of things... feeling fully rested, staying up past 10, being up to date on my TIVO, going out to dinner or a movie, reading a book about anything other than baby development. Not that I'm complaining, these activities have been replaced by some pretty wonderful things!

Aysia is now pretty reliably sleeping 7-9 hours straight. Then a quick feeding and another 2 hours. We put her to bed around 8, she wakes around 4 to nurse, then back to sleep until about 7. We get to have a nice dinner and conversation at night, which I really enjoy. Unfortunately I'm so tired, I usually go right to bed after dinner! I have found that with work and Aysia, I'm so much more tired than when I was on maternity, even though she was sleeping a lot less.

One thing we don't have down is the nap situation. I find it very hard to get her to nap during the day. So does my mom. At daycare, though, she usually naps pretty well. And the more she naps, the more she sleeps at night. Strange how that works!

Speaking of daycare, I am amazed at how well behaved she is. I think she's really just mesmorized by all the activity, and they tell me she only cries when she needs to be fed or changed. At home, she gets fussy a lot more and wants to be held and walked and bounced, whereas at daycare, she's happy to sit in a bouncy or swing and play with toys or just watch the other kids. I LOVE that there is a live video so I can watch her from my laptop. It's so reassuring. And the girls at daycare love her. She is the only girl in the Infant room of 8 babies, and she is definitely the favorite. And I'm all for anything that gives her more attention and cuddles!!

Today was picture day at daycare, so I dressed her in the cutest pink taffeta dress (and then quickly put her in a sleep and play right after - she does not like the dresses, tights, etc.). I think the photographer got some smiles out of her. I can't wait to see the pics.

On the breastfeeding front, she is still going strong. Much quicker at feeding, which is great, and I haven't gotten a blocked duct in a while, which is also great! She has developed this weird habit, though, that's killing me. Only on one side, she nurses for a little while, then keeps rotating her head so my nipple slides out. Then she quickly turns back and re-latches. Over and over. It's painful like a rug burn type of pain. I've checked to see if there's still milk, and there is. I've tried to burp her thinking it might be gas, but it's not. I'm really struggling with this, and it's so strange because it's only one side. So I end up just switching her to the other side, but then the breast doesn't get fully depleted (which could lead to a blocked duct...).

Otherwise, the pumping is going well. As long as I'm in the office and not traveling, it's pretty easy. I just had to rotate out all the frozen milk and re-freeze freshly pumped milk, as I was nearing the 3 month deadline for frozen milk. I'm slowly losing ground on keeping up with what she eats, but I'm not going to stress about it (yeah, right!). I figure, if we get a rainy day on a weekend, and I'm stuck in the house with her, I'll try to pump between every feeding to boost up my frozen supply.

We've been taking her outside a lot more, and I have to say I'm surprised she doesn't love the outdoors or even the stroller walks. I think she's surprised by the breeze, probably because she was inside so much as an infant, being born in December. I hope she gets used to it and starts to enjoy it more, because I want to be outside a lot now that it's nicer weather.

Anyway, life is good. Real good. There are new little things that happen every day, and so much to look forward to. And yes, I'm exhausted, and yes, it's hard to be away from her. And yes, my social life has completely changed. But it's all good and it's definitely all worth it!

First trip

2010-03-17T14:24:00.002-04:00

Well, today I had my first business trip since Aysia was born. In and out of Detroit for a 2 hour meeting.

I had to leave at 4am to catch a 6am flight. Which meant getting up at 3. Yikes! Now, we've had 7 days in a row of Aysia sleeping 7-8.5 hours straight, usually 8pm to 4am, and then a quick feeding, followed by another 2 hour sleep. However, last night?? Not so. I did the bedtime routine, and put her down at 8. Slept for a few mins, then cried. DH's turn. Few minutes, then cried. My turn - I nursed again. Slept a few minute, cried. DH - same. Now it's almost 10. So I settled in bed, put on the TV, and planted her on my boob. We alternated between nursing, watching TV, and sleeping in my arms until around 1am, and then I put her down. She slept til about 3:30. I didn't have time to nurse her and finish getting ready before my ride at 4, so DH fed her while I pumped (I hate that - much rather nurse, but it takes longer!).

So needless to say, it was a tiring night and busy morning! But my biggest stress was pumping and storing the milk while I traveled.

I am happy to say, that I have been able to pump twice, and I have a total of 14.5 oz! I have had to pump in the restroom at the Detroit airport, standing up in a stall. Not the best situation at all. Luckily the restrooms in Detroit are a lot nicer and cleaner than Newark! In fact, I got my biggest pump to date - 8 oz during the first pump. And I have to say, I'm proud. Quite an accomplishment, considering when I first started pumping I would be lucky to get 2 oz! And I even had the nerve to ask my client if they had a fridge I could use, so I could store the milk/icepack while we met. And I had to tell all the airport security I had breast milk and an ice pack to take through security. Newark gave me a little bit of a hard time - they pointed out there was no milk, just the gel pack, and I pointed out that I needed the frozen gel pack to keep the milk cold once I pumped it. We went back and forth a bit, but I won! So hopefully it will stay chilled until I get home around 7pm.

So the good thing is that I will hopefully not lose as much ground as far as milk as I thought, but the bad news is that by only pumping twice, I'm not helping my milk supply at all.

One thing that has really surprised me - pumping is much harder to do and limits you MUCH more than breastfeeding. I can feed Aysia in public with a nursing cover, pretty much anywhere. Nothing to lug around, nothing to wash. Very easy. But you can't pump in public, you need to be somewhere private, like a smelly restroom (I have a pumping bra that allows you to be hands-free, and it looks crazy, with these two big flanges sticking out of your chest!). You have to lug the pump with you. You have to be able to store the milk and keep it cold, and you have to wash the pump parts if you need to use it again before you return home. So much more complicated than breastfeeding. Luckily, at work I have an office, so I keep a second pump there, along with a small fridge, and all the supplies. But when traveling - what a pain!

I can easily see how it becomes too hard to keep up breastfeeding once back to work. My goal is 6 months, but I'll just do the best I can. I do have about 30 oz stored up in the freezer, plus another 40 or so in the fridge, but she's drinking more and more - probably around 24-30 oz a day. But as difficult as it is, I like feeling like I'm doing something good for her while I'm away at work. Helps with the guilt of being at work. A little.

This is what Aysia has to say...

2010-03-14T20:29:00.003-04:00

We had a photo shoot this morning... isn't this picture just adorable!?!?

The photographer I use comes to our house with all the lighting, backgrounds and props, and stays for as long as we want (he did pre-wedding pictures, maternity pictures, and now this). He takes tons of pictures, then just loads the jpegs onto my laptop. I want the images, not the prints, as I love to edit picture and make photo books and all kinds of things using Shutterfly. We even have a website there for all of her pictures. So I can't stand the photographers that won't give you the digital images, or that charge a fortune for them.

Here's another one I really like. I haven't edited it yet, but I'll likely crop the edges to come in a little closer, and maybe turn it to black and white...

First Day of Work.... Sighhhh

2010-03-08T15:21:00.003-05:00

Well, I'm here at work today.

Feels very strange, yet very familiar... One of the reasons it is strange is because we moved office buildings while I was out. Just around the corner from the old building, so still close to home and daycare, but much, much nicer than the old building. Feels almost like a "fresh start" - my working life as a mother, with none of the reminders of my infertility that I had in the old building (like being able to see the clinic outside of my office window...).

Truth be told, last week was my emotional week. I pretended I started work last week and had the grandmothers and the daycare "dry run". I setup a few appointments for myself (dentist, hair, waxing, etc.), but was around for most of the days just staying upstairs for the most part. Well, here's what happened:

Days Aysia was with my mom: My mom is so great with Aysia. She's really in tune with her signals, and is able to get her to take the bottle, go down for naps, and has a lot of fun playing with her. She talks and sings to her a lot, and it's just so great to see them together. I learn things from how my mom cares for her - Aysia will thrive with my mom. Plus, my mom is completely open to how I want to do things, and she asks me questions whenever she's not sure what I want, without being "needy" - she's able to make decisions and figure things out, but will check with me if she's not sure. She also offers advice, but in a very non-threatening way, and is completely fine if I decide otherwise (although mostly I've found it to be very, very helpful). Really the perfect caregiver relationship.

Days Aysia is in daycare: I brought her to daycare on Thursday and Friday. I woke up on Thursday at 5 to feed her, and could not stop crying until around noon. I was crying in the car, crying at daycare, and crying some more after that. After I dropped her off, I rushed home to watch her on the live-feed cameras (thank goodness for that!). I wasn't scared for her safety, or even her emotional well-being, I was just so sad to be dropping her off with strangers. They said a lot of new moms cry the first day. It was really emotional for me. But as I watched her online, I felt more and more comfortable. She seemed calm, and well cared for. They don't have a ton of time to spend with each child to cuddle and play, but they feed her, change her, put her down for naps, pay attention when she cries and helps her get comfortable. They use swings, bouncy seats, tummy time, boppys, and various toys, so she's not left in the crib when she's awake, and there are a variety of things she experiences each day. There are seat positioners and activity stations for when she is a little older, too. I feel she's safe, cared for, and will do fine in daycare. And when she can benefit from the interaction with other children, I think she will thrive there, too.

Day Aysia was with MIL. Nope. Not working. Not at all. First of all, she was crying and fussy for most of the day. And Aysia is not a cryer, not at all. Only if she needs something (food, diaper, gassy, etc.). So while I was upstairs, listening to her cry, my heart was breaking. I went downstairs a few times to help soothe her, but I tried to let MIL do this on her own as much as I could stand. Meanwhile, I was watching on the baby monitor, unknown to her.

Well, she did it again - she left Aysia on the changing table. Just for about 5 seconds while she got a toy off the shelf on the adjoining wall, but still. Anything can happen in 5 seconds. Then she put the toy back, while Aysia was still on the table!! At that point I went downstairs and took Aysia to nurse her. I couldn't stand it. And I told MIL that she can't leave her on there for even a second, that she has to put her in the bassinet part of the pack n play which is RIGHT NEXT to the changing table part. I continued to watch her on the monitor, and the next time she did it right, but my confidence was completely down at that point. I had told her the week before that she can't leave her alone up there. Why would she then leave her alone, even only for a second??? I think she just doesn't have the right instincts about what is safe and what isn't.

In the early afternoon, DH txted me that he was on his way home. Aysia was fussing, and then crying, but I stayed upstairs as I wanted him to see for himself. Sure enough, he walked into the house, Aysia was crying hard and MIL was not able to soothe her. After he saw that, then the next time she was crying, I just went down and took her back from MIL. I really think she means well, but she is just overwhelmed, or tired, or not interested in putting in the effort - I don't know what it is, but I was done.

I had a frank conversation with her and said I was very concerned that this was too much for her. I asked if she was tired, she said no. I asked if this was too much for her, she said no. I asked why she thinks Aysia was crying so much, she said she was fussy. I told her (and have told her many times in the past ) that Aysia is not fussy, especially in the morning, that she just needs to be walked and bounced and she falls asleep, and she said she really can't hold her for a long time (she is in her mid-60's, but obviously not nearly as fit/healthy as my mom who is 62). I said that concerns me, because then she doesn't calm down or sleep, and then that leads to more crankiness, etc. I asked why she would have sat on the couch last week and left Aysia on the table if she was not tired, she said it was a mistake and now she realizes she shouldn't have. (But I still just don't get it - safety issue aside - if you are here to watch a baby, that you love, and you are not tired, why would you be sitting 5 feet away and not interacting with her?? It just makes no sense. She also doesn't really talk, sing of play with her, just tries holding her while sitting down. Maybe she's just not good / comfortable with babies??). I told her that we could put Aysia in daycare, or ask my mom to come over and she said no, she'll be fine, I'm probably just nervous being a first time mom. Heck yeah, especially when my baby is crying all day and left on a changing table!!!!

So I told DH that I was not comfortable with having MIL watch her all day. He was supportive, but he also wanted the chance to spend the day with his mom to give her suggestions and try to help her be better. I said fine, as long as he was there all day. That was going to be today. Well, as it turned out, he had jury duty, so I had my mom come over for the day with MIL. I told DH that after this week, I wanted to put Aysia in daycare Mon, Thurs, Fri, and have my mom watch her Tue, Wed. And MIL was welcome to come over and watch her with my mom whenever she wanted (MIL and Mom get along well), and in fact, that would be nice for my mom to have a second person there, especially when she wanted to eat lunch, use the bathroom, etc.

Well, DH told MIL yesterday that Mom would be there today, but he didn't elaborate on how the conversation went. I'm guessing that she was hurt or insulted, or that DH didn't 100% agree with my solution, but I just let it go. Usually I want to talk everything out, but I really didn't want to get into it about this topic as I was not willing to compromise. My only concern is whether I'm going to feel that Aysia is safe and thriving. MIL seemed fine when I went home to nurse at lunch today, and Mom said she seemed fine in the morning, but MIL decided to leave around 12:30. She just said that she needed to go home. I didn't ask.

So, I've probably caused some hurt feelings and friction with the in-laws, and maybe even a little with DH, but I feel 100% better that the situation is solved and that I feel good about Aysia's care. And I really hope that MIL does decide to come over every week to help my mom with Aysia so she will have some time with her granddaughter. Otherwise, she is just missing out, I think...

Catching up

2010-02-26T13:12:00.002-05:00

I notice that it's getting harder and harder to find the time to write in this blog! My to do list is huge and it keeps getting bigger instead of smaller. But here's what's going on lately....

First and foremost, freaking out that I'm going back to work in ONE WEEK. Seriously, I've been crying a lot, feeling so sad that I won't be here with her during the day. Since the daycare is only 2 blocks from work, and my house is only 10 mins away, I'm hoping I'll be able to go and nurse her during lunch as much as possible, for the 2 days in daycare, and the 3 days with the grandmas. But I already have a trip to Detroit for the second week I'm back (luckily it will be in and out the same day), and then a trip to Vegas in May. The Vegas trip will be bittersweet, cause I love to gamble, but I will be really sad to leave her overnight for the first time.

I've been trying to pump a lot to build up a supply of milk, and doing OK, but boy is it a pain to pump in between nursing. It cuts down on "free" time, and then I stress that when she is ready to eat again, I won't have a lot of milk built up. But I'm really committed to try to provide as much breast milk as possible when I'm away from her. I even brought a second pump on ebay so i can keep one at work and one home and not have to carry back and forth.

I'm making some progress with being comfortable with my MIL watching her for one day a week, but with every step forward, there's 2 steps back. I'm finding that even though she says she wants to spend as much time as possible with Aysia, and complains about not getting enough time with her other granddaughter, she is not taking advantage of the time I'm offering her. She finds it hard to commit to being here, and has come late / left early for times she is scheduled. To be completely honest, I regret offering her Mondays when I go back to work, and would probably feel more comfortable with putting Aysia in daycare that day, but now I feel I need to give her a chance. My biggest fear is that she's older, not in good shape, and just doesn't have the energy. But she would never admit that or say to us that she can't handle it, even though we've told her again and again that she has to be up front with us. Just this week she was here and I let her do full care of Aysia while i did other things around the house. I came downstairs to find Aysia alone on the changing table and MIL sitting on the couch about 5 feet away. Aysia was having fun just looking around, swinging her legs and arms around. I had a heart attack. I told her she can't leave her alone on the table, she asked why. !?!?!? BECAUSE SHE CAN FALL OFF!!! I kept calm, and she went over to her right away, but jeez, common sense! I'm sure she was just tired and wanted to get off her feet, but you just can't do that! So now I'm terrified that she will leave her somewhere and she will fall. MIL is coming over on Monday and I will be very specific - not alone on the changing table, couch, bed, or anywhere that she is not strapped in. I've left 3 sheets of printed instructions for things, but I don't feel confident that she's read it or will refer to it (up on the fridge). It's definitely causing a bit of friction with me and DH, but he also sees my point. I will just need to watch her closely when she's here this Monday, and then make sure I come home for lunch and leave work at 5 on Mondays in general. Also, DH has off a lot of Mondays so she won't always be alone with Aysia. But if I see another scary thing I'll have to make some changes to the arrangement. Am I over-reacting??

Aysia had her vaccinations this week, and while it was hard to watch, it wasn't as bad as it could have been. he screamed (and I had to hold her arms), but then by the time I put her clothes back on, she was calm again. I had pictured her screaming for hours, but luckily not. No fever or any reactions afterwards, either. I asked the doc about giving Tylenol or Motrin and he told me something interesting. Apparently there is a recent study that shows that Tylenol or Motrin reduce the effectiveness of the vaccinations. He's no sure if he's in 100% agreement, but could see how that could be the case. So he said to give it only if she's running a fever, but not as a preventative measure. Luckily, she was fine.

I'm not getting much progress with nighttime sleep - seems we've taken a step back to only 3-4 hours. then a long awake period, then 2 hours. Doc said that when she wakes, to nurse her as little as possible to satisfy her, then put her back in the bassinet. That you might think the more milk you give her, the more soundly she'll sleep, but he said she will still wake up for the next feeding, and the objective is to have her eat less and less in the middle of the night until eventually she's eating nothing and doesn't need to wake up. Makes sense, I think. So that's my new game plan!

It's funny, though. As soon as you think you've gotten something figured out and under control, the little one shows you otherwise!!

Happy Valentine's Day!

2010-02-14T14:54:00.002-05:00

What a great day so far!

Me and Aysia had some great cuddling time this morning, then came downstairs to a fabulous brunch that DH made. Complete with champagne and chocolate strawberries. Now, usually I tell DH to get NO CANDY on VDday, but this year I told him to bring it on! I am craving sugar big time. He gave me a dozen roses (a beautiful yellow/orange color) and a chocolate filled heart. Yum! He also gave Aysia a dozen white roses, and a cute little teddy bear. So sweet of him!

But the best present of all -- DH told me that today, he will do each and every diaper and clothing change for Aysia. Nice! Being breast fed, she needs a diaper change every 1-2 hours, so this is huge. Normally, DH definitely does his share of diapers, at least 50/50, but getting a full day with no diaper duty is probably the most romantic gift ever!

We've had a lot of visits from friends and family lately, and even a trip to Barnes and Nobles and BRU. And Aysia was very, very fussy, to the point where I had to take her out of B&N before I got what I wanted. I get very uncomfortable when she's crying and I'm getting looks from others. I should be able to just ignore it, but it makes me want to just leave. I've gotten better at being able to breastfeed in public - I've ordered a nursing cover that will hopefully be better than a receiving blanket, and make me feel even more comfortable. Any suggestions from people about nursing in public aids?

I also have just come to LOVE baby wearing. It's the best. Calms her down, keeps her close and cuddly, and saves my arms and back! I have way too many of them, tho. Here are my reviews:

Bjorn (backpack) - The best. Definitely need the Active or Synergy model with the lumbar support. No strain on back or shoulder. Kind of hard to figure out at first, but then it gets really easy. Expensive (130+ for the active, more for synergy), but I've picked up a second from someone on craigslist for $45 so our parents can use one and keep it adjusted for their bodies.

Jeep (backpack) - I haven't used it, this is DH's. We keep it adjusted for him, he loves it. No lumbar support, but he's strong, so he feels no strain on the shoulders. Very rugged and outdoors looking so he likes it, and she seems comfy in it. Inexpensive (clearance BRU - around $20)

Wallaby (backpack) - eh. No lumbar support, gives me some strain in the shoulders, and it's a little harder to slip her into it, the way it's made. She seems to like it tho. Inexpensive (clearance BRU - $18). Good for keeping in the car in case I forget to bring the Bjorn on an outing.

Moby wrap - excellent, very snuggly, lots of holds, especially once she can hold her head up. But... takes a bit of time to wrap it. If I think if it, I wrap myself up while she's sleeping, and then it's ready to put her in. otherwise, if she's already fussing, I go right for the bjorn. ($40)

Hotsling - OK. very easy to put on, not sure she loves the position. Might be better as she gets older and can go in different holds. Small and foldable, so easy to take with you. (Some styles on clearance for $18 at BRU).

Infantino sling - Eh. simple to put on, she seems OK in it, but only has the cradle position. decent for nursing, but I haven't used it in public yet. (picked it up at Marshalls for $20)

So am I insane or what? Every time a box is delivered, DH sighs and asks if it's another backpack for her! But it really helps me out. After I feed her, the routine is a little playing (tummy time, activity gym, or just singing, 5 little piggies, rattles, toys, etc.), and then into the bjorn for some cuddling and a nap. And then I can do other things while she's sleeping. DH is also a personal trainer on the side, so he showed me some exercises I can do with her in the bjorn - squats, lunges, calf raises... very helpful to get in some exercising and she loves it. With a built in difficulty increase and she gains weight!

Oops, she's in the bjorn now, and I just heard a little explosion... DH, where are you, time for a diaper change!!! :)

7+ weeks

2010-02-11T23:27:00.003-05:00

Aysia is a little over 7 weeks old. I can't believe how quickly time has passed!

Update on the breastfeeding - basically, the issue is that she does not deplete the breast when she feeds. I can't pump each time, but I have gotten really good at early detection. As soon as I feel a clogged duct, I start massaging it, and now they go away before they become really painful. I've gotten 2-3 more since my last post, but it hasn't been as big of a deal. I guess it's something I'll just have to deal with.

Now I am trying to build up a supply of milk for when I return to work. I only have 4 more weeks at home. And the last week we are doing a dry run with the grandmas and daycare, where they come to watch her for the full days Mon-Wed and I bring her to daycare on Thurs and Fri. This will hopefully allow me to be comfortable with leaving her (especially with my MIL), but yet not be away for the full day. So ideally, I'll have my supply of frozen milk built up in 3 weeks. It's hard to pump a lot during the day, though. I really have to plan for it and be disciplined to do it. I should have been better these past two days - we've been snowbound and my DH has been home for the last 2 days. But I only pumped twice each day, and DH gives her a bottle of expressed milk each night, so that only nets one feeding per day. It's harder to pump when I'm alone because I have to wait for her to be asleep.

Aside from breastfeeding/pumping, it's been great to see her develop. She's starting to reach for things a little, and she can really follow you with her eyes. She's also making great progress in controlling her neck. It will be great once she has full control - many more things we can do with her then. Every time my mom comes over, she thinks Aysia has grown so much. I can't see it, since I see her every day, but I can definitely feel her getting heavier. I've ordered a scale so I can start weighing her! Seems silly, but a lot of the baby gear has various weight limits, and since I'm not going to the doctors every other day for weight checks anymore, I really don't know how much she weighs. I've done a rough estimation on our bathroom scale, but I want a more accurate weight!

As far as sleeping, we still don't get any more than 3-4 hours from her at night, and lately, it seems it's been less. 2-3 hour stretches throughout the night. I'm not happy with that, seeing as work is coming soon... Although, even with the little sleep I've been getting since she's been born, I don't feel an overwhelming sense of tired. I get tired by the evening, but I feel very sharp during the day.

I had my 6-week checkup last week and the doctor said everything looked good. I have the OK to exercise again, but I've only done it once in the past week. Not very good at all. The problem is that we moved the gym down to the basement, and it's too cold down there to bring her with me. It's a great temp for working out, but I'm afraid she would be too cold just sitting in a swing or bouncy seat. But I really need to get back into the habit so I can get myself back in good shape. I've lost the pregnancy weight, plus 5 of the IVF pounds, and I have 13 more pounds to go to be at my pre-IVF weight. But I've also lost most of my muscle tone, so I need to add muscle plus lose weight. I seem to have plateaued at my current weight. I've also started eating a lot of candy and sweets. Poor eating plus no exercise, definitely not a good combo...

In 2 weeks, Aysia has her 2-month doctor visit where they give the vaccinations. I'm not looking forward to that - I know how hard it was for me when they had to draw blood to check her jaundice, and she was screaming the whole time. This will be bad, too. But I did read that the study that originally linked autism to vaccinations has recently been completely rescinded - all the doctors involved in the original study have retracted their position and they find no link. I was planning on doing all the vaccinations anyway, but it's good to know this.

Breastfeeding blues

2010-01-31T22:02:00.002-05:00

Man, this is harder than I thought! I've now had mastitis plus 5 blocked ducts. I'm getting them constantly and they are so painful - sometimes keeping me awake at night. The lactation consultant couldn't offer any good advice on how to avoid them, and I've gotten pretty good at massaging to get rid of them in about 1 day. But it's so depressing when I feel that certain pain, check, and sure enough, another blocked duct the size of an egg.

And she also feeds at least every 2 hours. I'm starting to feel very tied down, even though I take her out a lot, I always have to plan ahead to have a place to nurse discreetly. I'm still not very comfortable nursing in public, although I've done it... So excursions to stores or to run errands are always a little stressful because of the nursing situation.

And a fairly new thing... she's getting very fussy at the breast. Latch, pull away, on, off, lots of noises, kind of playing. It could be many things - a growth spurt and she wants more milk, so she's trying to stimulate another letdown, could be the milk comes out too slow and she's getting impatient, or maybe she's gassy or uncomfortable. It's frustrating not to know what the problem is. I've also noticed that she's getting more fussy in general at night in general. I like the mornings!

I'm coming up on 6 weeks, and I have another 5 weeks before I return to work. However, I'm starting my childcare plan the week before - 1 day MIL, 2 days mom, 2 days daycare (including Friday when I know I'll be able to leave work no later than 5pm). So I have 4 more weeks to build up a milk supply. Sadly, though, when I pump, I'm only getting about 1.5 oz total. And she usually eats more than that each feeding (I'm guessing, based on the one expressed milk bottle feeding DH does at night). So I'm not having an easy time building up any supply. Especially since she feeds so much as it is. Adding in the time to pump is hard.

I'm very committed to breastfeeding, but I'm nervous that I won't be able to build up and maintain enough of a supply to keep formula out of the picture.

On another topic, DH got very sick last week. He had to go on antibiotics. His doc said he needed to stay away from Aysia at all costs - that if she got sick, it would almost definitely mean a trip to the ER, and if she got a fever, they would need to do a spinal tap! Yikes! He said to stay away for a week - no holding her, sleep in guest room, etc. So I was 100% on the hook. He usually takes her from about 8-midnight, giving me so down time, and a head start on sleep. I was so upset that I couldn't have that time anymore. The ped was a little less conservative and said that once his symptoms stopped, he could hold her again. So it only turned out being 4 days of all me. But it was hard - I can't imagine how single parents do it. Much respect! And DH was devastated that he had to keep his distance, he really loves his daddy/daughter time. He made up for it by waiting on my hand and foot and doing all the household stuff (laundry, dishes, cooking, etc.), which was very helpful!!

On a good note, we went out and bought a new bed today! The bed we have is old, not good quality, and kind of sagging in the middle. So we splurged and got a real nice, good quality bed, which is being delivered tomorrow. I can't wait! Now I need to find nice new bedding to complete the look...

Time flies!

2010-01-26T11:44:00.002-05:00

Wow, it's been almost 2 weeks since my last post, where has the time gone? I'll tell you where it's gone... breastfeeding, burping, diaper changing, laundry, repeat. Seriously, taking care of little Aysia can get very repetitive unless I plan some diversions!!

First, on the breastfeeding... much harder than I thought. I had mastitis on one breast, which was very painful and needed a doc appt and antibiotics to clear up. Then I promptly got a blocked duct on the other breast, even more painful - you need to massage it and continue breastfeeding for it to go away, when even a light touch hurts. Then 2 days later, another blocked duct. I think the problem is that my little girl is a lazy eater. She sits on my breasts for at least an hour for each feeding. She sucks, sleeps, sucks, sleeps... I continually try to arouse her, burp her, whatever I can do to keep her focused on the task at hand, but she likes to take her time. And sometimes, it doesn't feel like she's fully depleted the milk, and that can lead to infection and blocked ducts. So what I should be doing is pumping the remainder out after each feeding, but here's the problem - she feeds every 2 hours max during the day (every 3-4 at night, thankfully!). During that 2 hours, I first change her diaper (5-10 mins, depending if the clothes need to be changed, too), feed her (60 mins average), and burp her twice (5 mins). That leaves me about 45 minutes between each feeding. I like to try to give her some tummy time for playing, or sing or read to her. I also may have to pee, or shower, or grab a bite to eat, never mind do the laundry, get thank you notes done, check emails, return calls, and a whole list of other things that need tending to. And that's if Aysia naps, which isn't always the case between each feeding. So if I pumped, that would take about 20 mins form start to finish, leaving me almost no time for Aysia or for anything else. I'm lucky if I get to pump once or twice a day!

I think the lack of time has been the hardest thing so far. It's difficult when people come to visit, and I can hardly focus on them (I'm reminded of a scene from a SATC episode where Miranda is breastfeeding her son while Carrie is over, and she can't pay attention to the conversation because she's trying to get Brady to latch). It's difficult when I go out to do errands, as most places to not have a good spot to breastfeed (thank goodness for BRU and their mother's room). And it's difficult when I have so many things to do around the house, but can never get to them.

Thankfully, my mom has been coming over 2-3 times per week, and that really helps me out. She is so good with Aysia - she talks to her, reads and sings to her, plays with her... it's really great to see. I feel completely comfortable with her watching her 2 days a week when I return to work. My MIL, I'm not as comfortable with. She's a little older than my mom, and has much less energy and agility. Plus, it's been so long since she's cared for an infant, I think she just doesn't know what to do. She's been over a few times when DH was off of work, and he showed her a lot of things, but I need to have her over on a regular basis when it's just me, so I can coach her and teach her what to do, and get more comfortable with her caring for Aysia. She is supposed to watch her one day a week, so I need to do everything I can to get her up to speed. She's coming over on Thursday, and I think I'm going to have her come over one day a week ongoing. And maybe even when my mom is here, too, as they get along well, and maybe my mom can help her out, too.

The most frustrating thing has been the endless paperwork and fighting about my disability pay, benefit elections, etc. Turns out my disability plan only allows 6 weeks for a c-section as a standard practice. What???? One of the main reasons I had them cut me up was to get the extra two weeks of disability!! I had the doc fax over a form for the extra 2 weeks - denied. They wanted medical records. Doc visit notes, etc. So I had to get them to fax that over, and after several calls, the 8 weeks was approved. Then, since I live in NJ, I have to fill out all kinds of paperwork and have my doc fill out more paperwork to get the NJ disability payments (which is offset from my company disability). And then, since Aysia was born so close to the end of the year, the ability to make changes to my benefits was not working properly, and I couldn't get my new health and dependant care FSA elections input into the system properly. I've been on the phone several times about this one, and it's still not resolved. I hate that these things are taking up my very limited time!

So those are my complaints! On the positive side, I love the time spent with Aysia... she's developing a personality and it's so fun to watch. I've learned all kinds of little tricks and tips for caring for her, and it's fun to learn new things and become more competent and confident. We've also had a bunch more playdates with other friends with babies, joined some parent / children groups, and taken her out to a restaurant and even a few family and friend parties. I enjoy taking her out, as long as I can figure out the logistics of feeding and changing her at the right times! And so many friends and family members have come over to visit - that's a lot of fun and a lot easier logistically, too.

And here's a tip for anyone buying clothes for a new baby... buy 3-6 or 6-9 month sizes (season appropriate). New moms have soooooo much newborn and 0-3 month clothes from the shower that the baby will never get to wear it all. Not to mention they grow out of it so quickly. So larger sizes really come in handy!

And a tip for new moms - read Dr Karp's Happiest Baby on the Block. The 5 S's really do work, especially swaddling, swinging and shushing. A real lifesaver for me!

Fun with Aysia

2010-01-15T09:10:00.004-05:00

The past week has been quite eventful, as I've decided that I'm not staying in the house all day anymore! Although I am definitely self-conscious about bringing her out if she cries and fusses and annoys other people, but I've decided I'm not going to let that stop me. And I think when I feel more confident, and less worried, she actually behaves better, too.

So what have we done together this past week....

Shopping trip to BRU to get more "necessities"
Quick errands at various stores
"Play date" over at my friend's house who has a baby girl 5 days older than Aysia
Mommy and baby support group at the hospital
More doctor's appts (Aysia has gained weight again, and is up to 8.3 now. Doc is no longer concerned, no more weight checks, yay!)
Waxing and pedicure. For me, not Aysia! :)
Blood test at Labcorp. For Aysia, not me!! :( This was horrible. They had to try both arms before they could get a vein. But the doc needed to check on her jaundice which was still higher than he wanted. It was "breastmilk" jaundice, the good kind, no worries
Doc appt for me - I now have mastitis - a breast infection. Very painful, and you have to keep nursing through it. Yikes! On a course of antibiotics that will hopefully help.
Many visitors to the house to meet my little girl

She was very good through all this activity. Only fussed a lot at the mommy baby group, and I was able to calm her down by swaddling her (love the swaddle!!). Today it's supposed to be in the high 40's, so I think we're just going to hang at home today and take a walk! I'm hoping to get the time to finally send the birth announcements out.

Meanwhile... here's a picture of our beautiful little girl. This is the day we took her home from the hospital (Christmas day):

All about Mommy

2010-01-07T09:05:00.002-05:00

In addition to all the amazing things I've discovered about Aysia in these past two weeks, I have also experienced some interesting things about myself - physically and emotionally....

The c-section was much easier than I thought, and my recovery has been great. In the hospital, I got up and walked around the maternity ward at least 2-3 times a day, and when I got home after 3 days, I could easily walk around, including the stairs. After one week, it was as if I didn't have surgery (almost!).
The doc says I can't exercise until my week 6 appointment, and it's killing me as I feel great. But I am listening, as I don't want to do any damage...
The scar is real low and looks like it will heal well. I opted for sutures, not staples, as I read they heal better.
I never had the dark line coming from my belly button as many pregnancy women get, but after the C, I had a dark line from my belly button almost up to between my breasts. Strange! And my belly button was partly black. Not as noticeable now that it's retreating back in, but still darker than before.
After one week, my stomach was almost flat, and after 2 weeks, I have lost all of my pregnancy weight and even a pound or two of the IVF weight!! Wow, that was incredibly easy! I will need to be careful when I stop breastfeeding, though, as I'm sure that's why the pounds are coming off, despite eating 3 full, home-cooked meals a day (thanks DH and mom!)
Breastfeeding - easier and more difficult than I thought. Latching - piece of cake. Milk production, not so much. I was a barely B before the pregnancy, and now, although I've bought C-cup bras, I'm really just a B plus. I was really hoping for some big boobies during the breastfeeding stage, but I guess not. :( Not to mention, I'm sure the size has something to do with the not-so-stellar milk production.
My nipples are soooooo sore!! Ouch! When she latches on, it's the worst pain ever. Then the sucking is not so bad. Usually when she's done, she lets the nipple go gently, but sometimes she maintains the suction and rips her head away. Ouch, ouch, ouch!!!! I put lanolin on constantly, and so far no infection or cracking, but by the end of each day, I'm ready to give it up! Except I like the closeness/bonding, convenience, and the great health benefits for Aysia. I'm hanging onto the hope that it will get better!
I found myself weepy the first few nights. Mostly about Aysia's weight loss and my lack of milk production, but I also think it was a touch of the baby blues. Luckily I could recognize it and talk to DH about it, so neither of us were freaked out or worried about post-partum depression.
Holding and caring for Aysia - really came so very naturally. I was worried that I'd be awkward, or not good at it, but I was pleasantly surprised to see how easily I figured it out. And honestly, I don't mind the diapers, even the big poo's, at all!
DH and I have gotten into a good groove - no fighting about who's turn it is, and we are both a little in awe of how good the other one is with her. He naturally takes the late night diaper changes and formula supplements, so I can sleep earlier, and I get up with her in the early morning, as I'm more naturally a morning person. An we each probably get 4-5 hours of sleep a night, with one 3-hour stretch. It's actually manageable. While I'm not working. Hopefully we'll get more sleep when I'm back at work!
I'm definite stir crazy. I think having a winter baby is really tough. With this weather, I can't take her out for a walk (low 30's and windy), and the doc advises against malls or stores until 8 weeks. I have a bunch of friend/relative visits setup for next week when DH goes back to work, but I'm also going to take her out to stores (in moderation). I've read other mothers talk about taking their babies out to stores right away, and just being very careful about keeping strangers away and not letting anyone breath on or touch them. I just need to get out with her, I can't stand staying inside all day!
Things stay on my to-do list way too long now! I can't plan on getting things done the way I used to. I'm just getting a website setup to show her pics, haven't done my thank you notes yet, and the list goes on and on. Between constant nursing and being tired, I have to accept not being nearly as efficient. But I am good at multi-tasking while I'm nursing - e.g. using the laptop while she's sucking away!

That's about it for now... it's really a great learning experience!!

All about Aysia

2010-01-03T12:40:00.002-05:00

Where to begin?!?!

Aysia turns 2 weeks today, and it's been amazing so far! I've been meaning to write, but my days seem to disappear in a cycle of diapers, feeding, sleeping, laundry... But I love every minute of it! Some things about Aysia....

She was born with a full head of black, silky hair. So beautiful. I have dark curly hair, but I think this is a trait from DH. His hair (before he started shaving bald) is jet black, and I think the straightness comes from his part-Asian background.
She took to breastfeeding right away - no problem with latching on. How cool!
She's a "rester" - she falls asleep while feeding and constantly has to be woken up and prodded to keep going.
She lost a lot of weight the first day - over 10% (14 oz). This was pretty scary, and also a little emotional for me. I want to breastfeed exclusively, but she wasn't getting enough. I couldn't help feeling inadequate and disappointed that the doc wanted me to start supplementing formula with each feeding. I didn't want to on the one hand (less milk production, risk of nipple confusion), but on the other, I didn't want her to keep losing weight. So we started supplementing 0.5 oz of formula with each feeding, giving DH a chance to get involved in the feedings. It was emotional for me. After a week and a half, she had only gained one oz back. But at least she was gaining. We've had to go to the doc 4 times since leaving the hospital to weigh her, and yesterday she finally had significant gain - 5.5 oz in 5 days. Yay! So now we are only supplementing at night. The doc said I just might not make enough milk, some women don't. I've tried pumping after each feeding to fully drain each breast, but it doesn't seem to make a difference. I have milk, but I guess not enough for what she needs. I'm getting to be OK with this - it is what it is, plus the formula helps her to sleep a little more at night!
She smiles in her sleep - so cute! It's like little laughs, and when we giggle in response, she smiles even more
She picks up her head when having "tummy time", and she likes to interact with us
She likes to hear me sing (love that she has no idea what a bad singer I am!!)
She loves to be swaddled, and "shushed" (Dr. Karp's Happiest Baby on the Block techniques work like a charm for her)
She's a great sleeper - we usually get two sets of 3-4 hours of sleep at night, and then 1-2 hour naps many times during the day. Very reasonable and easy on her parents!!!
She loves her hair and jawline stroked by mommy, and her fingers munched by daddy
She doesn't mind diaper changes or clothing changes - very mild mannered
She has beautiful, smooth, soft skin. Hasn't been affected by baby acne yet
She likes to be rocked. Thankfully we bought 2 gliders, one for each floor. And DH thought that would be a waste - silly man!!
She has way too many clothes - typical girl!! But I'm glad we didn't find out her gender until she was born, so it's not all a "pink explosion". She has a good variety of colors.
She sleeps in the car seat and stroller (the one time the weather was above 40 degrees and not terribly windy so we could take her for a walk! Please, weather, cooperate with me - I want to do many more walks!!)

All in all, this has been a wonderful experience so far. Much better than I imagined, because I am lucky enough to have a very good baby. The sleeping time and minimal crying has made it easier for me to recover and in turn, appreciate her more.

Next, I'll post more about some of the things I've been going through physically and emotionally...

It's a Girl!

2009-12-24T06:23:00.002-05:00

We have a little baby girl!!!!

Aysia Jordana
(pronounced like Asia, the continent)

She is so precious and so cute. We are in such awe. She has a FULL head of hair, about 1.5 inches of black hair on her entire head (no wonder my indigestion was terrible!), slate blue eyes and perfect skin. She weighed 7lb 15 oz and measures 20.5. So amazing.

The C-section was a little scary at first - getting wheeled in and then having the spinal block done, with all of these people surrounding me, attaching things, prodding, etc. But then DH came in, and I started to feel numb, and I relaxed a bit. Couldn't feel a thing except a little tugging, and couldn't see anything as we were behind a curtain. But I'll never forget when Aysia let out her first little cry then stopped. DH and I were holding our breath.... then she let loose! What a great sound!

They quickly checked her out (9 out of 9 apgar, my little over-acheiver!) and then DH got to hold her her right next to me while they started sewing me up. She was still covered with all the white stuff (vernix?). He went with her to the nursery to get warmed up, bathed, etc. While they brought me to recovery to warm me off and be sure the block wore off.

Less than 2 hours later, the 3 of us were back together in the postpartum room and the 6 grandparents, who had only gotten to see her through the nursery wondow, piled in and got to meet their granddaughter. I felt so bad for my mom - she got a cold from my nephew earlier this week, so she had to keep her distance and wear a mask. Now she has pink eye, so she hasn't been able to come visit us here.

I was able to start nursing right away, and she took to it really well. Even the lactation consultant said she was latching on perfectly. I'm so glad that's working out. I really like being able to breastfeed.

Oh, and shortly after the surgery, the doctor told me that he took a look at the fibroid, and that it's really big and protruding into my uterus. He thinks it's very likely it would have caused a problem during labor resulting in a c-section anyway. So now I'm extra glad I went this route. Sadly, though, he thinks it may need to be removed if I want to get pregnant again. We'll have to see if it shrinks back down to the smaller size it was before.

So anyway, I'm feeling great, Aysia's doing really well, and DH is making an incredible dad, already changing diapers, burping her, singing to her. It's so endearing...

More to post later, going to sleep now!!

It's official!

2009-12-19T10:35:00.003-05:00

We are having our baby on Tuesday!

It's scheduled for 8am, which means we have to be at the hospital at 6am. Leave the house at 5:30. Wake up at 4:30. That's early! But I'm glad... we're probably the first, or one of the first procedures that doc will perform that day, and I know I always do my best work in the morning. Hopefully he does, too! The nurse also said this timing is good, she said we'll be in and out, no delays are likely, and we'll be able to order a nice breakfast. Sounds good to me. Although I'm sure I won't be thinking about food when I've just met my little one! But I do like the idea of having as much time in the hospital as possible, with the support of the nurses and lactation consultants as we figure everything out.

I go in on Monday morning to get pre-admin bloodwork / testing done, and they'll have all my instructions. I also happened to have an OB appointment scheduled with my regular doctor, and the time fits in well, so I'm going to see her, too (even though it's not necessary). I hope she's not offended that I'm having the other doc do the procedure! I don't think she will be. But it will give me a chance to ask a bunch of final questions I have.

My head is spinning now with the idea that we're having our baby in a few days! Of course, I'm running around organizing and cleaning everything, and feeling good about what I'm getting done. (And yes, the playroom was finished last night, so DH and I will be re-decorating it this afternoon!). I do kind of regret that we'll be missing that "oh my gosh - it's time!" moment when my water breaks or I go into labor, but DH and I discussed that, and first and foremost we want as smooth a delivery as possible without ending up with an emergency C. I'm definitely second-guessing myself with this decision, but I feel in my gut that I'm doing the right thing.

We're only telling our parents and siblings about this - everyone else we will call / txt / email as planned after the birth

I also love the idea of bringing baby home on xmas day! I went to BRU yesterday and bought an adorable santa outfit for the baby. So much for my other cute bring-home-baby outfits! But I can't ignore that it's xmas, right??? I can use the other outfit (the gender appropriate one!) after xmas.

Meanwhile, my good friend just had her baby on Thursday. She had a baby girl, and everything is going well. My other good friend had a boy at the beginning of Dec. So whatever our baby is, s/he will have playmates of both sexes from two of my good friends. Very cool.

I can't believe we're where we are right now. Quite amazing.

Craziness!

2009-12-18T09:46:00.003-05:00

Well, I lot has happened since my last day of work, let's see....

My DH's bday was last Thursday, and I was making a nice dinner for him. Get a phone call - he was in a car accident! Luckily, just a minor fender-bender he was absolutely FINE, and also lucky he was still in his work van, not our car. Turned out a permit driver didn't stop at a stop sign. Quite a lousy bday for him, though, as it took about 2 hours for the cops, reports, etc., and we ended up eating reheated dinner at 10pm. He did love what I made, though! (just a simple meatloaf and potatoes, but I don't cook, so this was a big deal for me).

Well, the next day, he had to pull out the bumper of the van a little so he could drive it without rubbing against the tires, and he threw his back out! Now, I really am a wife with a lot of sympathy. Usually. But all I could think of is - BUT THE PLAYROOM ISN'T DONE AND BABY IS 2 WEEKS AWAY! I am neurotic about getting everything done in time, and at this point, the electric still needed to be finished, walls patched, carpets cleaned, and everything moved back in and re-decorated. It was supposed to get done last weekend, but of course now that wouldn't happen. Luckily for him (and my sanity), with a few days of rest and heating pads, he was back to normal. I should have my playroom back by tomorrow and then I'll be able to unpack all the other purchases I've made and move them in. (And I did remember to pamper him occasionally during his recovery, rather than moaning about how my honey-do list wasn't getting done!!)

My first week off I have been running around like crazy. I thought I would be the lady of leisure, but not a chance. My to-do list is a mile long, and it feels great to have the time to do it. (I'm still on the blackberry a lot, but it's not the same as being in the office.) Luckily I'm still feeling great, and I have a lot of energy most days so I'm knocking a lot off the list.

I'm also cooking dinner every night! Again - a big deal for me. It's been fun! I think the nesting has kicked in big time. A huge help, though, is finding these recipes where they give you one shopping list for 5 days of meals. You can check off what you already have in the house, then buy the rest (and I order my groceries online for delivery, so that's a piece of cake). Then each night you cook the meal, and sometimes they have you cook extra of certain parts that you then save for the next meal as one of the ingredients. Very efficient and convenient, and EASY. Day 3 into the 5-day plan and we've liked the meals a lot. I have about 12 of these 5-day plans, and look forward to trying them out during maternity leave.

But now the BIG news!! I'm 90% sure I'm having our baby on Dec 22! This TUESDAY!

At my last OB appt on Wed, I met a new doc in the practice, who I liked a lot. He had a wry sense of humor and I appreciated it. So rather than wait to talk to my main doc on Monday, I brought up the idea of elective C-section with him. He wanted to know why I wanted it. Basically, I don't REALLY want a C, but I want the following:

A 2009 baby (several financial reasons - tax deduction, medical deductible, FSA - likely several thousands in total)
The baby to not be too big (he said s/he was likely in the high 7 lb range, and I had 2 weeks to go
Me not to be too big (I was up 3 lbs at that visit, now 23 lbs in total, and the goal is 15-25 lbs)
Not having labor and THEN an emergency C. That is my worst nightmare. And 1 out of 3 women end up with a C. Not great odds.
Extra maternity time. Two extra weeks of disability, and 2-3 extra days in the hospital (my hospital is pretty cushy with private rooms/bathrooms, TV/DVD players, a nice menu you can order from any time, lactation consultants, etc.)
The easiest delivery for my baby. I think the maternal instinct is kicking in here. I'm willing to have the extra pain and recovery in order to give my baby less stress in delivery.

I think I'm paranoid - we were so lucky to get pg naturally and have a wonderful pg... I'm so scared that something will go wrong during labor. Some freak accident, or extra stress on the baby. Or that all of a sudden, the baby will stop moving inside of me. I feel like, hey - everything is good now, the baby is moving, the baby is full term and big enough, I'm feeling good, let's not give anything a chance to go wrong. Control-freak much?

So, anyway, the doc said he'd be fine with a scheduled C, go ahead and call the nurse to set it up. So I was thinking maybe the week after xmas, but the nurse said that the doc was scheduled in the hospital on Dec 22nd. Wow! That's less than a week away! I wanted to talk it over with DH, so we did and said - heck yeah, let's do it! We have nothing planned this weekend except getting things ready, and he knows I'll be a crazy lunatic about it, but he can deal. The extra nice thing is that means we'll be bringing home baby on xmas day. What could be a better gift than that????

So I'm just waiting for the nurse to call back and confirm the time and details, and then it will be official. Wow!

Last Day of Work

2009-12-11T11:15:00.003-05:00

Today is my last day of work!! I'm excited!

I decided to take 2.5 weeks off before my due date to relax, finalize everything, and try to de-stress from my stressful job. I'm so glad I'm doing this, I have a lot of around the house things planned, including lots of working out and spicy food to hopefully bring on labor! Any other tricks to share on how to get things moving???

Meanwhile, my whole team decided to come to my office today to send me off (I run a team spread across the northeast region, so only a few of them are in my actual office). And even though there was a shower thrown and gifts given already, a few of my senior folks gave me even more baby gifts. So sweet of them. I'm really lucky to have such a good team, and it makes me confident that things will run well while I'm gone. I put a lot of thought and planning on how to structure the team and workflow in my absence and I'm hoping it all goes smoothly. Of course, I'll probably be one of those nuts be on the blackberry while in labor and delivery!!

It's funny - on the one hand, I can't wait to finally meet our little one. But on the other, I'm really looking forward to the next few weeks (or days?) before I go into labor. I think it will be one of the most peaceful times I'll have for the next 18 years!

Full Term!

2009-12-09T11:47:00.003-05:00

Big milestone today - 37 weeks... full term. This means they are fine if I give birth at any time!

I also happened to have an OB appointment today. Met a new doc in the practice who was OK, but I didn't like him as much as the others I've met. He did give me clearance to get back on the treadmill and start exercising again, so I'm excited about that. I've missed it! So I will start tomorrow.

But while I'd love to give birth a little early, I am not quite ready yet! The playroom, which will also double as the downstairs nursery, is completely torn apart. It looks unrecognizable compared to the pictures I posted a while back. Why? Well, DH is putting up the track lighting and, um, well, that should have been done before painting the walls, furnishing and decorating the room! He has to cut throught the sheetrock to run the electric, move the furniture out of the way to make room for the ladders, and pull out all the decorations so they don't get dusty and stepped on.

Maybe my impatience to decorate and attend to all the details was just a little premature!

Anyway, I'm hoping all gets done this weekend and I can re-decorate and get everything back in its place before our little one arrives. Are you laughing at me yet? For two reasons - first, do I think everything will continue to be "in its place" when we have a real live baby/toddler/child in the house?? And second, am I delusional thinking I have any control whatsoever about when our little one decides to arrive, and how will I handle the complete lack of control about to take over my life???

I see the complete absurdity of my thinking, but hey, that's me! I will have a lot of adjusting to do, I'm sure. It should be interesting!

Speaking of interesting... I actually lost a half a pound this week. The doc says it's normal to lose a few pounds in the last month. I like the sound of that, since the pounds have seemed to pile on over the last few weeks or so. I also expeced him to check for effacement and dilation, but he said they don't do that, unless there's a specific reason. He said that it really doesn't give you any indication of how soon you will go into labor, it's just something women like to talk about. Well, yeah!!! My girlfriend who's 1.5 weeks ahead of me was 100% effaced and 2cm dilated on Monday. I wanted to see where I was, compare notes, speculate about who will go first!! Oh well, I guess I'll stay in the dark. Grudgingly. He's no fun.

On the bright side, blood pressure is good, Strep B culture was negative, last TSH was good, uterus measurements were good, and even the heartbeat, at 135, which I thought was low - he said was good. He said the heartbeat starts to decline towards the end, and continues to decline once the baby is born.

So he sent me off with instructions to call if:

Water breaks
Baby stops moving
Contractions are 5 mins apart and painful
Bleeding (more than just the mucus plus or light spotting)

And continue to come in every week for the regular appointment.

Let the waiting begin!

Thanksgiving, baby care class and OB appt.

2009-11-30T14:15:00.004-05:00

Hope everyone had a great holiday!

Ours was nice, but a little bittersweet. My younger brother's wife passed away in March of this year during a routine hospital procedure, leaving my 30 year old brother and their 4 year old son. Her birthday was this past Saturday, so my brother planted a tree in the local park with a bench and a lovely plaque, right by the river, and held a dedication ceremony with close friends and family. He also had worked with her mom and other close friends to publish a beautiful memorial book with pictures of her throughout her life and letters, stories and memories contributed by friends and family. Including some incredibly heartbreaking and touching journal entries by their son. It was all very lovely, but incredibly sad. Made me and DH very thankful for what we have.

Afterwards, a bunch of their friends came over to my mom's and I think I met my match! This woman has a 16-month son, and she said she had all kinds of excel spreadsheets to help her prepare (um, not that there's any way they compare to mine, but still... :)), she had done a lot of research on c-sections and decided on an elective-c, and she continues to research, research, research. My mom listened to us talk back and forth in amazement - she thought I was the only one so neurotic!

Sunday was our caring for baby class, including a lot of safety information, which was great. The most surprising (depressing) tidbit I learned -- they do NOT recommend you put the "tot-finder" sticker from the fire department on the window of your child. Why? Because then pedophiles know which windows to break into. How horrible is that???? One of the expectant fathers in the class was a firefighter, and he said they now have stickers you can put on the inside hallway door to your child's room so that the firefighters know where to go once they are in the house.

The best part about the class is that my mom and MIL came, too! Since they will by watching our little one for 3 days a week between the two of them, they wanted a "refresher". I thought that was great that they wanted to spend the day learning the new techniques and were not at all stuck on how it was when they were moms.

And even though I had to pay to get them registered, it was money well spent as it got me completely out of a sticky situation. I love the in-laws, the whole family is great, but the one thing I can't stand is that they all smoke (except BIL and his wife). A lot. In their house, too. They completely respect not smoking in our house, but they frequently go outside for a smoke, and then come in reeking of it on their clothes. They also smoke in their cars, and sometimes when they enter our house for the first time, the smell almost knocks me out. I've read about studies about this "third-hand smoke" - smoke residue that is left on hair, skin, clothes, furniture, carpets, etc., and how bad it is for little babies, as their lungs are so much smaller than ours. The percentage of dangerous chemicals they will inhale when being held close by someone wearing a smoke filled shirt is very large compared to how it affects adults.

So, I've been concerned about this and have talked to DH about how to handle it. He agrees that we won't be going to their house to visit until the baby is much older, but he was not in agreement that they needed to change their shirts whenever they came to our house and whenever they went outside for a smoke. I think he might have understood in theory, but did not feel comfortable telling them this. I told him I would blame it on the pediatrician's instructions, but he was still not comfortable. I was letting it ride for a while, but getting to the point where I was going to talk to them myself and deal with any fallout from DH later.

Well, the instructor of the class addressed this directly and had the exact same advice - need to change your shirt after smoking (in addition to washing your hands, which everyone should be doing). MIL didn't know this and was glad to be told, even made the comment that she will need to bring a supply of shirts to our house. I said yeah - and FIL/SIL, too, and she absolutely agreed. Whew - sticky situation averted!

And that brings me to this morning's OB appointment. All continues to be good - measurements are right on track, and she even did a real quickie u/s and found that the baby's head is back down again. I think the baby is really flipping around a lot, because I am feeling the craziest movements. Last night, the head was definitely sticking out of the side - the bulge was crazy, my stomach was so lopsided it was bizarre. I think we will have an active baby! I still haven't decided on a c-section or regular birth, but I have to say I am leaning towards a C. I know it sounds crazy, but it's where I'm leaning now. I might end up scheduling a C at 39w, which would be Dec 23rd, but then if I go into labor before, trying for a regular birth. I have more research to do...

I have also been cleared, once I hit 37w (9 more days to go) to get back onto the treadmill! Yay! They had me stop since I'm having so many contractions, but I hate not exercising. And since I will stop working right around then, it will be good to get this back in my schedule.

All in all, things are going great. Still no swelling, wedding rings fit, still wearing heels to work, still able to put my shoes on, still wearing the same maternity clothes (mostly), still have a flat belly button, up 20 pounds even with Thanksgiving eating, and just feeling real good in general. On the down side, it is difficult to get comfy while sleeping, I pee all the time, and the heartburn is bad, even with the Zantac. Oh yeah, and the constipation... But these are all minor in comparison.

And it was really cool to login today and find that I am on the last month of my ticker. That made me smile!

Birthing class and other weekend fun

2009-11-23T21:44:00.004-05:00

We had our birthing class this weekend, and we both really enjoyed it. It was a combo - what to expect during the birth process, what could go wrong, Lamaze, hospital info, hospital tour, birthing video class. Really a catch-all of valuable information. Most of which I had read about, but it was good to hear about this hospital's policies.

I was really impressed with the labor and deliver rooms and the recovery rooms. Both are private, with your own bathrooms, and very nicely decorated to look as little like a hospital room as possible (but with all the potential emergency equipment hidden behind doors and integrated in the design). Very well done.

The other thing that surprised me was the birthing video. I've heard that watching the birth video at these classes can be a little scary, but I have to say - it didn't freak me out at all. Sure, that's a big head coming out of a small hole, but I don't know... it really didn't seem too bad. Maybe that's because I know I'll be getting the epidural as the first order of business after checking in! Or maybe because of all that we've been through with procedures, wands, tests, etc., so "that area" has been exposed to a lot of "stuff" already. But it wasn't difficult to watch at all, in fact, I felt a tear coming to my eye just thinking about our little one being born.

We still don't know if the fibroid or the breech position of the baby will make a c-section necessary. I guess we'll find out at our next appointment. Maybe. I'm trying not to worry about it too much. After seeing the recovery rooms (and the menu we order our meals from - nicer than a lot of hotel room service!), I'm fine with being in the hospital for a few days longer!

After the class, we decided to go to Best Buy and splurge on electronics as early xmas gifts for each other. Last year we hooked up the family room with all the latest video and sound equipment, so this year we upgraded the bedroom. Plasma, HD Tivo, Blu Ray... and then, of course, I was way too impatient when we got home and convinced DH to mount the TV on the wall, while I did all the electronic hookups. We were done in 3 hours, not bad for a couple of amateurs! I justify this by saying that if I end up with a C, I might want to stay upstairs in bed as I recover, so I "need" this stuff, right? :)

We also got the SLR camera and the camcorder - kind of a staple for the first time parents, right? Now we just need to learn how the heck to use them!!

Fun stuff!

2009-11-20T10:14:00.007-05:00

So, the past week or so has been filled with a lot of fun stuff for us!

They threw a surprise shower at work for me yesterday. That was so sweet, especially since I've only been there for a little over 2 years. I had some really interesting conversations with some of the women who have kids - the joys of pumping in the office, bringing breast milk through airport security, that kind of thing! most of the women in my office have already had their kids, so I have a lot of good resources to draw upon!

I've also been getting so many guesses and predictions about the baby, that I setup an online baby pool. You guess the gender, birth date and time, length, weight, and then once the real stats are entered, it calculates a score based on how far away your guesses are. We're going to give little prizes to the top winners. Our friends and family are having so much fun with it, and we're having a blast when we check it and see new entries and the comments people make!

And then probably the most fun was last weekend, when we had our maternity photo shoot! The photographer came to the house and setup a studio - backgrounds, lighting, it was really nice. Then he spent about 3 hours taking all kinds of shots. Unfortunately, I don't think he had a lot of experience with maternity shots, as the poses he suggested did not come out that good. But I had printed a bunch of images I liked from the internet, so we still ended up with a lot of good poses. Here are two of them...

This weekend should be fun, too. My mom and stepfather are coming over for breakfast tomorrow to see the nursery and playroom. And then the balance of Saturday I will FORCE myself to finally get the car seats installed and my hospital bag packed. All the decorating must go on hold until we get the basics done! And then on Sunday, we have an all day birthing class, including a tour of the maternity area. I'm really looking forward to that, although all day might be a lot!

I'm really happy that I've been able to push aside my nervousness about this pregnancy and really enjoy it. DH and I were talking the other night about the contrast between me and my other good friend who is 2 weeks ahead of me. Unlike me, she was able to get pregnant very easily, but had two early miscarriages before this pg, where she's now at 36 weeks. She just hasn't been able to shake her negative feelings, and is really not enjoying her pregnancy at all. I almost feel bad talking to her about the fun things I'm doing, or to let my excitement for both of us show, because she is just not feeling the same at all.

She's always been very similar to me in her need to do research and understand everything, and she's doing that when it comes to things like baby gear and work benefits/disability, etc. But she's completely ignoring anything to do with the medical side of things, like the birth process, pain meds, even things happening in her pregnancy. It's almost like if she ignores it and doesn't question anything, then any potential issues will go away. It's very strange and very unlike her. I'm really hoping that her birth goes smoothly and the happier friend I know will be back in a few weeks!

The Playroom

2009-11-11T07:59:00.004-05:00

And here are some pictures of the playroom, which is about 90% done...

The playroom is really the formal living room, so this is the view from the entrance off the center hall. The back wall has a large cubby hole unit with half of the cubby's having colorful baskets, and the other half open for books, toys, etc. On the floor, we have the interlocking foam tiles for a play area that will be a little more sanitary than the carpet (let's hope!). And above the cubby's are inspirational posters that say things like Play, Explore, Share, etc.

This is the left side of the cubby's, I've hung the two "take-home" outfits that we'll bring to the hospital, and this is the girl option (obviously!). I have a nice wooden wall shelf with pegs that needs to be painted, and hung to replace the little stick on tab it's hanging on now! And then on the adjacent wall is a painted on chalkboard.

Here's a shot of the full wall with the chalkboard. We have a pack-n-play that we'll keep in here for naps and a changing table, along with all the diaper "stuff". I've also used the decorations (pic frames, clock, valence, bins, etc.) from the bedding set that I ended up not using in the nursery. And on the bottom left is the car seat, which clicks right into a swing frame, so you can bring the baby right from the car into a vibrating swing (there's also a stroller frame it clicks right into that's much lighter than the "travel systems").

And then this is the opposite corner of the back wall, with the boy take-home outfit on display, and a painted on dry-erase whiteboard. For both the chalk board and the whiteboard, we're going to cover the top half in cork board, so we can hang artwork and mementos (since the top part of both these boards are WAY too high for any child to reach!). And on the bottom right is the toybox that my SIL made for the shower:

And here's a shot of the full wall with the whiteboard. The french doors lead to the family room, but we're actually going to take them out and move them to the gym. I want the playroom open to the family room, and with the toys and the couch, the doors can't really open all the way. Not to mention that without the doors, I'll be able to see directly into the family room and the plasma TV that's hung above the fireplace... not that I won't have my full attention on our little one, mind you!! :)

We also have a growth chart that my SIL made, and that will be hung to the right of the doors:

And then finally here's the last wall with the couch. It's a nice looking pull-out couch, but we put a slipcover over it because I figure there might be a lot of spit up and what not occurring on the couch! Hopefully this will provide some protection... Draped over it is a blanket my SIL made, that matches the growth chart. And the pictures are also inspirational sayings with cute little animals.

And if you look real closely, you can see an orange bar with a light all the way to the right. That's our temporary, construction lighting as this room has no lights whatsoever. Just a light switch that controls an outlet. DH is going to install track lighting some time soon, so we can actually see in there!

I'm looking forward to spending time in here with our little one!!

The nursery

2009-11-11T07:17:00.008-05:00

So, we are finally "done" with the nursery. Just some small things to finish up, but I've crossed it off my list. And I'm really happy with it! Although looking at it now, while I tried to go with a neutral decor, I'm thinking it looks a little more masculine than I had hoped. Anyway.... some pictures!

This is the view as you enter the nursery, taken from the doorway:

Turning to your left, this is the wall with the crib. I have a humidifier on a small stool to the right of the crib, and a cute little monkey nightlight to the left. Because of the thick top rails on the crib, the mobile won't attach as it's supposed to. DH says he can craft something to make it work. The shelf near the ceiling was already there, so I loaded it with pictures of friends and family. "We" (DH) installed the chair rail, and he came up with the idea of using the corner posts with the chair rail, which I had never seen before - it looks really good! Above the crib, we will put wooden letters of the baby's name. (Of course, I already have all the letters purchased for both names!). We'll probably paint them pink or blue, to give a little "gender-specificness" to the room!

Turning to your left again is the wall with the doorway and the closet. In the area next to the door, we went with a small bookcase instead of the armoire piece, which let me put up some decorations. The thing above the bookcase is a "toy bag" - it has 4 slots where you can put little toys. Useful? Not too sure. Cute? Definitely! We also took out the closet doors and installed closet organizers, as the sliding doors would block access to the shelves and the bin in the center of the closet. Aren't the tiny baby clothes adorable!!! I love just looking at the closet sometimes...

And then turning to your left again, the wall that's on the right when you first walk in, is the changing table / dresser combo. I had originally wanted the hutch piece that went above the dresser, but now I'm glad it was discontinued. I like the idea of having a mirror above the dresser (especially if we have a girl!). And you can't really see the 4 pictures too clearly, but they are colorful pics of little baby animals:

So that's our kind-of-gender-neutral nursery. Stay tuned for pictures of the playroom!

Oh... also had another OB appt yesterday. All went well, nothing much to report, except that this doc said they won't check for breech position again untl 36w. Every doc seems to have a different story. Oh well! But they do want me in every week just to keep an eye on things. Fine with me!

Welcome to Labor and Delivery

2009-11-05T10:31:00.004-05:00

Yesterday did not go as planned... I thought I'd be dropping off my "sample" (pad from the night before), they'd test the discharge, find it negative for amniotic fluid, and I'd be on my way to work.

Not quite.

The doc tested and found another faint positive, so we moved on to the speculum and two swab tests, both negative. Then she took another sample and headed out to look under the microscope. After about 15 mins, she comes back in and says that it also looked slightly positive, so she convened a quick meeting with two other docs in the practice who were there at the time. They were all stumped as to why some tests are positive and some are negative, so they decided to send me over to Labor and Delivery to get completely checked out.

The nice thing about this OB practice is that it's not only right next to the perinatal group (for detailed ultrasounds, genetic counseling, etc.), but it's also connected to the hospital through tunnels that run over the streets. So no need to go back to the car and drive somewhere, find parking, etc. On my walk over to the hospital, I called my assistant and had her reschedule my calendar for the rest of the day, and then I arrived at L&D.

I haven't had the hospital tour yet, my birthing class isn't until the end of the month, so this was all new to me. The nurse at L&D was really, really nice. Very calm and reassuring, and continually checking to make sure I was comfy. It's basically a triage area with about 5 beds separated by curtains, with a chair, TV and some monitors in each. This is where you go when you first arrive to the hospital, and they check you out and confirm you're really in labor before they admit you and you get your real labor/delivery room.

So she hooked me up to the fetal monitor, and I could hear the heartbeat and all the kicking. They did an anti-stress test where they monitor you from the nurses station and look for the right changes in heartbeats, contractions, etc. Apparently I was having contractions every 2 minutes!! But I only felt one or two of them, they were definitely fake labor. Plus, the baby's heartbeat was perfect, she said. But they hooked me up to and IV to keep me hydrated, and that was probably the worse part of the whole experience. It's hard enough to move around in the 3rd trimester, but with an IV in your hand, it made it even harder to use the bathroom or my blackberry (very cool thing - they are fine with the cell phone and bberry, so I was able to keep in touch with people throughout).

Then after an hour or so, a doc came in and did the same tests for amniotic fluid (speculum #3 in 2 days!), and checked my cervix. No fluid, strong cervix. They did another ultrasound just in case - plenty of fluid. One very interesting thing they found - they baby has flipped! S/he's now heads up, when just yesterday, s/he was head down. So they want me to come back next week to check on the position. I think 34 weeks is the magic number where they want to have the baby head down. If not, they might do version (manually push around your belly to get the baby to turn), or you might end up with a c-section. I need to do more research on this whole topic - breech, version, etc.

So all was good and they released me. Probably about 3 hours altogether. And to tell you the truth, I wasn't really worried at all. It would have been very bad if I was leaking fluid, they probably would have delivered the baby, but I just didn't think that was the case. DH was miserable that he wasn't there - he has come to every single OB appointment, but since this one was last minute, and I thought it was just a drop off, he didn't come. And he has the kind of job where he has to plan his absences, otherwise, it's a big deal to get coverage. Obviously he'll have to get last minute coverage when it's the real thing, but I don't want him to use up a lot of "good will" for false alarms.

So that was my little adventure yesterday, and now I'm back to work, business as usual!

31w6d OB visit

2009-11-03T10:50:00.003-05:00

I had quite an eventful OB visit this morning....

Let's see... it started pretty normal. Fundal height measured 33cm, heartbeat mid-140's, all good.

She confirmed that the fibroid does not seem to be blocking the birth canal, so vaginal birth is back on. I'm happy, but also a little bummed as I was already counting on that extra 2 weeks of disability for the C, and the control I would have over the timing... but believe it or not, I'm warming up to the idea of letting whatever will happen just happen, and not trying to control it (who is this woman???).

We discussed the H1N1 vaccine. Their office still does not have it, and doesn't know when it will come in. I found out that I can get it through my county next week, so I signed up me and DH, but it contains thimerisal. I've done a lot of research on that in general, specifically for vaccinations. I'm not convinced that mercury / thimerisal causes autism, and I will do all the vaccinations for our baby, some of which do contain mercury. But if I can avoid it, I'd like to - why not, right? But my doc advises to get the vaccination next week, even with thimerisal, as she said a lot of people are getting the H1N1 flu, and that risk is higher, she'd prefer to see me vaccinated ASAP. So I think I will go, I'm just frustrated that there's a shortage in the vaccination, and that with pg women being at the top of the list, why they didn't produce the thimerisal free versions first???

Then we discussed my birth plan. I got all of my questions answered, so I will finalize it and submit it to them to have on file (since it's a group practice and I won't necessarily get my regular doc for delivery).

Now here's where the visit got a little scary. I told the doc about the continuing contractions I'm having, and she said she would do an internal to check the cervix to be sure the contractions weren't doing anything . It was hard and long she said - all good. She also told me that the baby's head is low, right by the cervix. She said that's fine.

I had also told her that (and I hope this isn't TMI...) my discharge had gone from mostly white to mostly watery over the past few weeks. So she did a swab to test if it was amniotic fluid. The swab changes colors right there, and she said it looked like a slight positive for amni fluid. If that is the case, and I'm leaking fluid, that would not be good - it could mean increase chance for infection, and other complications.

So she brought me right over to the ultrasound area, and had them scan me immediately to check my fluid level. The doc there said it was fine, in fact it was at the max it should be, which is normal for where I am right now in the pregnancy. So if I am leaking fluid, I'm replacing it as well. So the baby is fine right now, but if there is a leak, that would still be a problem. So the OB wants me to wear a pad tonight, then bring it in first thing tomorrow morning so they can further analyze it.

I'm definitely a little nervous, but I also feel somewhat confident that all is OK. I don't know why, but I just feel so good, and the pregnancy has been so strong all along, it just seems like this will be nothing. I hope I'm right!

Oh - and the u/s doc said the baby is measuring 8 DAYS ahead! I asked if this might indicate that I'll deliver early, and he said no, it indicates I'll likely have a big baby. Yikes! I'm not loving that idea, especially when they tell me a vaginal birth is back on the table. Ouch!

31w update

2009-10-28T10:46:00.002-04:00

Wow - 31w... only 2 months to go. It seems like time is flying, but also moving very slow.

A lot of great things are going on, and I have every reason to be ecstatic, but I have to admit, the dark side has been creeping up on me a bit. I'm scared that all of a sudden, there will be no heartbeat. I'm scared that something terrible will happen during the birth. Everything just seems too good to be true right now. I'm happy and positive 99% of the time, but sometimes that chilling worry sets in. I try to ignore it and rationalize that there's such a tiny chance of a problem at this stage, but I can't deny that the dark side still exists.

But now some good stuff!

We are making great progress on the nursery. DH (aka my night owl!)finished the painting at about 5am the morning the furniture was delivered. He still has to put up the chair rail, but he gave me the go ahead to decorate to my heart's content, and it will be easy for him to move things here and there to attach the chair rail, hopefully this weekend.

The furniture looks great, and I'm glad I did not overdo it. At first I was going to get the convertible crib, dresser/changing table with a hutch, and an armoire. Well, the armoire and the hutch pieces were discontinued, so I went with just the crib, dresser/changing, and I bought a smaller bookcase to replace the armoire, and a large mirror to go over the dresser, instead of the hutch attachment. Much better - I think the room would have looked too crowded with those other pieces, especially since the color is espresso, I think all that dark wood might have been overpowering.

But of course, nothing is simple.... first, the delivery guys put together the crib, and there was a bolt missing. Luckily DH was able to go to home depot and get a replacement. But worse, the changing table part of the dresser/changing table was also missing. There is a rectangular rail that attaches on top of the dresser where you put your changing pad, diaper supplies, etc. And once you outgrow diapers, you can take that off and have a regular, full sized dresser. I'm pretty sure what happened is that the delivery company took the dresser out of the box, loaded it to the truck, then threw out the box containing the rails. So now I have to work with BRU to get a replacement, and not surprisingly, it is becoming a big hassle, since this isn't an extra piece, it all comes together.

But, assuming I get that resolved in the next week or so, I'm really happy with how the nursery is coming along. The decorating is so much fun and it's looking really sharp so far. Once we get the closet organizers in, I'll be able to wash and put away all the clothes, and lots of other stuff from the shower. That will free up room in the playroom, which turned into the storage room the day after the shower! I love getting myself organized and putting everything in its place.

I've also written my birth plan, my hospital call list, and have finally taken the first step to officially change my last name to my DH's. With my position at work, and the recognition I have in my industry, I probably would have just kept my maiden name. However, my legal name now is not my maiden name, sadly, it's my ex-husband's name. I was married very briefly when I was 20, divorced at 21, and never went through the steps to change my name back. For no good reason except first, for embarrassment - starting a new job out of college and explaining why your last name was changing due to a divorce at such an early age; and, eventually, for laziness - it's a hassle to change everything!!

DH has been very patient - we've been married 2.5 years and while socially I've taken his name, legally and professionally, I'm still using my ex-husband's. I've had every intention of changing it, but life gets in the way, and things move down the priority list. Well, I went to the SS office yesterday, and will have my new card in 2 weeks. Then I can change my license and everything else after that. It might take a while to get every last thing changed (I have so much more "stuff" now than when I was 20), but at least I can sign the birth certificate with my husband's name, not my ex's! Needless to say, DH is very happy that I've finally done this...

That's about it for now. I'm looking forward to my OB appointment next week, and hopefully will get more information about c-section vs vaginal birth, and what the plan will be for me.

And hopefully, I can keep the dark side down!

Breastfeeding class

2009-10-24T16:40:00.004-04:00

DH and I went to our breastfeeding class this week, and found it somewhat interesting...

First, the class was call "Breast, Bottle or Both", and was billed as providing information on all forms of feeding. Not quite. It was definitely a breastfeeding propaganda class. How beneficial it is, and basically how crazy you'd be not to use this method.

Now, I have already decided that I would like to breastfeed, but I also realize that I may have difficulties, and it simply may not work for me. I don't want to be made to feel guilty if that's the case. I am very educated and I try to inform myself on all sides of issues, so I get annoyed when something that is advertised as balanced ends up being completely biased, even if it supports my beliefs. I'm smarter than that, I want all the facts and then I want to make my own informed choice.

I wanted more information about the different types of bottles and nipples available. Whether you really need to sterilize or is the dishwasher fine? Do you really need to warm the bottles? And this, for me, is about bottles of BREAST MILK (hopefully). I think they don't want to go into bottles at all because they think women will take that as a sign that bottles are "OK". Which, in my opinion, they ARE, if that works best for that mother. How long can you freeze, refrigerate breast milk, what are the differences between formulas, powder vs liquid, when should you start pumping to get ready to go back to work... all of these questions were left unanswered, unfortunately.

She also trotted out all these stats about "exclusive" breastfeeding being the most effective, almost to the point of detriment if there was any supplementing with formula. I asked her point blank if one or two bottles of formula negates the benefits of breastmilk, and then she backtracked a bit and did say that any breast milk is better than none. There just seemed to be a lot of misleading implications like this that I kept having to clarify with her. Probably making me look like I was opposed to breastfeeding, which is not the case at all.

All that being said, I did learn more about breastfeeding techniques and tips, which I thought was helpful. I have started reading a few books on the subject, but the video clips they showed were definitely more helpful than words on a page, so I appreciated that. I guess if the class was called Breastfeeding (period), I would have known what to expect and would have been more satisfied overall.

And here's the best thing I learned, that I'm happy to share with all of you....

It's OK to drink (in moderation) while breastfeeding!

And this is coming from a breastfeeding fanatic, so I'm inclined to believe it. Someone asked about coffee, and she said you can absolutely have a cup or two of coffee, that it would take around 6 cups of coffee to affect the baby. So I piped in to ask about a glass of wine, and she said that's also OK. That the amount of alcohol from one glass of wine that goes into your bloodstream is very small, and it stays in your breastmilk from about 30 mins after you drink it to 60 mins after you drink it, then it leaves your breastmilk. So a well timed glass of wine in the evening (or afternoon depending on the day!), wouldn't even pass a minuscule drop of alcohol to the baby.

After almost a year of completely abstaining from alcohol (between IVF treatments and pregnancy), it's nice to know I'll be able to indulge a little!

Almost 30w - OB appt

2009-10-19T16:07:00.003-04:00

I had an interesting OB apppointment today. Those contractions I thought were pretty cool that I've been having? Not so cool.

I go to an OB practice, which means I see different docs all the time. The one this morning was new to me, and I liked her a lot. She asked if I was feeling contractions, and I told her about what I think are Braxton Hicks contractions, and I mentioned that I get them a lot. She questioned me quite a bit about it, and wants me to start tracking them.

If it's pre-term labor, it's bad, if it's BH, it's OK. What's the difference? Hard to tell. But pre-term labor would be rhythmic, and stronger, longer over time, where BH are more random, no pattern. She said that if I were to go into pre-term labor now, that would not be good, the lungs are not developed enough. In another 2-4 weeks, pre-term labor would be "OK" - meaning very likely the baby would survive in the NICU, but now - not so clear cut.

The problem is that I know I feel these contractions all the time, but they don't hurt, so sometimes I don't even realize it. I've been trying to keep track, but I'm sure I'm missing some. Regardless, they do not seem rhythmic or in a pattern at all, which is good.

She told me that when I feel them, drink TONS of water, as the same chemical you release when you start to feel dehydrated is also what brings on labor. Seems strange! And she also said to take it easy on the treadmill, as that could cause dehydration. Now - I work up a small sweat, but nothing like what I used to do. It seems very counter-intuitive to reduce my exercising, as I've read so many great benefits of keeping in shape and how much it helps the labor process. I'm going to monitor myself real closely, drink lots of water, and see if I'm getting contractions when I'm working out before I turn into a couch potato.

She also looked up my last u/s report, and the fibroid has definitely not grown, and she doesn't think it will get in the way of a vaginal delivery. But, it might stall the labor, and then I'd need a C. My worst nightmare - hours of labor, then a C. I'm not sure we really worked out how to avoid this, but she did tell me something a little scary....

My fundal height (pubic bone to top of uterus) measured 31 cm today. I turn 30w on Wed. You want to be within 3cm of the number of weeks. So I'm right in the zone. My fibroid is 6cm. She said that based on how it's positioned, my body might think I have an extra 6cm in my uterus size, and it could cause preterm labor. So that's another reason she wants me to really monitor these contractions.

I'm a little nervous about all this. For some reason, I never contemplated that I would go more than a week or two early, or the complications that could arise. Not to mention - we're not ready! I still have a million things on my to-do list!!! This weekend was only mildly productive for me and DH, and mostly focused on regular, non-baby-related household things that needed to get done.

Surely the baby will wait until s/he has a nicely painted, furnished and decorated nursery to sleep in, right???

29w and lots to tell!

2009-10-14T16:48:00.004-04:00

It's been a while since I've posted, and a lot has been going on, so be prepared for some serious rambling here!!! Let's see....

Contractions

Yes, I've been having Braxton Hicks contractions!! And I've been having them for a while, at least several weeks but didn't realize it until I described it to my OB. Basically, my entire uterus gets really, really tight and stays that way for a few minutes. It doesn't hurt at all, just feels a little funny (and heightens the constant having to pee sensation). When it happens, my tummy is rock hard, and has no give whatsoever. Like a basketball. I think it's kind of neat that I'm having contractions!

Playroom

We finished painting, furnishing, and decorating the playroom! (Well, ALMOST finished!) And it looks great, if I say so myself!! DH has been so awesome about getting things done. He's a night owl and will work on house projects until 3 or 4 in the morning - he gets on a roll!

Anyway - the back wall is mostly covered with cubby holes - some with colorful baskets to hold toys and clothes, some open to hold books, stuffed animals, etc. Above them are 6 large inspirational posters with words (Share, Explore, Dream, Respect, Care, etc.) and children doing those things. I've also hung my two take-home-from-hospital outfits on the wall (the boy and the girl outfit). DH says it looks like a children's boutique! The opposite wall has a couch with a pull out bed, two end tables, and some different inspirational pictures above it with animals.

The side wall has a painted on chalk board outlined in contrasting molding, and the opposite wall has the same sized painted on white dry-erase board. The blackboard wall is decorated with the accessories from the second bedding set (picture frames, clock, diaper stacker, valence) and will also have a pack-n-play for naps and diaper changing. The floor is carpeted, but I've ordered those colorful interlocking foam tiles, color coordinated with the cubby hole baskets to make a large "area rug", and DH still needs to install the track/pendant lighting.

When it's 100% done, I'll post some pictures!

(And to brag just a little, I put together the end tables and a lot of the cubby holes. For some reason, I like assembling furniture. Just like I enjoy hooking up TVs and stereo equipment. Strange!)

Mommy Car

Yup, I went out and leased a mommy car. Or a mommy SUV, to be accurate. I drive a Volvo convertible now, perhaps not a good idea for an infant???? I'll keep it for fun - alone or couples driving - but for bringing baby here and there, s/he will be in the back of a Toyota RAV-4. Cute little truck!

Maternity Photos

I'm doing it! That's right, I'm going for the "Demi Moore" naked-but-tasteful maternity photos!!!

If I back up a bit... as my wedding present for my DH, I had a professional photographer come in and shoot "boudoir" photos - in my wedding night lingerie, posed in corsets and other outfits, plus some nude shots where everything is covered. And then some fun shots in DH's shirts, boxing gloves and dumbbells, cowboy hats, guitars, etc. It was a blast, and DH loved it. I got the high-resolution images on CD, and made him a photo album, 3 framed photos we have in the bedroom, and a "pin-up" calendar!! My girlfriend was with me the whole time and I felt very very comfortable, and really liked the photographer.

So I just booked the same guy to come back to the house and shoot maternity pictures. Everyone says I'm glowing, and to tell you the truth, I love the way I look and feel now. I've gained 12 pounds so far, and it's mostly out in front. So what the heck - I'm going to have fun with it!!! I've been looking at pictures online, and some will include DH, some will be alone. I'm really looking forward to it - it will be in another month when I'm right around 8 months along. They say that's a good time to have them done.

Push Prize

Some people think the whole idea is tacky, but I've picked out my push prize (push out a baby, get a prize!). Ok, maybe it is a bit tacky, but with all we went through to get here, I think we both deserve a prize! Which is why, unknown to my DH, I'm also getting him a "push-partner" prize. Shhhhhh!

For me - I had never seen this before, but you can get lots of different types of "custom" mother's jewelry with your children's birthstones in it. Pendants, charms, rings, etc. I've decided to modify this slightly and go with a drop pendant that has all 3 of our birthstones - me, DH and our little one. "Family" jewelry, if you will. And the cool thing is that I'm ruby (July), and DH is blue topaz (Dec). If little one is born in December as expected, there is a new "modern" birthstone for Dec that was established within the past 10-20 years - Tanzanite, which is purple. So red and blue make purple! I like that symbolism...

For DH - he's very musically inclined. He has a lot of instruments - guitars, bongos, keyboards, etc., and we recently setup a really nice "man cave" for him in the basement. He loves to play drums, and has the Rock Band (xbox) drum/guitar/microphone setup, but would really love real drum set. Well, a real one would be very loud, so I'm going with an electronic drum set, which I know he will also love, and can be used with headphones! In fact, in my preliminary research, I found a real nice one that can replace the Rock Band flimsy one, and then can also be a "real" electronic drum set, by buying a separate attachment. I think he's going to love it!

Fibroid Situation

Still no update here. No call from the doc about the ultrasound report. And in a rare mood of non-control-freak, I haven't called to demand answers. I have another OB appointment on Monday, so I'll just wait and see what they say then. How unlike me!

Baby Shower

All I can say is WOW. My shower was this past Sat, and it was so amazing. My mom, MIL, SIL, and two aunts all threw it for me, and I'm still overwhelmed by how beautiful it was. They had it in a private room of a very nice restaurant with gorgeous fireplaces, high ceilings, table settings, a sit-down lunch, etc.

My SIL, who is just awesome, MADE all the decorations (which looked professional), plus homemade chocolate covered pretzels, and candies, plus the centerpieces. She also made a baby blanket and hanging growth chart (all quilted), she made / stained a wooden toy box and filled it with all kinds of toys and clothes, and she made a quilt for me made up of marathon and other race t-shirts I've accumulated over the years. Plus she bought an adorable diaper cake. I can't believe all she did!

And everyone else was so generous, too. The amount of gifts was overwhelming. In fact, during the last week before the shower, I had to throw so many additional things onto the registry, because hardly anything was left! And I thought I registered for a ridiculous amount of things to start with...

One of the best parts was that my mom, who was a librarian before she retired, had everyone bring their favorite children's book to start our little one's library. I've seen this before, but she also asked everyone to inscribe the book and tell why they liked it, or what it meant to them. Reading the inscriptions was so touching, and made it so personal. Then, she gave me my favorite childhood book - Jane's Blanket. Not a copy, but the ACTUAL book. It had belonged originally to my older cousin, and was passed along to me. The spine is completely worn out, and a few pages were ripped and written on. I had forgotten all about this book, and when I saw it, I burst into tears. It was so special that my mom saved this for me and that now I can give it to our child.

I really had a wonderful time at the shower, it was quite a special day for me, to say the least.

And I thought I'd be bored....

2009-10-05T12:25:00.003-04:00

I had my ultrasound this morning to check on the fibroid.

Now, after having the 3d/4d ultrasound last week, I didn't really think this one would be all that interesting. Don't get me wrong, every time I get to see the baby, I'm amazed and think it's so cute, but seeing 2d after having seen 3d - well, I just thought it would be a little... flat.

Not so!

I had the same tech who was did my 20w u/s, and she was also teaching another resident. So I got to hear everything she said while she did her measuring with the screen turned away. It sounded like she was taking all kinds of measurements, using terminology I had never heard of. I like that. I like when they are doing more than what I know about - makes me feel reassured that the docs are on top of things, rather than me having to think of and question everything (a little of what I felt like going through IVF...). But the best part was that after she told the resident what she was measuring for or looking at, she always added, "so you see, this looks normal / fine / within range". Always good to hear!

And then all of a sudden, she turned the screen to me and said "ooo - look at this!" as she was giggling. It was the bottom of the baby's foot pressed firmly against my belly. You could see the 5 toes, and all the bones in the foot, and nothing else. She zoomed in and snapped a picture. I have my baby's first footprint! Then she went to the face, and snapped a nice profile (seemed like a smile), and a straight on picture (looked a little scary, I have to admit - kind of like a skeleton. The profiles are better). But then, the baby pressed his/her face against my belly, and she got a shot of the nose, lips, chin and the balls of the cheeks pressed up against the belly/camera. No eyes or rest of the face. It's so funny. It was fun getting these body part shots, instead of just the standard u/s profiles. I might try to scan these and post them tonight.

We told her right in the beginning we didn't want to know the sex (like I always do with an u/s), so she said she would refer to it as "the baby". She also looked through my file and said they had removed the gender indication so it's not even in there. But then... at one point when she was explaining what she was measuring to the resident, she said, "so you see, she looks fine".

!!!!

Now, I find myself using he and she a lot in conversation, because it gets a little tedious always saying "the baby" or "he or she". So maybe it was just a meaningless pronoun. But.... maybe she saw the gender as she was doing all the other measurements, and this was a slip? Neither DH nor I said anything, and she didn't seem to stop or hesitate, or even look over at us, which makes me think it was just meaningless. Or... maybe she realized she slipped and was trying to play it cool? I'm not going to try to over-think it because I'm enjoying not knowing, but I can't help but wonder...

Meanwhile, as far as the fibroid goes (the whole point of this u/s), I don't have a definite answer yet about whether I'll need a c-section. The good news is that it doesn't seen to have grown since the last u/s, and it appears that the head is closer to the cervix than the fibroid. On the other hand, it is protruding into the uterus, and the tech couldn't tell me what the implications would be. And the doc never came in to look himself (I guess the tech's pics were good enough). I saw the OB next for a regular appointment, and she said that they will get the doc's report and then call me to discuss. So I'm still in limbo.

If I'm really, really honest... I've kind of come to like the idea of having a c-section. I like that I can plan it (or at least, the "no later than" date - baby can always decide to come out earlier...). I like that I can stay in the hospital longer. And I REALLY like that I'll get an extra two weeks of disability to stay home with the baby, since our maternity benefits are non-existent. So I guess I was kind of hoping for a conclusion that it would be necessary after today's visit.

We'll see what they doc says when she calls.

Wow!

2009-09-29T21:59:00.005-04:00

Tonight, we did a 3d/4d ultrasound for fun. And it was really fun!!

We invited our moms and my sis-in-law to join us at a place not too far from the house. When you walk in, it looks like a baby shop, with the cutest baby clothes, keepsakes, etc. I stayed away from all of that, otherwise, I might have purchased everything!!

When you go into the ultrasound room, there's the typical table with the computer, but then there's a lot of seating and a big screen TV hanging up in the corner. Perfect viewing angle while you're laying on the bed, so you don't have to strain your neck to see. Plus the guests can easily see, too. When the tech started, it looked the normal ultrasounds we've seen, but then she popped over to 3d, and wow! It was the coolest thing. This was the first time I was seeing our baby in 3d, and I have to say... so adorable! :)

The funny thing is - s/he had BOTH her feet up by the forehead most of the time. At one point, the feet were in the eyes! Quite the flexible baby!! There was a point where s/he was waving, then it looked like s/he was cuddling the knee (which was next to the head). It was really just amazing to see!

We ended up with a DVD set to music, a CD of about 25 pictures in color, and then some of those u/s pics in black and white printed out.

Meet our little one (hand is on the side of face, knee is up against the other cheek):

Waving:

Sleeping:

I'm in love!

I passed!

2009-09-25T18:47:00.002-04:00

Woo whoo! My nurse just emailed me - I passed the glucose test and all the other bloodwork looks good. I'm sooooo relieved. I guess the working out and fasting before the test helped me out!

Heading home to eat a bag of M&M's!!! :)

26w tomorrow!

2009-09-22T12:49:00.005-04:00

Time seems to be flying, but also standing still.

I'm amazed that I'll hit 26 weeks tomorrow, only 14 more to go. Right around the corner from the third trimester. My ticker showed 100 days to go yesterday - that seems pretty wild! It seems like my to-do list is growing and growing, and I'm not crossing things off as quickly as I'd like. Will I get everything done???

But on the other hand, I can't wait to have our little baby in my arms, and it seems like it's taking FOREVER! I'm enjoying every moment, and really keeping a positive attitude, but there is a tiny part of me that still thinks what if.... There are still many things that can go wrong. I'm doing a pretty good job not dwelling on any of it, but I think I will only feel true relief when I hear my baby cry for the first time and we're told everything is "normal".

Meanwhile - some of the things going on....

Still haven't found a place to get the flu shot. I don't want to wait until my regular doc appt at the end of Oct, so my OB said to go to Walgreens. (OB will have the swine shot when that comes in). They do it from 10-4, so maybe one day this week during lunch...
I picked the cord bank we'll use, but need to sign up
I'm narrowing in on a photographer to do maternity and newborn photos in our home. Need to nail that down.
I created a Maternity Leave Plan for work - mapping out my time off, and activities I'll do before, during and after to make the leave as smooth as possible. I run a regional division and will not really be able to completely disconnect from work while I'm gone (even though legally, you're not supposed to work on disability). So I'm trying to set boundaries. Sent it to 3 bosses, yesterday, have heard nothing back... :(
DH and I (mostly him) is making great progress on the house. The gym has been mostly moved downstairs, freeing up the playroom. I'm amazed at how hard he's working and how much he's getting accomplished!
After all kinds of issues with my bedding (going out of stock, ordering somewhere else, that went out of stock, ordered somewhere else...), I ended up finding a pattern I loved even more! So I ordered it, plus all the accessories, then found out the third place was sending the original pattern!!! Oh well. I think I will use the accessories from the original pattern in the playroom, and try to sell the extra things I don't need on ebay!
I've hit the 10 pound mark - up 10 pounds total with the pregnancy (ok), 27 pounds since infertility treatments started (ugghh)
Still working out about 3-4 times per week, and generally feeling good, although I notice I am getting more tired
Took my 1-hour glucose challenge test this morning. Very anxious for the results.
REALLY looking forward to the 3d/4d ultrasound next week! Our moms will come along - so much fun...

And that's about it for now!

Hiccups!

2009-09-15T11:01:00.003-04:00

Had my OB appointment this morning.

At 24w6d, the heartbeat is in the mid-150's, the fundal height was 25, and I'm up 8.5 pounds. All right on track. I now have to go for a bunch of blood tests including the TSH check, and also my 1 hour glucose test to see if I have gestational diabetes. I really hope I don't - I love sugar too much!!

We spoke a lot about timing for c-section if that's needed, inducing if it's not. I have have a big work project that will wrap up at the end of December, and I know I will miss some key meetings, but the more I can plan my leave, the better. Obviously, I know the baby can always decide to make an early appearance, but I like having a definite "no later than" date. Then I can back in 2 weeks of pre-birth disability (the doc says 4 weeks is standard, but if I'm feeling OK, I'd rather just take 2), and have a reasonable estimate of which meetings I might be able to attend, and which I definitely won't.

We also discussed cord blood banking. I have been doing a lot of research on private vs. public. Private is very expensive, but it's reserved for you only, and public is free, but if you ever need any, you have to hope there's a match in the bank. The chances of ever needing it is very small, but I would hate to take that gamble and lose, knowing we have the money to do it (initial cost is about 1500-2000, and then 100-200 per year after). The deciding factor for us is that there is a lack of minority cord blood in the public banks. My husband is a combination of Black, Asian and Jewish, and I'm also half Jewish, so we have a unique mix of ancestry. It would be unlikely we could find a good match in the public bank if we ever needed it, so, with the doctor's recommendation (and usually they advocate public donation) we've decided to go with private banking.

But the best part of the visit was when she listened for the heartbeat. I think I've mentioned that I feel the baby kick all the time, and sure enough, s/he was kicking when the doc was listening. Well, it turns out those weren't kicks, they were hiccups!!! How funny!!! DH and I thought that was pretty cool. I'm not sure I can tell the difference, but the doc knew for sure. She said if they are more rhythmic, and it feels like the whole body is moving, instead of just one spot, then it's a hiccup. She also said that's good, hiccups indicate that things are developing well.

So a good visit all around!

Life is good! 24w2d

2009-09-11T10:43:00.003-04:00

I have to say, things are continuing to going really well for me! (knock on wood)

They are absolutely right when they say that the second trimester is the best. Now for me, I didn't have any sickness in the first, so that was pretty good, too, but I was tired. Lately, I really haven't been tired at all, back to my usual self. I have no significant aches or pains, yet, and I'm not so big that it's hard to bend down or move around. It's a really good stage of pregnancy!

And I love that the bump is obvious now. No mistaking for weight gain, it's definitely a pregnancy. Over the past month or two, people are congratulating me when they see me, there's no wondering if they shouldn't say anything. And I continue to feel the kicks every day, as does DH. That part is so much fun!

I've also noticed that my skin is looking and feeling really good! I've even gotten comments from friends and family about this. No more little breakouts or bumps anywhere, which I had before pregnancy. Maybe it's because I rub moisturizer on every single day when I'm done showering (I was not so consistent before!), but I think the hormones have something to do with it, too.

My only complaint is that I am very sore after I exercise. Sometimes, it's hard to walk! It's all in my hips - the doctor says it's just the ligaments stretching and the muscles are very sensitive. I guess my hips are going through a lot of changes now! But I love to exercise, so I won't give that up. I've already given up running and heavy weightlifting, and I've never heard of walking being harmful, in fact, everyone says it's especially good for you while pregnant, and helps recovery after a c-section go smoother (if I need one).

Oh, I'm having a blast watching things get purchased from my registry (shower is now a month away), and I even went ahead and ordered all my bedding and matching accessories. I had put them on my registry, but then they became discontinued. Yikes! I freaked out for a minute, since all my decorating was coordinated with the bedding style, but then I found it somewhere else online for 20% less! So I just snatched it up, along with even more accessories (why waste that 20% savings!!), and it's on its way to me now. Everything else that hasn't been purchased yet are things that I'm OK with switching the model or style if it becomes discontinued.

Meanwhile, I've pre-registered at the hospital, made an appt for a regular physical so I can get the swine flu vaccination and signed up for the regular flu shot at work. We're gearing up for the all the inside renovation, organizing and decorating that we have planned, and picking out things like paint colors, furniture for the playroom, lighting, etc. My lists are ridiculous! Basically, things are rolling along really well. It seems like time is flying in some ways, as well as standing still in other ways.

My next OB appointment is on Tuesday. I can't believe it's been a full month since my last one, with no screenings or other appointments, and I've been 100% calm. It's definitely the kicking - feeling my baby every day is the best reassurance! After this OB appointment, I have my 3d/4d ultrasound, my doctor's ultrasound to check on the fibroid, and then the OB appointments go from monthly to bi-weekly.

So that's about it - no major updates, just continued happiness!

-----------------------------------

Sep 11 - always a day of sadness and reflection. I was in NY 8 years ago, right across the street in the World Financial Center, and saw horrible things that will always stay with me. My heart goes out to all those affected directly and indirectly by the events of that tragic day.

Doulas and doctors

2009-09-03T10:07:00.002-04:00

Well, we chose a postpartum doula this week.

I had contacted 3 of them over the past few weeks and spent some time talking over the phone. They all sounded knowledgeable and experienced, so I setup and interview night on Tuesday - I had them each come visit for about 45 mins to an hour each. I didn't really have a lot of specific questions, but got them talking about their philosophies on breastfeeding, what a typical day would be like, what tips they had for me, etc.

One had the tendency to ramble, and her voice was a little loud and shrill. She would bug the heck out of me! Another was more grandmother-like, and a little too "granola" for me. She said she supported a mother's decision to breast or bottle feed, but you can tell she only REALLY supported breastfeeding. And I fully intend to breastfeed, and I very much hope it works for me, but I don't want to feel guilty or like I've failed if it doesn't. I also asked her if I would need to continue to restrict my diet when I breastfed. For example, I'm not eating deli meat now, but can I eat that once I deliver and am breastfeeding? Well, she said I really shouldn't be eating it anyway since it's so unhealthy. OK. Next!

The third was just right. She was confident but not aggressive, sort of a quiet calm about her. She seemed like an aunt, not a grandmother, and did not seem opinionated at all. Basically, she'll be making sure I'm eating and drinking, helping take care of the baby so I can sleep, do laundry and light cleaning, run errands, cook dinners, teach me how to bathe, burp and care for the baby, and a bunch of other helpful things. I know our parents will be around to help and support us a lot, but I like the idea of having someone objective and who's around babies all the time that can help us feel more comfortable with how to do things! We're going to start out with 3 days a week, then see how it goes from there.

Tonight I'm going to an open house meeting for expectant parents at a pediatrics group. It's only 1 block from my office, 1 block from the daycare, and 10 minutes from our house. Plus they are affiliated with the hospital I'll be delivering at. I hope I like them because then I'll look no further - it couldn't be more convenient! Luckily, I just happened to call them yesterday to setup a consult (finding a pediatrician was on my to-do list for Sep), and they told me they had this open house today. Great timing!

I feel like I'm keeping on top of everything I need to do, making good progress against my list. And so is DH. Poor guy - there is so much to do! He's almost finished with all his outdoor projects (pressure washing the house and deck, staining the deck, painting shutters, installing railings on the front porch...) and now he can focus on the indoor projects (finishing the basement, moving the gym down to the basement, and getting the playroom and nursery ready). This will be the fun part! I can't wait to start picking out paint colors and decorating. :)

But after today, we're taking a break from everything for 4 days!! We're heading to the shore house for a nice, 4-day weekend of beach time, golf, nice dinners with friends and hopefully a lot of relaxing! We have tenants coming on Monday who are renting from Sep through May, so we'll turn over the keys and head back to our massive to do list on Monday night. But meanwhile, I'm so happy the weather is great for the last weekend of summer!

Gender and names

2009-08-31T15:39:00.004-04:00

As you might have noticed, we are not finding out the sex of our baby until he/she's born.

This is very unlike me, the ultimate control freak. But when my DH said that if I was dying to know, he'd be OK with it, but he'd prefer to wait, it all of a sudden sounded like a good idea to me. Publicly, I say it's because after all our high tech attempts to become pregnant, it ended up happening the old fashioned way, so we're sticking with old fashioned. Privately, though, I think it has a little something to do with the nursery, believe it or not.

I'm not a big fan of the pink/blue themes, or even the really "baby-looking" pastel themes in general. My decorating style tends to be more contemporary, with simple lines, dark woods, a little minimalistic. I like neutral colors, symmetry and balance. And the idea of having a pastel, cutesy nursery just doesn't appeal to me. Since we're not finding out the sex, I feel a little more justified in going with browns, tans, taupes and creams in the nursery. The walls are (will be!) 2 shades of light taupe with a chair rail, the furniture is espresso wood, with beige microfiber for the glider, and the bedding is 2-tone brown stripes and dots. Hardly sounds like a baby's room, right? Well, I'm at least doing an animal theme, so I have a bunch of pictures and wall hangings picked out to spruce it up a little.

But I want the nursery to be muted and quiet, not bright and stimulating. I want it to be a place for sleeping, not for playing. We're lucky enough to have a formal living room connected to the family room that will become the playroom (it's now our gym, but once DH finishes half of the basement, all our equipment is moving down there). The playroom will have bright colors, motivational posters, chalk boards, those rubber floor puzzle tiles, and all kinds of fun, stimulating stuff in it. Toys will go in the playroom, where bedtime books will go in the nursery.

So in a weird way, not knowing helps me feel good about a more "adult" neutral nursery style!

Plus, we're having fun picking out names for both sexes! We actually had both the boy and girl first names picked out before we even got pregnant. We both agreed completely on the boy name, and were tossing around a few girl names we both liked, and then a few months ago my DH came up with a really unique, awesome girl name that I just love. So we've been playing around with middle names, and I think we're all set (I even setup birth announcement templates in Shutterfly to see how it looks on paper!). There have been two deaths in our families, and we are able to honor both with the first and middle names we've chosen, which we both feel really good about.

Most everyone I know who has been pregnant recently has found out what they are having, and it's fun to be in the dark!

Like a kid at Christmastime...

2009-08-29T15:35:00.002-04:00

OK, I'm just like a little kid. My husband even has to hide his gifts for me at holiday time because he knows I'll peek!!

Well, I'm peeking now. I was looking at my registry yesterday, and I saw that something had been purchased already!! The invites for the shower haven't even gone out yet, so it must be someone from my close family who's involved in planning the shower.

It was such a thrill seeing that a gift has been purchased. And it's our jogging stroller - whoo hoo!! I'm so excited. I won't be able to use it for a while since I'm due in December, but I can't wait until I can start running again, and now with my baby! When I'm at the shore I always see people jogging on the boardwalk with their jogging strollers, and I've always dreamed of being one of them.

I don't think I'm going to be able to hold back from peeking at the registry every day. I'll use the excuse that I want to check if anything has been discontinued, or that I need to add or remove some of the items, but the truth is, I can't stop myself! DH just shakes his head.

And we hit another milestone today, without even planning on it. We were out doing some errands and returns, and wandered over to the baby clothes section. The new fall/winter clothes are out, and we were checking out all the cute outfits. And we bought two of them! The first baby purchase we've made (excluding furniture). We found two adorable outfits for bringing baby home - one boy and one girl outfit. For the regular layette stuff I'm just picking neutral colors, but I wanted the cutest, gender specific homecoming outfit for all the pictures. So we bought one of each. There is no time limit on returns, so we'll just take back the one we don't need.

Now... how likely do you think it is that we'll end up buying 10 more homecoming outfits before the baby is born???

Babymoon fun!

2009-08-27T13:48:00.002-04:00

Well, we had our mini-babymoon this past weekend, and it was definitely the perfect getaway.

We arrived early on Sat morning so the guys could make their 10am tee time, while us gals headed to the "biosphere" pool. It's enclosed in a huge greenhouse, and they retracted the roof and sides when it wasn't raining. Nice way to enjoy an indoor pool, but still get the breeze as if you were outside. We did a lot of reading, chit-chatting and relaxing. Plus we took a bunch of pics of our baby bumps!

Then the guys returned, and we got couples / prenatal massages. Not as good as the one I had on my birthday, but still fun. And then dinner was fantastic.

The next day, we met up for brunch, spent a few hours at the outdoor pool, and then DH and I played golf at a different course called Black Bear. And wouldn't you know it, on the 9th hole, a black bear walked across the fairway!!! Couldn't have been more than 50 yards away from us... just strolling along. It was pretty wild (and definitely a little scary!). Then we had a nice dinner at the lodge, then headed home.

It was just enough of a getaway to feel nice and refreshed without breaking the bank! We might try to fit in another weekend golf trip to the winery where we had our wedding reception. They have a really nice golf course and hotel at the winery, and the food there is really good, too. Although it may be a little tough to be vacationing at a winery when we're not drinking!!

Meanwhile, I am closing in on the postpartum doula front. I have three of them coming over one night next week and will make my choice then. We are also making good progress on a bunch of home improvements for the nursery and playroom.

But the best is all the kicking! My little one is very active, and s/he kicks all the time. It's so reassuring to feel him/her every day, and makes me much more calm, especially as I have another 3 weeks before my next OB appointment! Plus, DH has been able to feel the kick on the outside a few times. Very, very cool. We are such typical first-time parents, eating up every little new experience, and feeling like it's an absolute miracle!

OB appt and updates

2009-08-18T10:42:00.003-04:00

Had another good OB appointment today. At 20w6d I'm up 3.5 pounds, and they took a new measurement - the fundal height. That's from my pubic bone to the top of my uterus, and it was about 20cm. She said that's right where it should be (approximately 1 cm for each week). The heartbeat was in the mid-150's, and she commented that the baby was very active! She even felt some kicks while using the doppler.

Speaking of active, I'm feeling the kicks every day. My DH even got to feel it one night! He felt about 2-3 kicks. That was very cool!

We also talked about the flu shot situation. She said I should definitely get the regular shot (thimerisol free) and the swine vaccine. She believes that the vaccine will all be thimerisol free. Unfortunately, in NJ, OB offices cannot get insurance reimbursement if they give the shot. Which is completely backwards, as pregnant women are at the top of the list to get it. But it has to be administered by a regular doc. Great - another doc appointment I need to schedule! And after the last fiasco with my regular doc, I'm not going back to her so I'll need to find a new one. Ughh.

I had also spoken to my cousin's husband this past weekend. He's a consultant to pharmaceutical companies. He definitely thinks I shouldn't be worried about the swine vaccination. He explained to me that it's really just another strain of the flu, it's not like they are developing a completely new vaccination, it's just a variation on the regular flu shot. He said that every year, the regular flu strain changes, so every year's flu shot has been modified from the year before. So the swine vaccination is not much different then the current flu shot in terms of testing, safety, etc. That made me feel better.

In other related news:

We've picked our daycare! After seeing all three in the area, we both felt strongly about one of them, so I'm going to register this week.
I'm done registering - except for the layette, I haven't figured out exactly what clothes, etc. I'll need, so I'll do that soon.
My shower is scheduled for Oct 10. My mom picked out this beautiful restaurant with a private room, two fireplaces... sounds wonderful. I can't wait!
Our baby furniture has come in! We got the call from the delivery company 2 days after it was ordered! Yikes! We're having it held until Oct so we'll have time to clear out the room, paint, shampoo the carpet, and put in closet organizers.
I'm starting the serious search for a postpartum doula to help out in the weeks after we come home
We signed up for 3 classes at the hospital - birthing, baby care and breast feeding
Mini babymoon this weekend! Golf, spa, pool, nice dinners with good friends - can't wait!

And that's about it. Everything continues to go really well!

The club

2009-08-17T13:17:00.003-04:00

I've noticed a very strange thing. I seem to be in "the club" now. The mommy club.

There are a few people in my family that I'm not crazy about, but that recently, I have enjoyed their company.

First, my DH's brother's wife. She is somewhat the outcast of my DH's family. Her daughter is 4.5, and she "withholds" her from the rest of the family. She has never let anyone babysit her daughter, not even her husband. He is not allowed to go anywhere but the local park alone with her (how weird is that???). She will never leave her daughter with the inlaws without her being there, and they can only see her on Saturdays when SIL brings her over, that's it. And these are really nice people. (In fact, MIL will be watching my Little One once a week while I'm at work, plus backup days as needed).

SIL seems to "disdain" them a bit because they work in the cleaning business. Meanwhile, FIL and MIL started this business from the ground up when they were newly married and struggling, all the kids (my DH, hers and their sister) work in the business, and it provides them all with salaries, medical benefits and a 401(k). I'll tell you what - I respect the heck out of them and think it's admirable that they have created a successful business that has provided for their whole family. And oh, P.S., SIL has never lifted a finger to ever earn money of her own, even with a college degree, and even BEFORE they had a baby. The in-laws (who are by no means wealthy) have bought them everything to help them out along the way (all their formula, diapers, groceries at Costco, even a mini-van). But yet she looks down on what they do for a living.

Anyway - I have never been a fan of hers, and I think she was completely intimidated by me when I entered the family - successful career, means to buy a nice house, vacation home, etc. Plus the inlaws and I get along great. She didn't come to my bridal shower (or even send me a card), and we've always been just cordial.

Well, since I've become pregnant, we've actually had some really nice conversations. Baby gear, challenges, the local schools, etc. And she hasn't been preachy, even though we will have very different parenting styles (stay-at-home mom vs. career mom). Maybe it's because we now have something in common, or because I've been asking her questions making her feel like the "expert". I'm not sure exactly what it is, but it's interesting. She's even opened up to me about her relationship with her husband, and even their sex life (OK, definitely TMI for sure!).

And the other one is my cousin, who I've mentioned before (had a good career, married wealthy, quit her job, moved to a prestigious neighborhood into a 1.2m home, has 2 kids, but the hubby travels 5 days a week). We had a family party on Sat and her family was there. We talked a lot about babies, baby gear (she offered to give me anything I wanted of hers, as she is not having any more kids - a very generous offer), and the whole stay-at-home mom vs. career mom thing. She even opened up and said she really misses working and feels a little lost in her life right now. She feels irritated that she's basically a single mom with her hubby gone all week, and she resents the cattiness of the mommy-cliques. That even though you try to stay out of it, you realize that somehow you got caught up in it, just like high school. But when she was working at the beginning of raising her first child, she felt very left out of things by having to work and not being able to have play dates or socialize with moms during the week.

I thought she was being very honest and open about difficult feelings, where there is really no "one" answer, and I was surprised that she was being so candid and thoughtful with me.

So I wonder... are moms talking to me more now because we have something in common, or because the now see me as being "in the club"? That I'm somehow now "worthy" of their time because now I'm one of them? Or is it me... was I never interested in what they had to say as moms, and I'm just taking a genuine interest now? Did I come across as intimidating or dismissive somehow because I seemed to have a lot more to talk to their working husbands about?

It really does seem a little "us and them", and I want to be sensitive to that when I'm with my friends without children. I don't want to make anyone feel like a "them".

The second half

2009-08-13T10:47:00.003-04:00

Today, I am 20w1d... officially in the second half of my pregnancy!!

I'm feeling great - still no major symptoms at all. Well, except the growing belly! I think it's so interesting how pregnancy affects people so differently.

I've had NO:

sickness
nausea
food or smell aversions
cravings
ravenous hunger
mood swings
change in nipples
veins
change in sex drive - I've read that women typically are not into it the first tri, and then very into it the second... I've just been more hesitant overall due to my worrying about the fragility of the pregnancy, but no real change in libido. Too bad for my DH - no big surge in sex drive for him! :(
change in hair or nail growth - I was hoping for much quicker growth, but I've been taking the prenatal vitamins for 2 years now

So, what HAVE I been feeling?

Tiredness - very tired in the first trimester, but much more energetic now (but if I try to take advantage of that and end up with less than 6 hours of sleep, I become exhausted)
Popping joints - more amusing than anything
Constipation - not pleasant for sure, but reasonably under control with Colace
Slight increase in boob size - about 1 cup size
Strange minor aches and pains - the doc said it's my muscles and ligaments stretching
Lots of peeing!
A "glow" - I don't see it, but that's what people say. I'll take it! I think it's just that I'm so happy!

I have to say, a great pregnancy experience so far, I hope the second half is just as good!

Movement!

2009-08-11T11:58:00.002-04:00

So.... I think I've been feeling the baby move for the past several days! :)

It's hard to tell, it feels a little like gas, or like your stomach digesting food and shifting a little, but I'm pretty sure it's the baby moving. I like to think it is, anyway! It seems to come in spurts, and it makes me smile every time. It's pretty wild!

Unfortunately, the movements can't be felt from the outside, so DH hasn't gotten to experience it yet, but he asks me each day if I've felt our little one. I can't wait until he starts to feel it, too.

On other physical fronts, my bump is definitely a good size bump now! I love it. It still is not definitely a pregnancy bump, but I play it up by wearing maternity clothes. I've only gained two pounds, but my shape has really changed! I've had 2 people ask me if I'm expecting - one at work, and one at the nail salon. It feels good!

Meanwhile, we just ordered our furniture last night. My mom is buying the crib (and conversion rails - it's a convertible crib), and we're getting a matching dresser/changer combo unit. I originally wanted the hutch to go on top, and a separate armoire, but I realized that is a lot of furniture, and it would give us less flexibility for things like a toy chest, a mirror above the dresser, etc. So we just went with the two pieces, in a style and finish I LOVE (and was highly rated in Baby Bargains), and then we'll add a lot of decorations that can change as our baby grows up. I was able to get a free crib mattress, plus 10% off for opening a credit card, plus there are 15% off coupons effective later this week, so I can go back for a price adjustment. All in all, not a bad deal!

And I did another round of registering. It's exhausting! Learning about everything you need, researching the brands, types, etc., and then picking it out. Whew! I'm going back tonight, then I'll probably need one more trip.

We're also closing in on a daycare - visiting the 3rd place this afternoon, and I've spoken to some baby nurses / postpartum doulas (I want to hire one to help out for the first few weeks - get us into the swing of things!). I feel like I'm moving well through my exhaustive baby checklist and making good progress.

It's an exciting time!

The big ultrasound - 19w1d

2009-08-06T11:06:00.002-04:00

We had the big ultrasound this morning, and the news is 90% good. Great actually!

First, the technician started doing the exam, and I asked if she could turn the monitor so I could see, but she said she needed to do all her measurements with the screen facing her, then we could have some fun.

So I was in the dark for a while, but DH got to see everything. At one point he laughed and said the baby looked like s/he was running, that the legs were moving real fast! How cute! I'm a runner, and while I've toned it down to fast walking on the treadmill since becoming pg, I think the baby is picking up that trait from me! The technician commented that the baby was very active, and it was hard for her to get a few measurements. She said the doc would try when he came in.

So then she turned the screen, and wow! The baby was so big compared to the last u/s. I could see chambers in the heart, the spine, and when the baby turned to me, we could see facial features, it was very cool. She printed out a few pics for us, then the doc came in.

First, the doc went over the previous diagnostics tests for downs/trisomy, etc. All the great numbers I already knew. He also commented that the baby was very active and he understood why the technician couldn't get some of the measurements. But he was able to.

Then he told me that everything looked normal, and therefore, the odds of downs, which had previously been ~1/2000 was now ~1/4000. So that sealed the deal for us - no amnio!

He said the cervix looked nice and long and closed, and that the placenta is in the front. Which is no problem, but explains why I haven't felt the baby move, even with all the activity. He said it's like the princess and the pea - there's an extra mattress in the way! I thought I felt the baby move last night, but I think I want to so badly that I'm half imagining it... but he said I will appreciate this later, as it will help to buffer the kicks when the baby gets bigger!

But now the 10% that's not so great... my fibroid has grown from 3cm to 7cm, and is protruding into the uterus. It used to be on the outside. Luckily, it is in the back, so it's not sucking nutrients off of the placenta and competing with the baby. However, it is very close to my cervix. Which means is could block a vaginal birth and result in a planned c-section.

He wants to keep an eye on it to see how it progresses. He said he's not going to order ultrasounds every two weeks (even though I begged him!), but he wants me to come back for another ultrasound at the beginning of my third trimester.

I REALLY don't want to have a c-section, but I'm trying to look at the positive side of this....
1) I get another ultrasound in about 6w
2) If I do have to have a c-section, I'll get an additional 2w off of work on disability. meaning 8w of disability + 3 weeks vacation for 11w total
3) No possibility of an episiotomy or tearing
4) If it's planned, I get to plan it!

That's all the positives I can think about. Not sure if it comes close to outweighing the negatives (surgery, recovery, difficulty holding/lifting the baby, scarring, never getting my flat abs back, and missing out on a more natural birthing experience), but I guess it's out of my control!

Insurance companies

2009-08-05T13:48:00.002-04:00

Now, I bet you all think this is going to be a post ranting about the bad practices of the insurance companies... Not so! (Not today, anyway!) My insurance company has actually helped me to save quite a bit of money lately. Let me share my "secret", maybe it will help someone else!

My insurance pays for any infertility related services (excluding drugs) up to a lifetime maximum cap of $10k. After that, they pay nothing. So basically, after all my diagnostic testing and 3 IUIs, I was on my own, having reached the lifetime cap. However, I still did 2 IVFs and more diagnostic testing at a new clinic, so I ended up spending about $30k altogether. But it could have been a lot worse.

If you've never heard of the insurance contract rate, you should become familiar with it. Basically, it's the rate that your insurance company agrees to pay your doctor or lab for specific services. For example, I might get a bill from my OB for a regular, prenatal care ultrasound for $250, which is covered by insurance. The insurance company gets the claim, and they "adjust" the $250 to the agreed-upon contract rate of $100 for an ultrasound. Then, the insurance company tells me I have to pay my 15% coinsurance ($15) and the insurance company pays the rest of the contract rate ($85). So the doctor has agreed to accept $100 for an ultrasound, instead of $250.

However, if you're not covered by insurance, the doctor bills you for the full $250, and expects you to pay $250. They expect to get paid MORE by an individual than they are willing to accept from an insurance company.

So here's the trick. I've noticed that on the explanation of benefits (EOB) that you get from your insurance company, they list the contract rate for the procedure in question. Even if they deny the claim because you've hit your limit. With that information, you can negotiate with your doctors and labs to only pay the contract rate. Some real examples I've negotiated:

1) IVF Clinic full rate for IVF w/o ICSI (not incl drugs) = $9410. Contract rate = $7820. Savings = $1600 (x2 for two IVF's = $3200!)

2) Lab full rate for initial bloodwork testing at new clinic = $840. Contract rate = $230. Savings = $610

3) Lab full rate for E2 and P4 bloodwork = $330. Contract rate = $60. Savings = $270 (I saved this at lunchtime today)

That's over $4k in saving right there, and these are just a few examples! My insurance company has a website where you can view and print all of your EOB's. So every time I get a bill from a doctor or lab, I go online and look at the EOB. If the service is not covered, I call the doctor or lab and negotiate to get the contract rate. It's more hassle and more legwork, but it is extremely worth it. The doctors are harder (I had to write a formal letter for the IVF discount, but heck - I basically got paid $1600 for writing that letter!), but my lab (Labcorp) is very easy. They say right on their invoices that if your EOB says to pay less, then you can pay less. I simply call them, tell them what the contract rate is, pay by credit card, get a confirmation number, and poof - I saved $270.

So I am grateful to my insurance company for providing me the contract rate even if the procedure is not covered, and for having a simple to use online system to easily look up old EOB's when needed!

Of course, even better would be if they covered everything, but that's a whole other blog post!

Two other cost saving tips:

1) If your lab is nearby, go to them directly when possible for bloodwork, rather than to your doctor (you'll need the doc to give you a requisition for the blood tests needed). When I was doing the IVFs, and having to go in for regular bloodwork, I realized that the clinic would charge $50-$100 for an "office visit", PLUS you would also have to pay the lab. If you go directly to the lab, you only pay the lab, no "office visit" charge. (I would only do this if it was a bloodwork only visit. If I needed an u/s, too, it was too much of a hassle to visit both places and still get to work on time!)

2) If you get pregnant (yay!), and your insurance doesn't cover infertility related services, make sure your clinic immediately starts classifying the beta tests, ultrasounds and office visits as "prenatal" instead of "infertility". Most insurance covers prenatal care, and once you are pregnant, the services are no longer infertility related. My clinic classified the first visit after becoming pregnant as infertility, so it wasn't covered, but I made them resubmit the claim under prenatal care, and that saved me a few hundred

That's all folks!

Still worrying

2009-08-04T12:40:00.003-04:00

I turn 19w tomorrow, and no complications so far, but I still have a bunch of worries....

1) First, I'm worried about my genetic ultrasound on Thursday. I'm worried the baby will not be alive. The last ultrasound I had was around 12w, and even though the docs have heard the heartbeat on the doppler, that doesn't feel as real to me. Plus, I'm not feeling any movement, yet, and starting at 16w, they say it's possible to feel the flutters of movement (although not unusual to not feel anything until 22w). I was good with being confident for the past few weeks, but now my anxiety level is definitely up. Thursday can't come soon enough!

2) Second, I'm worried about the flu shot. I've never had a flu shot before, but they highly recommend it for pg women. Getting a high fever when pg is bad for the fetus, plus it is supposed to pass along some protection to the baby who can't get a flu shot before 6 months. So they recommend it UNLESS, you've had a bad reaction to it in the past. Well, I've never had one, so I don't know if I would have a bad reaction. My mom and dad get the shot and have never had a reaction, so I'm guessing I'll be OK, but I'm worried. I like absolutes, not guessing. Plus, there's a preservative in it (thimerisol?) that's high in mercury and has possible links to autism (although never proven). There are versions of the shot without the preservative, but they are much harder to find. I'll have to talk this all over with my OB.

3) Third, I'm worried about the Swine vaccination. That's due out in Oct, and they are predicting a resurgence of new cases in the fall once kids go back to school. Pregnant women, parents of young children and care givers will be top of the list to get the vaccination. However, they are fast tracking the approval process to get it ready ASAP, which, from what I've read, means they do less safety testing than they normally would in a non-fast track cycle. Certainly, there won't be time for studies on the effects on the fetus for pg women. We would just be the guinea pigs! There was a problem in the 70's with a vaccination (for the avian flu I think?), with many bad batches of the vaccination that had to be destroyed. And I'm not sure if, similar to the flu shot, getting vaccinated while pg gives the baby any protection. Because then there's always the daycare issue - will an unprotected baby be safe in daycare before they can be vaccinated? More questions for my OB.

So, am I a raving lunatic here, and just worrying way too much? Or are these real issues I need to consider?

Another daycare

2009-07-28T14:53:00.002-04:00

DH and I visited another daycare yesterday. I'm very lucky as there are 3 day care centers within a few blocks of my office (which is only 10 minutes from home).

We were very impressed with the first one we saw, and not as impressed with this one. Not that there was anything wrong with it, I just think we liked the layout and the environment of the first one better. Also, it didn't help that this one was only a few months old and there was a very small enrollment, made it feel a little like a ghost town rather than a thriving place. I'll be interested to see how the third one measures up - we're going next week.

Some of the things I liked about the first daycare - outdoor play areas, indoor play "town", very sanitary conditions, the "feel" I got from the people caring for the babies, all kinds of cool toys, great security, the hours: 6am-6:30pm, before/after school and camp programs for older kids. And especially the video cameras in every room so I can watch our little one while I'm supposed to be working! (Realistically, though, this will allow me to see when little one is waking from his/her nap and run over to breastfeed during lunch if I'm available).

What I didn't like was that the ratio of caregiver to infant is 4:1. How does one woman handle 4 babies??? I guess realistically some are sleeping at different times, but still... A part of me thinks that maybe a nanny would be better while the baby is real little (maybe 6 months or a year?), then a daycare once he/she can benefit from interacting with other kids? For some reason, though, a nanny makes me so much more nervous than a daycare. I'll have to think more about this as I explore the options.

What I really enjoyed, though, is the discussions with DH that night. We both had the same reaction - liked the first place better. And we talked a lot about what we liked and didn't like, and what kind of parents we want to be. We definitely have a lot of the same views on things, which is good to know. Something that's probably not talked about enough before people have children together.

And you know... I'm finding that I'm taking all the time I was putting into the fertility treatments (docs, meds, research, etc.) and now putting it into learning about parenting, child care, baby nurses, birthing. I just switched from one topic to another. I'm hoping that once the baby comes, I'll just be able to switch from all the researching to actually caring for our child.

It will be that easy, right? :)

Shopping and lunch with mom

2009-07-27T16:52:00.003-04:00

This Saturday, my mom took me maternity clothes shopping. I have officially gone crazy with maternity clothes!

I'm ordering from websites left and right, I've won several ebay "lots" that are in transit, and mom and I did some serious damage at Destination Maternity (Motherhood and Pea in the Pod super-store). Most notably, a gorgeous Pea/Pod business suit that's just as nice as my regular suits. I think I'm the only person I know who loves maternity clothes! I'm serious. Things are fitting really well, and I'm loving my little "bump"! And everything is stretchy with panels - soooo comfy! I just have to hope that I keep expanding forward, and not sideways... otherwise, nothing is going to fit!

But the best part was the time with mom. We never really went clothes shopping together when I was a teen, and DH and I eloped to Hawaii, so she missed out on wedding dress shopping. We really seemed to have the same opinions on all the clothes, so sorting the yes's from the no's was easy. And I found out some interesting things...

First, she told me that when she got pregnant with me at 21, she had been overweight. During the whole pregnancy, she didn't gain any weight, and then after she delivered, she weighed less than starting out! Pregnancy was a weight loss program for her! I've never heard of anything like that. And it was surprising, because all of the pictures I saw of her as a young mother, she was thin, so I always assumed she was thin as a young adult and lost the baby weight quickly. Unfortunately, when she gave birth to my brother at 31, she had a more typical experience - gained weight and had a hard time losing it after. And now I'm pregnant at 41, we'll see what happens with me...

She also told me all about her birthing experiences with me and my brother - drastically different in that 10 year span, and also very different from today. It was really interesting hearing about her experiences and feelings as she went through giving birth and comparing it to what I'm learning about my possible birthing experience.

We also started talking about my baby shower. Feels kind of funny talking about having a baby shower at my age, but heck, I want the gifts!!! She was planning on throwing it with DH's mother, and we had been thinking about having it at my house, since we can fit more people there than at theirs (and then DH wouldn't have to lug everything back home). But then, she tells me that her two sisters (my aunts) have offered to throw me a shower, and hold it at the clubhouse in one of their developments. How nice is that!?!? So I think the moms and aunts are all going to get together to plan it for mid-October. I'm excited! I need to get moving on our registry!!

And then we talked about childcare and who would watch our little one on which days (my mom is taking 2 days, DH's mom is taking 1 day, and there will be 2 days in day care). She also gave me some great perspective on child development. She's a retired librarian, and always did a lot of children's programming for the library, so I couldn't ask for a better caregiver!

It was really a great day with mom!

16w6d - Cruising along

2009-07-21T11:21:00.002-04:00

We had our regular OB appointment today. All was good!

The doc actually said I looked much calmer, and you know - I do feel calmer. There wasn't any worry in me that there would be a problem finding the heartbeat this time. It's a nice feeling!

I always love hearing that heartbeat, though! It was in the mid to high 160's (same as it's been for a while) and we heard more little kicks. I still can't feel anything, though. If I remember correctly, in the last ultrasound my placenta was in the front, instead of in the back. There's nothing wrong with that (as long as it doesn't approach the cervix), but as a result, it will take longer before you can feel those kicks.

We discussed the first trimester screening results, and she agreed that with such low odds, there was no need for an amnio. In fact, not having it would be her choice, too. That was reassuring. So unless the genetic ultrasound turns up anything abnormal in two weeks, we're in the clear for the amnio!

I asked her when the next ultrasound would be after the big one in two weeks. And she said there really isn't another one, unless something happens and there's a reason for it. But she said - don't worry, we'll think of a reason and get you another one in a few months. Yippee! With my insurance, ultrasounds only cost 22.50 out of pocket, so you can bet I'll get another one!

She also told me to go ahead and sign up for the birthing and baby care classes for the end of October. Exciting! And told me I can actually use my hot tub if I keep it at 95 degrees or lower. I'm loving that! We bought a huge hot tub when we bought the new house a year and a half ago, and quickly discovered that while we were TTC, we couldn't use it (kills baby sperm), and if we got pg we couldn't use it (not good for baby). So we drained it, winterized it, and haven't opened it since. But now I think we might just open it up and get some use out of it. 95 is more like bath water, not good for using it in the winter, but I think that would feel nice on a hot summer evening!

Oh, and for those of you who are also preparing for a little one... I am reading Baby Bargains, and I love it!!! Fantastic advice about what to buy, safety, and ratings for all the baby gear, furniture, bedding, etc. I would definitely recommend it. I've already saved money realizing what I don't need to buy. And DH loves it, too. If he tells me I don't need something, I laugh, but if the book tells me, I listen!

Getting prepared

2009-07-17T10:17:00.002-04:00

OK, little miss organized is kicking into gear!

Over the past week, I've put together a pretty intimidating to-do list, sorted by month, of all the things me and my DH need to get done before the Little One arrives! It seems like a never-ending list, but it makes me feel batter when everything is written down and organized.

We also started visiting daycares in the area. Luckily, I live 10 minutes from work, and there are 3 daycares within about 3 blocks of my office. My mom will watch our baby for 2 days a week, and DH's mom for 1 day, so that leaves 2 days open. I keep debating whether I want daycare or a nanny, but I think I'm leaning towards daycare, especially since it won't be full time, and I will only have one child.

I have to say, I was very impressed with the Children of America that I visited. I'm also going to see Bright Horizons and Kiddie Academy. If anyone has any experience with these places, or has heard anything from friends and family, I'd appreciate the feedback!

A very strange day

2009-07-15T12:56:00.002-04:00

Yesterday was a strange day... I think my body and my mind is falling apart!! There was a lot of "popping"...

When I woke up, I weighed myself, and still no weight gain, but my belly seems to have popped a little. I'm noticing it's definitely pushing out more on the bottom. Still not obviously pregnant, but I think it's the start of a real baby bump!

And the other thing that's popping are my hip joints. Last night I noticed that if I'm lying down and switch sides, my hip pops. Sitting on the couch, get up - hip pops. I know they say that your ligaments start to stretch so your joints have more flexibility, that must be what's going on. It's not painful at all, just really weird!

I'm also feeling a pressure sort of feeling if I've been sitting down for a while and then I get up. It's in my lower pelvis, and it takes a lot of walking around for it to go away. Not exactly painful, but approaching painful. A dull ache, sort of - makes me walk slower and stiffer. I was feeling this a few weeks ago, and my OB said that it's normal - just the muscles getting tight, and then stretching when you get up. She recommends I get up and walk every hour or so. I forget to, of course!

Also, I had stopped exercising for the last two weeks due to being so sick, and I just started again on Monday. I've really lost ground fitness wise! Before I was pg, I ran at 6mph for at least 30 mins, and would lift fairly heavy weights. Once I became pg, I brought it down to fast walking at 4mph with a 4% incline, and no more than 5 lb dumbells for lifting. I would still break a good sweat. Well, after 2 weeks off, I have to lower the incline and go down to 3.5 mph! I hate losing ground like that.

And speaking of being sick two weeks ago - it seems to be lingering.... not the sore throat or sick feeling part, but the stuffy nose. I have so much mucous in my nose, it's crazy. I've read that being extra mucous-y is a pregnancy symptom, but yuck!!

OK, and here's the worst part. I'm so embarrassed to even say this, but we're all friends, right? Have you ever had one of those dreams where you have to pee, and in the dream you are in the bathroom trying to pee, but can't? Then you wake up, and are so thankful you didn't pee the bed (and almost horrified that you came so close to doing it)? My DH has these dreams, too, and we've both said how thankful we are that we haven't actually done it! Well, I've been getting up at least once or twice each night to pee. Not really anything new - I always drank a lot of water and got up during the night. So last night, I woke up around 2:30, had to pee really bad, went to the bathroom, sat on the toilette and peed. When I was done, and stood up to wipe, I saw that I forgot to pull my undies down!!! I peed right through my undies!! How crazy is that?!?! Definitely losing my mind...

Makes me wonder what other kind of wacky things I'll be doing during this pregnancy!

More stats

2009-07-13T17:06:00.002-04:00

Just got the updated statistics back from the results of the sequential screen (they were quick - less than 2 business days!!). These get added to the results of the first trimester screening to give a new, combined result:

Downs - was 1/1261, now 1/1957

Trisomy 18/13 - was 1/1742, now 1/17152

Spina Bifida - Normal, less than 1/100000

Loving these numbers, not bad for a 41 year old! In fact, she said I was testing like a 20 year old. Now, if the rest of my body was like a 20 year old, that would really be something!!!

So, unless the genetic ultrasound shows something unusual, I'm skipping the amnio!

Birthday bliss

2009-07-13T10:21:00.002-04:00

Yesterday was my 41st birthday. And I have to say - I think I would have been pretty depressed if I wasn't pregnant. Last year, turning 40 was difficult because we were just starting our IUIs, and realizing that things were not going as planned. But this year, I feel as if my life is on track, we are moving forward the way we want to , and it is all very exciting!

DH and I started the day with a couples massage. This was my first prenatal massage, and it was very relaxing. They used a massage table that can tilt and contour (more like a facial chair, sort of), so you're not lying flat on your back, it's more like your in a real comfy recliner. And then for your back, they flatten out the table, and give you pillows for your head, knees and stomach, and you lie on each side while she massages your back.

She said that they don't use as much pressure for a prenatal, because they don't want to increase your circulation as much. I'd say it felt more like a rub down than a massage - felt great while she was doing it, but I didn't get any lasting effects afterwards. I have another one scheduled at a different spa at the end of August, so I'm interested to compare techniques.

After the spa, we went to a Sunday brunch with live jazz. What's better than an all you can eat buffet when you're pregnant?!?! The food was really good, as was the music, so we had a lot of fun eating everything we wanted! The only thing I was disappointed in was that they didn't have any sparkling cider or "mocktails" so I could feel like I was having a drink. DH and I have stocked up on bottles of sparkling cider, and I love it! I have a glass of "champagne" every night in my wedding crystal, and I don't feel like I'm missing the wine as much. (And I have to give props to my DH - he stopped drinking alcohol along with me way back in Feb when we were prepping for our March IVF, and he hasn't had any alcohol since. Very supportive!!!).

Afterwards, we went to Babies R Us together for the first time. It was a beautiful day, so I didn't want to take the time to start registering, but I showed him the some of the furniture and gear I liked, and he did, too. It was a lot of fun walking around and looking at everything!

And then it was off to the pool, for a relaxing afternoon outside, burgers on the grill, and I finished the last season of Real Housewives of OC (boy those gals are mean and trashy!), and caught the season premiere of Entourage (love that show!).

I received a lot of birthday calls, emails and cards; flowers, candy and a stuffed animal (for the little one!) from my mom, and a very excellent present from DH. He usually goes with jewelry or some newfangled electronic gadget (two things I love a lot!), but this year I wanted something very practical. So he arranged to have someone come to the house next weekend to fully detail my car, inside and out. I have a convertible so I can't take it to the car wash, and I have to admit, I get very lazy when it comes to hand cleaning it. So this is ultra-convenient and will make driving it this summer a lot more fun!

All in all, a very relaxing and pampered birthday - just what I wanted!

It comes in threes...

2009-07-10T14:32:00.002-04:00

I think I've mentioned that I have a very good friend who is pregnant about 1.5 weeks ahead of me? She struggled with loss over the last 2 years, having 2 miscarriages with no explanation, and then was having a hard time conceiving again (she's 39, but great FSH and no other explanation for difficulty conceiving). She was doing injectible IUI's while I was doing my second IVF. And right after I got my BFN, she got her BFP on her second IUI. I was truly thrilled for her, but of course felt envious and a little left behind. And then 2 weeks later I POAS and somehow get my miracle BFP with no medical intervention.

We've both been enjoying going through this journey together, and we both understand each other's cautiousness and fear that there could be an issue. We also got married within about 6 months of each other, used to work at the same firm (in fact, she reported to me), and now work about 2 blocks from each other. Our husbands get along real well, have played golf together many times, and we all have a lot of fun hanging out. We recently went maternity clothes shopping while the guys played golf, and next month, we're taking a mini-babymoon together at a golf resort / spa, and we're all really looking forward to it.

DH and I keep saying how lucky we are to have another couple to go through this with us. The husbands get to commiserate together, her and I get to trade information and tips, and it's really just been an added bonus to a great situation.

Well, last night I had dinner with another dear friend who also used to work for me at the same firm. We've become great friends over the years, our husbands also get along real well, and we also got married within a few months of each other. She had a miscarriage right after they got married, but then conceived shortly after and gave birth to her adorable son. We get together about once every other month for dinner, and occasionally invite the husbands along!

And I'm sure you can guess.... last night she told me she's pregnant again!! She is due about 3-4 weeks ahead of me, in the beginning of December! We were so excited at dinner, talking about all kinds of baby things, and it was really nice to hear her experiences and advice. I couldn't be more excited that now I have another good friend to go through this with!! We'll all be on maternity leave together, and even though it will be the dead of winter, I'm hoping to be able to spend some time with them and our babies before going back to work (we all live within about 20 minutes of each other).

It's really great to have such good friends in similar situations to experience this with!

Three strikes you're out!

2009-07-09T15:16:00.003-04:00

Just got back from another good doctor visit (with a little drama).

First, I guess what they did was just put me for a regular OB appointment. So they weighed me, took my blood pressure, and used the doppler. The good news is that she found the heartbeat right away, the bad news is that means she didn't do an ultrasound... :(

But the heartbeat was strong - mid-160's. And there were a couple of thuds and odd sounds, and she said that was the baby moving. Pretty cool! So even though I didn't get a new picture, I was certainly smiling a lot anyway!

And a bonus was that I'm 2 pounds down from my starting weight, according to their scale. Now, I know that's because of being sick last week, even my scale shows a small drop, but according to my scale (I weigh myself first thing every morning), I'm down only 0.5 pounds from my starting weight. Usually the doctor's scale is 1 pound heavier than my home scale, but today, it was 1.5 pounds lighter in the afternoon, than my morning home scale weigh-in. Odd, but I'll take it!

I'm a little obsessed with the weight because I've always been in great shape, athletic, size 4 to 6, and very happy with my body. The drugs/IVF put 17 pounds on me, moved me to a size 8+, and according to my BMI right before I got pregnant, I'm officially "overweight". And I found that during the off-IVF months, I was having no success taking off any excess pounds, even though I was running 3 miles a day, lifting weights, and trying to eat moderately well. I'm hoping it was just the stress of infertility that was sabotaging my eating habits, but it could just be age! So I really want to be careful that I only gain 15-25 pounds (recommended for people who start out overweight), and hopefully be able to shed the extra weight in a reasonable timeframe once I'm able to exercise at full speed again.

Anyway, then the drama began. They took me in for the sequential screen blood test, which by the way, I'm not sure if I should have done... The counselor said that with my great results (1/1200 for downs), I might think about not doing it, and only doing a different test for spina bifida screening. The sequential screen results will add to the 1st tri screen results and give me new odds that will be about 2-5% more accurate then the 1st tri alone. More accurate, that's a no-brainer, right? Well, she said that it could cause the odds to go back up, and if it did, then what would I do? She was almost trying to talk me out of it. I was tempted to leave well enough alone, but I went for it anyway. I'm hoping I didn't just make things more complicated!

So we got that squared away, and then we have to wait about 20 minutes for the person to draw blood. So much for getting back to work in a reasonable amount of time! Well, the woman pokes THREE holes in my arms, and still can't get the blood to flow. And I can tell she's getting nervous, she's playing around with the needle after it's in (not fun!), I've never seen anything like it. Now, with all the testing, IUIs and IVFs, Labcorp visits, etc., not once has anyone had to try more than one time to get into the vein. Even when my arms were full of bruises, it was never a problem.

Finally the genetic counselor steps in, ends the insanity, and sends me down to the lab to have them draw the blood. One shot, they got it. But now I have 4 holes in my arms! I wonder if that was a sign that I shouldn't have gotten the blood test?? Oh well, we'll see next week!

A gift and an observation

2009-07-08T16:23:00.002-04:00

This past Sunday we had a pool party at our house and invited about 10 people and their kids (about 4 altogether, ages 5 and under). The weather cooperated, I kept the menu simple so I could enjoy myself, and we all had a great time. There were two interesting things that happened.

First, a couple that we don't see that often - they live 2 hours away - came with their adorable little daughter. When we first started our infertility testing, we saw them at a wedding, and she confided in me that they had been trying for 4 years (on and off due to relocations and other circumstances), and were in the middle of their 2nd IUI. They got pregnant on their 4th IUI. When I started the infertility treatments, she was one of the people I spoke to for advice and information, so we feel fairly close to them, even though we don't see them often.

Well, they gave a us a gift when they came over, and I had thought it might be a housewarming gift, as this was the first time they were at our new house. We waited until the end of the night to open it, and it was actually a baby gift! Several adorable, gender neutral onesies. We were blown away! On the one hand, I was a little superstitious, like maybe that's counting your chickens before they hatch? I have still not bought a single baby-related thing (except maternity clothing and information books). But on the other hand, it made it feel all the more real. Someone giving us baby clothes! I looked at my husband, and he had a tear in his eye...

The other interesting thing is that I noticed something about myself. A bunch of us were in the pool, and the mommies had their kids in our floats, and in their arms, etc. And my child-less SIL (who's such a fabulous SIL, I'm very lucky!) was playing with all the kids, and just jumping right in to help the parents. She just seemed a natural with little kids. Unlike me.

I noticed that I don't tend to gravitate towards the kids. I talk to them, and they like me enough - all in all a very pleasant situation. But I'm not a "natural" - you know, one of those people all the kids love to play with, someone who feels totally at ease with little children. Someone who picks up the little babies and looks like they've been doing it for years. To be completely honest, I feel a little awkward around kids sometimes. Hmmmm. Made me wonder a little about myself. Will I be a good mother? Will it come naturally to me? I tend to think that yes, I will, that it will be different with my own child.

I feel pretty confident at this point, but seeing my SIL in action really made me think...

Frustrating... but good!

2009-07-07T10:43:00.003-04:00

So, after all that running around last week between my doctor and Labcorp to test for strep and swine flu, it turns out that I didn't have strep, and the doc didn't do the correct swab for swine flu!!!

I need a new doctor, I think she's gotten a tad bit incompetent over time!!

But I'm feeling 90% better, still no fever, and just a little stuffy nose. And there have been no more occurrences in my office, so I'm no longer worried about the swine flu.

Although I do have to say - one good thing came out of this.... I begged my OB nurse to give me a quickie ultrasound to check if everything was OK after feeling so sick and all the meds, and they agreed! And it's right after I have my blood test with them for the sequential screen (adds to the results of the 1st trimester screen). That is on Thursday, only two more days to wait! And after that, between my genetic ultrasound and regular monthly OB appointments, I'll be at the docs every two weeks getting reassurances that everything is OK.

I can handle that!

Telling the boss

2009-07-06T15:35:00.002-04:00

So, as I'm approaching 15w, I decided to tell my boss today that I'm pregnant.

I probably could have held off a little longer... I'm not really showing at all (thanks to being so sick, I lost about 4 pounds this past week!), and I work in a different office as him anyway. But I did want to give him as much notice as possible, and I didn't want him hearing from anyone else in my office who might suspect as I start to get bigger. Plus, I think telling him and the people I work with will be one step closer to making this seem more real...

I was a little nervous about telling him. He is definitely "old school", and a complete workaholic. He's also not into "HR stuff" or mentoring. Just results. Luckily we have a few things in common - we both have season tickets to the Jets, and both love wine. He's come to our tailgating parties and we've shared a few glasses of wine. So we have somewhat of a loose personal connection.

Anyway - he was outwardly very happy and enthusiastic for me when I told him. He didn't seem concerned at all about my leave time ("don't worry, we'll support you"), but I still reassured him that I am definitely coming back to work. It was a big relief to tell him and start to tell some of my staff and colleagues. The support and happiness for me has been really nice.

I'm still skeptical about my boss, though. I think he's happy for me as long as I continue to bring results and work through my maternity leave! Unfortunately, we have a lousy maternity policy - I'll get my 6 weeks disability (8 if c-section), and then I can take 3 weeks of vacation time and that's it. Unless I want to go unpaid, which I can't really afford. So I'm looking at 9 (or 11) weeks to be a full time mom, and then it's back to work and trying to juggle everything! Because my due date is Jan 1, I'm going to plan to take the last 2 weeks of December off so that if I go early, it won't leave me with unfinished business. Plus, we're always really slow around the holidays, anyway.

So, another milestone behind me!

So,

Home sick

2009-07-02T14:38:00.002-04:00

The last few days have been quite stressful!

If I back up about two weeks... I returned to the office after my trip to Chicago, and found out that two people on my floor had the swine flu. As my colleague was telling me this, I was panicking inside. Not a good thing to be exposed to when you're pregnant! But no one at the office knows I'm pregnant yet, and I didn't want to tell anyone before I told my boss, so I stayed calm, and emailed my nurse for advice.

She said to work from home for the next week if possible, so I promptly left the office and worked from home all last week. Not really a big deal, and I felt fine all week, and no one else at the office developed any symptoms. So I went back to work on Monday.

Well. I woke up on Tuesday with a scratchy throat, which got quickly worse during the day. At around 3pm noticed a runny nose, too, and called my regular doc. Luckily, she could see me right away. She takes one look at my throat, backs away and says "oh... you certainly have an infection". She thinks it's strep, which is a relief, because penicillin is fine to take during pregnancy, as well as Sudafed for the symptoms (I checked with her, the pharmacist, my OB, and Dr Google... just to be safe!). So she takes a strep culture, but also writes out a scrip for a nasal swab to test for swine flu, just to calm my nerves, and sends me off to Labcorp to do the swab.

Luckily, Tuesday is the one day that Labcorp stays open until 5:30, so I head over there about 10 minutes away. They tell me they don't do the swabs, that the doc needs to do the swab and then I can bring it over for them to analyze. I argue, but they won't do it. So I head back over to the doc, who was surprised that they didn't do it. She takes the swab for me, and then suggests that it would be best if I take over both the strep and the swine swabs so that Labcorp will have them both right away instead of having to wait. OK, that's fine - I'd results as soon as possible, so anything to help that along. There was a little confusion about the swabs - she was trying to combine them on the same form, but I wanted two separate forms so they didn't get confused, so finally we were set.

I get back to Labcorp, and I don't have my insurance card!! The doc never gave it back once she made the copy. I beg Labcorp to look me up - I've been there many times during IVF, and they finally do, so that's fine. But then one of the swabs is missing! It wasn't in my purse, not in my car, it's simply gone out of the sample bag!

So I go back to the doc, who found the swab - it had fallen out on the floor, and also had my insurance card. Then back to Labcorp to drop off the final swab. Three trips to the doctor, and three trips to Labcorp. In a thunderstorm.

Unbelievable! I have to say, I have a new appreciation for the efficiency of the IVF doctor / lab process. Nothing like this has ever happened to me before!

So I've been sick as a dog, and even after all that running around two days ago, I still have no results. Labcorp won't release them to me, and I can't get in touch with my doc. But I feel pretty confident it's just strep - I don't have a fever, and the penicillin seems to be helping. I'm hoping that by taking it easy today and tomorrow, I will be up for the shore on Saturday, and the BBQ we're supposed to be hosting for friends on Sunday!

I have a blood draw appointment next week at the OB, and I'm thinking I'll see if they can do a quick u/s while I'm there, just to check that everything's OK. With feeling so sick, and all this medication I've been taking, I'd like to see for myself that things are normal (plus, that will be a nice midpoint before my next regularly scheduled OB appointment to calm my nerves!!).

Meanwhile, I'm partly working, partly doing some organizing around the house, and mostly relaxing and watching TV. I'm ashamed to say, I've gotten hooked on Real Housewives, and have watched all of NJ, NY and Atlanta, and am now catching up on Orange County. Pure trash, but I'm addicted!!!

Out of control!

2009-06-29T13:52:00.003-04:00

OK, I am officially out of control!!

I had my first maternity shopping excursion this weekend with my pg friend, and I'm a little embarrassed to say that in a few hours, I racked up about $600 in clothes from Pea in the Pod, Motherhood, Gap, and a designer consignment shop. But that's not all.... I've also ordered at least another $400+ online from Old Navy, JC Penny and Pea in the Pod (again). I was hoping to keep my maternity clothing purchases under $1000 for the entire pregnancy, but clearly that won't happen!!

Now, to be fair, there were some things that were unavoidable and shouldn't "count". I needed new bras and panties - I bought them on sale and there's nothing fancy about them, so I don't really count that. I needed the "mama spanx" shorts to wear under dresses and skirts because my thighs now rub together. Lovely. That definitely doesn't count. And I also bought a body pillow to help me lie on my side all night. That's not even clothing. So maybe I'm about $100 less when I take out the things that "don't count".

But still, I spent a lot. Now, I'm a very good bargain shopper, so I think I made some great purchases for the money I spent. And I think the real problem is - I not only need casual clothes, but I also need "business casual" and "business formal". So I need many different wardrobes. Perhaps $1000 was never a realistic goal?

Now, the sales ladies said that the clothes are designed these days to last the whole pregnancy. I'm not sure I see how that can be! Yeah, they have stretch, but I don't want to look like a sausage at the end!! We'll just have to see how this progresses. If all the weight goes to my tummy, I might be OK, but if my butt and thighs start seeing some action, all bets are off!

Luckily, with my bday coming up, my mom wants to take me into NYC next month to buy one or two really nice work outfits. That will be a big help (and a lot of fun, too!). I think, for moms, maternity clothes shopping is a little like shopping with your daughter for her wedding dress. And since I eloped in Hawaii, and bought my dress myself, I kind of stole that one from her... I'll let her make it up with maternity clothes!

Right now, I'm still fitting into a lot of my normal clothes, which is good because I haven't told people at work yet. I spent over 6 hours this weekend going through my closet. I came up with about 10 big garbage bags of clothes for Good Will and about 4 garment racks of clothes that don't fit me now (the size 4's, 6's and even some slim-cut 8's of my pre-IVF days) that I will store in the basement. So everything in my closet now fits me, looks good, and is organized. That makes me feel so happy! And after I lose the baby fat, I can go "shopping" in my basement for clothes that begin to fit me again.

I will say - I do like the maternity clothing look. I must be a freak, but I think it's adorable! I can't wait to have more of a bump! Right now, I could look pregnant or fat - it could go either way. The scale hasn't changed at all, but my body is definitely changing.

OK.... so how convincing does all of that sound? All of that happy pregnancy giddiness? I'm trying to feel like that, I really am, but here it is, a week since my last appointment, and I'm starting to freak. I don't see the doc for 3 more weeks, and it feels like forever. I don't understand how I'm just supposed to assume everything's OK???

And just when I think I'm over the first trimester uncertainty, and into the "safe" second trimester, two things happen:

1) DH and I were at the car dealership on Friday. The lease was up on his fun, sporty, yellow Xterra, so we traded it in for a more family-friendly Pathfinder (and I guess we'll need to do the same for my convertible, soon!!). We've worked with the sales guy before (nice guy, believe it or not), and he mentions his wife is pregnant. Turns out, she's 2 weeks behind me. We get to talking about difficulties getting pregnant, turns out she's had 3 miscarriages. Two were before 8 weeks, but one of them was at 17-18 weeks!!! No warning, no bleeding, just... no more heartbeat. Just what I need to hear.

2) I realize that I've been feeling this strange sensation... When I've been sitting for a while (at work, watching TV, whatever), and then I get up, I feel a heavy pressure by my pubic bone. Doesn't really "hurt" but very uncomfortable. Goes away after about 5 minutes of walking and standing. I emailed the nurse, she said it's normal, just the muscles readjusting, but Mr. Google says it could be a sign of incompetent cervix. The exact thing I'm now afraid of.

Ugghhh!

1st tri screening results...

2009-06-24T12:43:00.002-04:00

Good news, but a dilemma...

Here's the deal - the screening only detects 90% of the issues, and can also give a 3-5% false positive. So it's not a diagnostic test, just a screening. With that in mind:

My odds for Downs, based purely on age, was 1/64. After the test, the odds are now 1/1261
My odds for Trisomy 13/18 based on age was 1/116. After the test, the odds are now 1/1742

The genetic counselor was very enthusiastic - she said these are really good screening results. I'm thrilled, too, but now I have the dilemma - do I get the amnio or not? I asked the counselor and she said that women who have results this good mostly do not get the amnio, but it's a very personal decision.

Some thoughts:

First, I don't have to make up my mind right away, I have several upcoming screens scheduled. I easily have until week 20 to decide (7 more weeks), and I can even wait until week 22, but that could be pushing it.
July 9 - sequential screen. This is a blood test that will further refine the odds, going up to about 93% accuracy for downs, and also screens for spina bifida (80% accuracy). She said this probably won't change my odds much, since my first screen shows such small odds
Aug 6 - genetic ultrasound. This is a very long and detailed ultrasound that I'm really just doing so I get another ultrasound! The accuracy is less than the other 2 screens, so it won't tell me anything more, but will help to confirm the results using another method.
Chance of miscarriage from amnio - 0.3% to 0.5%
Chance of downs/tri based on new odds - less than 0.1%
Would I terminate the pregnancy if I knew the baby had downs or trisomy? yes
Could I live with myself if an amnio caused a miscarriage and the baby was fine? no

So my happiness is tempered a bit by having to decide how I'm going to roll the dice. Do I eliminate the chance of miscarriage, but risk downs/trisomy? Or do I know for sure about downs/trisomy and risk miscarriage? If I skip the amnio, will I be worried all pregnancy? What would I do if I gave birth to a baby with downs?

At my age (will be 41 at delivery), I was fully expecting to be at a higher risk level and going ahead with the test. But now, the risk of a chromosomal problem is significantly less than the risk of miscarriage. I'm a numbers girl, so my gut is telling me not to do it, but I'm very interested to hear any other experiences, opinions, or thoughts!

PS - had my 2nd OB appointment yesterday. Very quick (except for the 45 minute late doctor!). Couldn't find the heartbeat on the doppler, but found it right away on the ultrasound (giving me yet another picture!). The funny thing is - I wasn't nervous when she couldn't find it on the doppler - I think I'm feeling more confident!

Father's Day

2009-06-22T10:56:00.002-04:00

This was probably the best Father's Day we've ever had!

We ended up having 22 people over, and unfortunately, it rained. In order to accommodate my uncle who lives quite a distance away, and always hits a lot of traffic on the holidays, we had our BBQ on Saturday, when it rained all day, instead of Sunday, when it was high 70s and overcast - a perfect day for an outdoor BBQ. I was cranky all morning, not relishing the idea of entertaining 22 people INSIDE, when we have a gorgeous back yard with a large deck, patio area, pool, and more seating than ever needed.

But it all turned out fine, there was actually plenty of room and no one felt crowded. My niece and a few in-laws actually went in the pool even though it was drizzling, and the younger crowd had a blast down in DH's "man cave" playing xbox, Rock Band and all that stuff.

But the best part was telling the relatives that we were pregnant. Especially my grandparents. They had tears in their eyes when I showed them my ultrasound pics. Everyone was truly happy for me, and I knew there was no one that could be secretly going through infertility issues and feeling that pain that we all know when an announcement like this is made. All of my aunts/uncles have children and are in their 50/60's, and I am about 14 years older than all my siblings/nieces/nephews, and none of them are married.

My grandmother was funny - she said she had a big feeling there would be an announcement this weekend. How the heck did she know?? She said I was "cranky" when we got together for Hanukah (December) and Passover (March), and then when I sent the email invite for Father's Day in early June, and invited everyone (which I always do), my email sounded so happy, that she thought I was pregnant!?!?!? I tell you, Jewish grandmothers know everything!!!

It really was a fun day, and great to hear everyone's happiness and support for us. And I'm starting to feel more confident that everything will continue to go well (knock on wood!). My girlfriend and I are going maternity clothes shopping this Sat, while the DH's play golf, then meeting back for BBQ and pool time, and we're starting to look at nursery designs. It's really starting to feel real, like this will really lead to a baby for us!

Whew!

2009-06-18T16:32:00.003-04:00

All is good! Our Little One is 6.6cm, which actually measures at 12w6d, and I'm only 12w1d today. So LO is growing fast! (still in normal range, though, not enough to change my due date, but hopefully enough to guarantee a 2009 tax deduction!). The heartbeat is 165, nice and strong, and the NT measurement is 1.8 (what they screen for to give you more accurate odds for Downs Syndrome). They said they like to see under 3, so I'm well within "normal" range, but I'll have the combined results (with the blood test) in a week, which will be 90% accurate.

They told me that based on age alone, my odds are 1/42. I asked her about the 1/75 I had heard about, but she said that's once I'm in the second trimester. Since I'm still in the first, it's 1/42, since many instances of downs will cause you miscarry before second tri. I'm also going to take a week 15 blood test to further refine the odds (but it will still be less than 95% accurate). She told me that I'll get those results a week later, and then they would be able to get me in for an amnio in a few days if I wanted to go forward with it. We'll just have to see. I don't want to be worried the whole pregnancy, but I so hate the idea of going ahead with something that has a 0.5% chance of miscarriage. The doc also said something about seeing the nasal bone (?) which is also a good sign that things are going well.

Other good news - my cervix is 3.3 long. Under 2.5 is considered short, and could mean you have a weak cervix (risk of 2nd tri miscarriage), but I'm looking good. Plus the placenta is not covering the cervix so far (placenta previa), which would mean most certainly a c-section. The only not-so-great thing is that my fibroid is now 5cm (grown from 3cm before pregnancy). Growth is normal during pregnancy, but you don't want it to interfere with the fetal growth by pushing into the uterus. So far it's not. You also don't want the placenta to be on top of the fibroid, and it's not. And finally you don't want the fibroid to block the birth canal, which it's not now, but it's kind of close. If that happens, it could mean a c-section. It just depends on which direction it's growing.

So all-in-all, I'm excited! The doc said everything is looking really good. LO was moving around a lot, it was really fun to see. They had to keep poking LO and asking me to cough to get the right angle. At one point, LO was sitting cross-legged, it was real cute! And I have 2 strips of pictures which are much more detailed than before.

I go back on Tues for a regular OB appt - I'm sure I won't get an ultrasound, but hopefully we can listen to the heartbeat with a doppler. We're going to tell extended family over the next week, and then I'll tell my boss once I'm at the end of 13 weeks (about 2 weeks from now). I had always thought the first trimester ended at 12 weeks, but my doc said it's the end of the 13th week. More waiting!

I think I'm starting to show a little, although it's hard to distinguish from my 17 extra IVF pounds! I haven't gained any weight on the scale, but everything is shifting. I bought a bella band, and these pant extenders with different color "shields" that slip over the extender and match your pants. But I think I'll need to break down and hit the maternity clothes pretty soon. Let's hope anyway!

Mostly, I'm going to try really hard to not let myself freak out as much anymore. Easier said than done, I know this is my post-appointment "high" talking, but I really have every reason to by confident, I think...

One more day

2009-06-17T15:30:00.004-04:00

Well, here we are. One day away from the first tri screening, and most importantly, the ultrasound!

I've been a wreck this past week. I've been busy with work for most of it, thankfully, but my fears have always been at the back of thoughts. I really have very minimal symptoms. No sickness or nausea AT ALL. Much less tired, no weight gain (altho plenty of bloating). Oh, and here's a sad (not REALLY sad, but sad for me) story...

My bras have been pretty tight, so I went to Victoria Secret this weekend. I've always been a 36 barely-B, and I have all of these big-time push up bras that make my almost nothing look like something. But I know I've grown, so I wanted to get fitted properly for a bra, with no padding and no under wire (not supposed to be good for milk duct development?). Now, first of all - I've never been measured before, so I felt a little funny about asking, but I've always pictured the "bra measurers" to be granny-like women. Well, all the employees in Victoria Secret are in their 20's. I actually felt embarrassed to ask!

I found the maturest looking employee and asked her to measure me. We go into the dressing room and she measures me over my clothes. I'm now a 38C!! Whoo hoo! I'm pretty excited! Now, the 36-to-38 growth is most likely because of the 17 fertility drug pounds I've gained (and the new back fat I've seemed to develop - lovely), but the B-to-C action - excellent! So I try one on, it fits (surprise surprise!), and I'm on my way, all excited that I'm now a C-cup while my belly is still pretty normal.

That was on Saturday... a few days later, I'm wearing one of my new bras, and I'm sitting back, and noticing that there's no way I'm filling up this thing!! My little boobies are swimming in this massive C-cup!! When I stood up straight, it was a little better, but I'm still feeling like it's wishful thinking. And I remember that she measured me with my clothes on. Including my big-time push up bra that adds a cup size. Hmmm.

So all this is making me think that I've really only gone from a barely-B to a B, and that I should just be buying 38B's to accommodate for the new back fat. One symptom I THOUGHT I had, crossed of the list. Darn!

And then today, a weird thing happened. I was sitting in my car, sneezed, and felt a real sharp pain in my abdomen. It lasted a little while, then faded. I can still feel something if I push on it. That's never happened before!

So anyway - you can see I'm literally driving myself crazy here! My appointment can't be soon enough - 1pm for the genetic screening, and 2:30 for the u/s. I feel like this is a huge milestone, and I will be sooo thankful if everything is OK.

I broke down

2009-06-11T12:47:00.002-04:00

Yes, it's true. I really tried to be strong, but I broke down and called my RE to see if they could see me for a quick ultrasound tomorrow just to make sure everything was fine. My RE's office is right across the street from my work, and they start their morning monitoring at 6am - soooo convenient!

Well, the nurse said that once they release a patient to the OB after 8 weeks, they don't see them after that. :( She asked if anything was physically wrong? No. She asked if my TSH was down? Yes, plus I told her my Prog was up again. She asked if they were doing the first trimester screening? Yes. She said she completely understands my nervousness, but all indications are good, and I should try not worry (although of course, unlike other nurses, she gets why I do!).

I thought abut calling my OB, but they don't have the early morning hours, and they're about 20 minutes from the office. Plus, I'm only working a half day tomorrow before heading down the shore, then going to Chicago from Sunday to Tuesday. So that only leaves Wednesday which is just one day before my appointment on Thursday. And that makes no sense.

I'm glad I tried, but in a way, I'm glad they couldn't accommodate me. I really want to just be "normal" with this pregnancy - the less drama the better. And special, unscheduled ultrasounds for no medical reason - definitely drama.

I'm kind of happy this option of going to the RE is off the table. I have my first tri screen next week at 12w, then the regular OB appt at 13w, and I think they do amnio at 15w or 16w. Then back to OB at 17w. So I do have a bunch of appointments coming up, I just need to get through this long stretch right now...

11w today, and restless

2009-06-10T13:18:00.003-04:00

I have just over a week to go before my next doctor's appointment, and I think I'm getting restless. I'm convinced I'm no longer pregnant. Why? Well, I'm not really that tired anymore. I used to go to bed exhausted at 9:30 or 10, and now I'm up til 11 no problem. I'm not as hungry as I used to be. I'm not gaining weight. No nausea, no twinges or any kind of feelings in my uterus, nothing. Subconsciously, I think I've convinced myself that the baby has stopped growing and that they will not find a heartbeat next week.

Sigh. I hope I'm just being dramatic.

I had the weirdest dream last night. I dreamt I was at my next docs appointment which is supposed to be genetic counseling followed by the ultrasound. I get there, and they send me right to the ultrasound. They find a heartbeat, but the doc says that my lining is too thin, and it could mean I'll lose the baby, and he prescribes progesterone. (Which is very odd, since my lining has always been plenty thick during IVF treatments). I'm too upset and shocked to ask all the questions I would normally ask, so I don't know any of the details.

Then when we go back to the receptionist, she tells me that now it's too late for the genetic counseling, that I missed that appointment. I tell her that they are the ones who sent me to ultrasound and now they have to give me the genetic appointment. She says sorry, you missed it. I proceed to throw a loud, obnoxious fit in front of all the other patients, much to DH's dismay. They give in and send us back for the genetic appointment. Which turns out to be a group appointment with other couples and "contests" you have to do, kind of like game night with friends. Very bizarre.

I think this is my fear and restlessness creating these "nightmares". To counteract that bad feeling waking up from a dream like that, I went online to order a bunch of "grandfather" books for Father's Day gifts. We're announcing (hopefully) to our extended family at our Father's Day bbq, so I bought some "spoiling your grandkids" books and grandfather "journals", where my and DH's dad can answer questions about their lives, add pictures, etc., so our new baby can learn about their grandpas. I even got one for my grandfather, who will become a first time great-grandfather (and in very good health, too - pretty amazing since I'm already 40)!

Luckily, I'm pretty busy from Friday until next Tues, so that will help me take my mind off everything. I hope!

The step family

2009-06-08T11:45:00.003-04:00

Sometimes, my family really annoys me. And most of the time they're really great! Well, at least my close family (parents, siblings, in-laws) are excellent and supportive, it's just some of the extended family I could strangle....

My step-father's family tends to be very competitive and always compares the children / cousins, which is very petty and annoying. I am a few years older than my female step-cousin, and my younger brother is a few years younger than the male step-cousin. Every question is a combination of some concern, but mostly information gathering so they can compare it with their own children. Who got better SAT scores, who went to better colleges, who has the better jobs, better houses, etc. It's really not fun. But in case you're wondering, my brother "won" the in the SAT score category (perfect score, way to go, bro!), I "won" in the best job category, and the two cousins both "won" in the better colleges category. But my female cousin, well, she married "very well", has a ridiculously expensive house and two lovely daughters they had absolutely no problem conceiving. She no longer works, despite her ivy-league education, has a nanny, a decorator, a maid, and who knows what else. So I guess ultimately, in their eyes, she is "the winner". However, her husband travels to Europe every week, so he's never home, and is completely uninvolved in his daughters' lives (or even my cousin's, it seems to me, but I'm not around them all that much). Not something I envy in the least, but I guess everyone has a different dream...

So, when I started having problems conceiving (score for their side!), you can bet I didn't tell my step-family. I really just told the close friends and family that I trusted and knew would be pulling for me. Well, when my brother's wife died unexpectedly, her funeral fell on the day of my second IVF's egg retrieval. I hated it, but I couldn't go to her funeral (of course my brother and family understood, but I felt terrible). It was such a tragedy and so difficult for everyone, so I didn't want to add to the stress and ask my mom to lie when people asked her why I wasn't there. So I told her she could tell people if they asked, which they obviously did.

My step-aunt right away wanted all the details. Then she asked if she could call me in a few weeks to see how I was doing (now - we've never had a phone relationship - purely family get-togethers). I told her that I would really appreciate it if she does NOT call to ask if the IVF was successful. If it wasn't, I would be devastated and would not want to talk to people about it. If it was positive, she would hear about it in due time.

Well, of course she called a week or so later, AND ASKED. It was a day or two before my beta, so I told her we didn't know yet. I reminded her that I really didn't want people asking me how it went. But then, she calls again about a week later! I had already gotten the BFN, but I had no intention of discussing it with her. We made small talk for a long time and I simply didn't bring it up. It was such a phony conversation. I think she chickened out because she didn't ask me, but then promptly got on the phone with my mom/step-dad who told her the bad news. I haven't heard from her since. The whole thing really irritated me.

Fast forward, when I found out I was pregnant, I asked my parents not to tell them (and other extended family) until I get past the first tri. So she keeps asking my mom how we are, etc. Mom just says we're doing great and then changes the subject, even though she wants more. Well, they are going to visit my aunt this week, and so my mom asked what I want her to say because she knows there will be a lot more in-depth probing: are they trying again? when? what are they trying?, IVF, egg donor, etc. etc. etc. It's a lot easier to dodge all the questions on the phone - more difficult when you're their house guest for a week!

So I told her just to look straight at her and say "I appreciate your concern, but [my name] prefers not to discuss this" and leave it at that. If more questions come up, just keep repeating that phrase. My mom is fine with that, but I hate that my reproductive status has become a part of this competitive family's gossip, and that it puts my mom in an awkward situation.

White knuckling it

2009-06-05T11:49:00.002-04:00

OK, it's been a week and 3 days since my last ultrasound. Still no symptoms except feeling very tired and bloated. I'm going a little stir crazy!

But I really am going to try not to break down and call the doc for an u/s before my next appointment on June 18. I want to try to be "normal". It's hard, though, to be so in the dark about what's going on. And it's easy to let my fears take over. I figure, though, it's really just the next week I need to get through. After that, my girlfriend is visiting us at our shore house next Friday to Sunday, then I leave for Chicago on business from Sunday to Tuesday. I'll be exhausted from travelling and trying to catch up back at the office on Wednesday, and then my appointment is Thursday (afternoon). So if I can make it one more week, I'll be in the home stretch!

Meanwhile, I think I actually have to visit the maternity store this weekend... I've always been fairly small chested (barely-B cup), and I wouldn't be surprised if I've jumped up a cup size. My cute little Victoria Secret bras are not cutting it anymore! Not to mention that at night, when I take off my bra to sleep, they are very sore. I think I might need a sleeping bra or something, plus a few that actually fit me during the day.

And even though I haven't gained any weight on the scale, I'm definitely bloated. And with the 17 pounds I gained from the year and a half of fertility drugs, I was pushing the seams on my clothes as it was. Now it's on the brink of unmanageable. So much for being able to squeeze into the extra room in my regular clothes for a while!

I'm debating if I should just go buy a few things in the next regular size, or take the plunge into maternity. Maternity at 10/11 weeks, though, that seems way too soon for a first child. It also feels a little like tempting fate... Plus, I'm wondering if it might be a pretty safe bet that I won't lose all my pregnancy weight in the 6 weeks before I'll need to return to work (ya think???), and be happy to have a few larger, non-maternity sizes in my closet.

It's good to have to think about these dilemmas!

Made my day!

2009-06-02T17:13:00.003-04:00

I think I mentioned that my last progesterone level from the clinic had dropped from 21 to 19 down to 15 as of my last clinic appointment. And I had gotten all worried and nervous about it. Even though I was reassured it was fine by two clinic nurses and my OB, I still didn't like that number.

So I asked the OB to include it in the bloodwork I had done last Wed. She agreed, although she warned me that it might come in lower and that I SHOULD NOT WORRY if it does. (Who me? worry???)

Well, I just heard back from my OB's nurse today (they are nowhere near as quick as the clinic, that's for sure!) and my new progesterone level is 27.8!

I like that number a lot!

A change in perspective

2009-06-02T11:12:00.004-04:00

Ok, you guys all know the drill... you've been trying to conceive forever, and then all of a sudden, everyone you know is announcing they're pregnant. And it kills you a little bit inside each time, even if you're really happy for them, right?

For me, being so "logical", I would always try to justify why is wasn't "right" that they got pregnant and we couldn't yet, when really, there's no logic in it at all. The only part of infertility that seems logical to me is that if you do what I do, and wait until you're 39 to try to have a baby, you just might have a hard time!

But would I have done anything differently? Do I wish I had a baby at 18? No. Do I wish I had a baby at any point when I was single? No. Do I wish I had a baby with my first husband? Definitely no. So there's no second guessing, it just is what it is - a situation where the odds were against me going in.

Anyway... back to the change in perspective. Not long after I started going to the first IVF clinic, when I was still so hopeful with those first IUIs, I ran into someone I knew. I had started my new job only about 6 months ago, and here was the finance guy walking out of the clinic as I was in the waiting room. We both kind of looked at each other and nodded, and that was it.

Back at work, he has to run some monthly reports for me, so we continued our normal working relationship without ever making reference to seeing each other. I was very nervous because it's always way "worse" for a woman in business to have a baby vs. a man, and I didn't want anyone to know what I was trying to do, especially so soon after taking this new job. And let's face it - I'm sure he was fairly embarrassed, too. We all know when we see a man walking out of the back of an IVF clinic by himself what he was probably just doing a few minutes ago... But I didn't ask him if it was a "good batch", he didn't make any mention of my intentions, we both kept it very discreet and professional.

Fast forward about a year or so, and here I am yesterday, working away, when I get the office-wide email announcing the birth of a new baby. Never a welcome email for an infertile, but guess whose it was? Yup, the finance guy. Now, if this was 3 months ago, before I became pregnant, but after 3 filed IUIs and 2 failed IVFs, it would have just about killed me.

But with my new perspective, I was truly happy for him!

A little of this and that

2009-06-01T16:08:00.002-04:00

Just some random thoughts today...

1) First, I have been very delinquent. My two followers - Best When Used By and Sandra D have both nominated me for the sisterhood award. How awesome! I'm so glad people enjoy reading my blog and it's so nice when they tell you that. So thank you both! And I will be posting my nominees soon...

2) Need to acknowledge my DH... Just this weekend, I saw that he picked up a book about bonding with your baby. He told me that he knows it's early, but he wants to read as much as he can before the baby is born. And the other night, he came upstairs specifically to tell me that he wanted to make sure that sooner, rather than later, we discussed exactly what we'll do, and all the contingencies, when I'm going into labor (who to call, what to bring, what if I'm at work? etc.) so that he'll be sure to be prepared. He's so awesome!

3) IF (if, if, if, if...) everything continues to go well, we are planning on "announcing" our situation to extended family at our Father's Day bbq. We'll be 12.5w along at that point, and will have seen the heartbeat again at the 1st tri screening just a few days before. I think that's a pretty cool time to make this announcement!

4) I need to travel to Chicago for a 2 day trip, right before the 1st tri screening. I don't know why, but I really don't like the idea of flying while I'm pregnant. I did a one day trip to Boston not too long ago, and that was fine (except for the 3 hour delay getting home...). I'm going to need to talk to my doc and find out when I can reasonably tell my boss no more flying. First, though, I'll have to tell my boss that I'm pregnant, I guess! That won't be fun. We're in different offices, and never see each other, so I'm not worried about him spotting it, but once the first tri is over, I feel I'm obligated to tell to give the most notice possible.

5) My hunger is not as bad as it was at the beginning (uh-oh, is that a bad sign???), but my tiredness is still going strong. And still, not a drop of nausea. I think I'm very lucky in that area - my girlfriend who is 1.5 weeks ahead of me has been throwing up multiple times a day for the past 4-5 weeks. Poor thing!

6) Speaking of being tired... DH and I played golf at one of my favorite courses yesterday. I like this course because it's an "executive course", meaning par 60 instead of par 72, so even though there are 18 holes, they are shorter and easier. Well, it was the perfect day, not too hot, nice breeze, no one ahead of us slowing us down... and I was exhausted by the 15th hole, I couldn't even finish. Mind you, we were riding the cart, not walking the course! I'm really not used to being this tired all the time!!

7) 17 days and counting before I get an ultrasound. I'm really trying to be calm, but every blog or chat board I read seems to mention a miscarriage at 10+ weeks. I think I need to stop reading to keep sane. I am going to try my best to tough it out and not beg for a quickie before then, since there's NOTHING I CAN DO if there's a problem.

I think that about wraps it up for today!

3 weeks

2009-05-28T09:43:00.003-04:00

Three weeks - that's how long I have to wait for my next appointment. We do our 1st trimester screening and genetic counseling on June 18. This will include an ultrasound (which will be much better quality than the OB's u/s machine), so I'll get to see our little one again.

I'm not sure how I'm going to feel about a 3 week period with no ultrasound. Especially as this falls in the last part of my first trimester.... I feel like additional security is right around the corner if I can make it past week 12 or 13. Not that anything becomes guaranteed, but the odds get much better, and that's comforting to me.

But I hope I don't panic and stress, and I can make it through fairly easily. I can see my IVF clinic every day from the window in my office, it's right across the street about half a block from where I work. Will I be tempted to call them in another week or so and see if they'll take me for a quickie u/s to calm my fears? Would they even do that???

I got to thinking about 3 weeks some more.... and I realized that since a year and a half ago, I haven't gone 3 weeks without some sort of doctor's appointment. Whether it was fertility testing, bloodwork, monitoring, IUIs, IVFs, consults, or even the regular pap smears, mammograms and dentist xrays that I squeezed in between procedures during the "safe" weeks. Isn't that crazy??? 18 months, and never more than about a week and a half without seeing a doctor, nurse or lab technician.

Maybe I should really try to enjoy this 3 week medical holiday!!

Underwhelmed!

2009-05-26T13:02:00.003-04:00

So, I had my first OB appointment today, and I have to say - very underwhelmed! First, the nurse practitioner was caught in traffic, so I had this assistant, who knew nothing, take my history. Then the doc was running over an hour late. And the u/s equipment they have - total crap!! Seriously, it was so hard to really see anything. She was apologizing at how poor the picture is compared to the 4 u/s I showed her from the clinic, and it can't even measure the heartbeat!

But we did see our little one! And while we couldn't measure the heartbeat, she pointed out the fluttering on the screen to show it was there. Measuring the CRL length was funny, though... because of the bad quality, it was hard to tell where it really ended. The first measuring was 18, which was 1.5 less than on Friday! I said wait a minute, did it shrink??? She said nah, just bad quality on the screen, so she tried again and got 21, which put me at 8w6d, exactly where I am chronologically. I said "Sold - I'll take that one!"

Even though the logistics were not optimal today, I really like my doc a lot. She was so happy that we conceived naturally, and she totally gets my anxiety. She added a TSH and P4 to my bloodscreen, just to make me happy, and she said that while I'm not really considered high risk, I can go talk to the high risk team at the hospital when I go for my 1st trimester screening in two weeks, and if I want a referral, she'll give it to me.

Believe it or not, I'm actually feeling pretty calm about everything. The reality is - if I'm going to miscarry first trimester, there's nothing they can really do about it. So lots of appointments isn't going to help in any real way. We'll see what the high risk team says, but I might just proceed normally if everything continues to go well.

And that means monthly OB visits til July, then bi-weekly after that, and weekly near the end. With a lot of genetic / chromosomal screening mixed in. That's where my doc thinks my risk is - downs or other abnormalities - due to my age. And we're doing all the screening so that will be covered.

We spent some time discussing CVS vs. Amnio. CVS can be done in the first trimester, is just as accurate as the amnio, but has a higher miscarriage rate. Amnio is not done until week 16 or later, still has a risk of miscarriage, but not as much. My doc said that we can use the results of the 1st tri screening to see how likely we are to have an issue. I'm leaning towards waiting for the amnio, as I don't like any greater chance of miscarriage. But if the odds are very high that there could be a problem, I might opt for the CVS. I guess we'll just have to see...

A little less worried

2009-05-25T15:33:00.005-04:00

Well, being who I am, I couldn't just wait around all weekend for an answer, so after my nurse didn't answer my email in the next hour or so, I left a message for the clinic on the non-emergency line. And a nurse called me back at 7:30am on Saturday morning - now that's good service!

She said that in a natural pregnancy, it's very normal for progesterone to fluctuate between 10 and in the 20's, and that at 15.6, I wasn't even close to where they'd be worried. She said she understand the drop makes me uncomfortable, but I shouldn't take progesterone supplements, and with the way everything else was developing, she really didn't think I needed to worry.

And then my regular nurse emailed me back later on Sat and said basically the same thing, and that my OB probably won't even be monitoring my progesterone. It's funny, another one of my friends who got pregnant two weeks before me with an IUI at a different clinic said her clinic doesn't even check bloodwork once they see the fetal pole on the ultrasound. So she had no idea what her progesterone or HCG level were, and they had never even checked her TSH level (which is the one I needed to go on Synthroid because of). And she's had 2 prior miscarriages. It's very strange - the different protocols at different places.

I wonder if having all the information I have is a good thing, or if it just gives me more ways to panic about things that are fine. I'm always a proponent of more information, but maybe there could be something to the blissfully unaware way...

Next stop - OB on Tues morning!

A little worried

2009-05-22T16:43:00.003-04:00

Hmmmm....

So, after my great u/s this morning, DH and I went out for breakfast (our little routine), and then I decided to work from home since we were closing early, and I've been so tired lately. After a little work and a few conference calls this morning, I decided to go out and get my nails done and do a little shopping (sadly, none of my summer clothes fit and we're heading to the shore house tomorrow).

I noticed I got the "numbers" email from the nurse, but couldn't view it on the blackberry as you have to log into a secure mailbox and I've been having problems my bberry on the internet. But I also had a voicemail from my nurse saying everything looks great, congrats, send pictures, etc. She said to have the OB monitor the TSH, and to continue with the Synthroid I'm on. So great, I'm feeling good.

But then I got home and checked the numbers.

BLOOD LEVELS:
E2 Level: 952
HCG Level: 97425
P4 Level: 15.6

My progesterone has dropped to 15.6. It been at 21, 19, 19 for the previous 3 weeks. Now I'm a little concerned. I'm not on any supplements, since this was a natural pregnancy, but I don't like seeing it drop like that. I'm afraid that could indicate a pending miscarriage. Everything I've read says that while it fluctuates, it usually continues to slowly rise throughout the first trimester until it reaches the minimum level for the 2nd trimester, around 20.

I emailed the nurse back, but I'm sure she's gone for the day. And with the holiday, I don't think I'll get an answer back until Tuesday. I know I should try not to worry, but I'm definitely not crazy about this decline...

I've Graduated!

2009-05-22T10:06:00.002-04:00

The ultrasound this morning was great! Our little bean is now measuring 19.49mm, almost an inch! And the heartbeat is up to 174bpm. Everything is measuring as it should, and the doc was happy. He pointed out an arm and a leg and the umbilical cord... it was pretty cool (although to be honest, I couldn't REALLY recognize what he was pointing out, but I took his word for it!).

So that's it. I'm done with the fertility clinic (assuming my numbers come in good for the blood work). And I hope to never have to go back there again!!! I liked them a lot (compared to the first clinic), but I can't say I'll have fond memories of the place. Especially since they didn't technically get me pregnant. Although I truly believe that all the stimulating of my ovaries the month before helped there to be more activity in my off month... I don't look back and think this would have happened even if I didn't go through all the treatments.

DH and I are in agreement that as long as everything continues to work out well and we have this baby, then we'll continue to try naturally (in a "relaxed" fashion!) for a second, but we don't need to put ourselves through all the stress of fertility treatments. We'd love to have two or three children, but can be EXTREMELY happy with only one. Especially at my age - I'll be 41.5 when I deliver. And conceiving at age 40 was no picnic for me, so I can only assume it will go downhill pretty quickly.

I realize that I am starting to believe in this. I didn't panic this week a few days before the ultrasound. I actually felt fairly confident that everything would be good, and it was! I did have a jolting thought this morning that it would be bad news, as payback for feeling so confident, but I was able to suppress that pretty quickly. I found that I was extremely exhausted for most of this week, more than just the usual tired. So I guess having that symptom kind of reassured me in a way that things were still developing. (Didn't help me get things done at work, but helped my sanity!).

It feels good to start to believe!

The numbers - 7w

2009-05-15T13:37:00.001-04:00

BLOOD LEVELS:

HCG Level: 64675
P4 Level: 19.2

According to the nurse, all looks good! I wish the progesterone was getting a little higher, but they don't seem to be worried. And apparently it's too early to test my TSH level to see if the Synthroid has kicked in.

Friday will be my last appointment with the clinic, and then I have my first OB appointment on Tuesday, right after the holiday. It's exciting to think that I might, just might, be entering into "normal" territory. But at almost 8 weeks, I think I have at least 4-5 more weeks before I start to feel a little less nervous. My "calm" from the promising appointment on Friday is already starting to disappear.

Although I do have a new symptom. Exhaustion! Yesterday and today I'm just utterly exhausted... I'm so tempted to close my office door and curl up for a little nap. Not the best career move, though! Luckily there's still no nausea or weird cravings, and I'm still doing my best to eat healthy and curb the junk food. Oh yeah, and I woke up today with two lovely zits, very similar to what I usually get right before my period. I was hoping pregnancy might cure those! Oh well...

Here's hoping for another uneventful week and another great appointment on Friday!!

Less than 5%

2009-05-15T08:10:00.002-04:00

Sounds like the kind of depressing news we all hear about our chances to conceive, right? I remember way back when, with my blocked fallopian tube AND diminished ovarian reserve, the RE told me I had a very small chance of conceiving naturally or with IUI. Single digit percent chance of success. They recommended IVF right away.

But this time "less than 5%" was music to my ears. That was what the doc said this morning was my chance of having a miscarriage! And at 40 years old, I started out with a 30% chance at the beginning of this pregnancy. So less than 5% sounds great right about now! (Although I did beat the odds by getting pregnant in the first place, of course the cynic in me always remembers that...).

It was a great appointment this morning. The heartbeat went up to 154, and the CRL (crown-to-rump length) went up to 11.23. Everything is exactly where is should be according to the real doc and google doc. He said he thinks everything is developing well and that it's a "solid pregnancy".

So I'm going to bask in the glory for a few days before I start getting myself all worked up before next Friday's scan!

Need to get my head back in the game

2009-05-11T16:17:00.003-04:00

This TTC business is all consuming!

I realized that ever since I've gotten my BFP, I really haven't done a lot of work! Sure, I'm keeping up with my to-do's, reviewing the work of my team, meeting my client deadlines... But I'm just doing what I need to do to get by. And that doesn't cut it in my field! I need to be proactive, sell more work, network more, develop more. I can't afford to have a bad year, and especially with the boss I have, I'd better show signs of having an extra good year before I tell him I'm pregnant!!

But what have I been doing with my time? Writing blog posts, reading blog posts, googling statistics about heart rates, miscarriage, ordering various books, and yes, I admit it.... browsing around on Babies R Us. Ugghhh, I know it's way too soon, but I can't help it!

But here's the problem... I need to stop goofing off and get my head back in the work game. I don't have the option of quitting, or cutting back. My salary is what pays the bills and there's no way around it. Not to mention that we have a vacation home at the Jersey shore that we usually rent out in the winter to college students to help pay the mortgage. Usually it's rented by March for the following fall, and we still dont have it rented. Last summer, we even rented it for 2 months in the summer to help pay the IVF bills (you can get pretty decent $$ for the summer at the shore). This year, still not rented at all in the summer. The economy is hitting everyone, that's for sure.

So without the rental money we had last year, and without a pay raise this year (our company froze all pay raises), I need to work extra hard for a good bonus and to keep my job secure!!

I wish my company would put google on their restricted web site list!

A really nice day

2009-05-11T10:55:00.003-04:00

Well, yesterday was as good of a Mother's Day as possible, short of having my own child already!

It was great having just a small gathering - Mom, stepdad, little brother, nephew. My nephew is almost 4 years old, and his mother tragically died during routine surgery a few months ago, at age 31. I don't know how my brother is doing it... she was the love of his life, his high school sweetheart. It's just so, so sad. He told me that having my nephew made him realize that he had something so important to do and that's what keeps him going. I admire him to no end.

And my nephew is adorable. He had never been to our house, and he had a blast. It was too cold for the pool, but he thought it was just the greatest thing and wants to come back in the summer. We have a "tree house" in the back, made by the previous owner, and he had the best time climbing around in that. After dinner, we made s'mores in the fireplace, and he thought that was very cool.

But mostly, he loved playing "rock band" (xbox) drums with DH. We all went down to the basement where hubby has his "man cave" - the big screen TV, lots of guitars, keyboards, bongos, etc., and the rock band drums, guitar, and microphone. We took turns playing the drums and all the instruments. It was a lot of fun!! I saw my husband showing him how to do things, and it was great to see him being "fatherly". My nephew is counting down the days when he can come back "in the summer" and stay with us.

After everyone left we talked about what a good time we had. It was so great to see my nephew and brother having such fun. And it also was fun to imagine raising our child in our home. We can't wait! Please let this pregnancy work for us!!!

Mother's Day

2009-05-08T13:19:00.001-04:00

Definitely one of the toughest days for an infertile. Two years ago, I had JUST gotten married a few weeks before. We (I) hadn't even gotten the first AF while married yet. And even though the rational side of me already knew the possible difficulties I would be facing at almost-39, the rest of me thought that by the following year, I'd either have a baby, or be sporting a pretty big belly!

Then last year, I was just coming off our first negative IUI, after receiving bad news at the infertility testing, and having no luck with just chlomid for a few months. In our family, I traditionally throw a big BBQ's for Mother's and Father's Day. And luckily, my family and my in-laws all get along really well, so these are usually pretty large bashes - 30+ people at least. My heart really wasn't in it last year, to say the least.

Now this year is strange. I don't have to deal with the big party, since I had canceled when I originally thought I would be in the middle of my 3rd IVF. I haven't told extended family about my pregnancy, so I left the canceled party alone (besides, I'm trying hard not to stress!), and am just having my mom, step-dad, brother and nephew over for a very casual dinner. So the day itself will be very enjoyable and stress-free, but I'm not sure what I'm feeling.

Am I a mother now? Do I celebrate Mother's Day as a mom? I don't feel like a mother, and I feel like it could all go away at any minute. This is a very weird in-between stage where I'm not sure what I feel, what I can believe in, what I can count on. Make no mistake, I'll take this uncertainly over the feelings I had last year, no doubt! I guess I'm just surprised to feel so confused about it.

So I'm not expecting to be celebrated in any official way. This year, my surprise, out-of-the-blue BFP last month and the heartbeat I saw yesterday are the best gifts I could ever imagine!

The numbers - 6w

2009-05-07T14:39:00.002-04:00

Just got the numbers back from this morning (I love that they automatically email me everything, including drug instructions and next appointment - so very convenient!).

BLOOD LEVELS:
E2 Level: 941
HCG Level: 31805
P4 Level: 19.1

The nurse said the numbers look good. I was a little concerned that the progesterone had dropped a tiny bit. But the nurse said that was fine, that it does fluctuate, and they are looking for it to be over 10. And I've seen online that first trimester should be 10-47. So I'm in the safe zone.

They told me to stop the Estrace pills, since they've now seen the heartbeat, and we scheduled my next visit for next Friday. Funny thing is, they're not testing my E2 or TSH next time, just the P4 and HCG. When my regular nurse gets back next week, I'll ask her why they aren't testing those. I would think they'd want to check the E2 since I'm stopping the Estrace pills, and I would like to see how the TSH is doing now that I'm on Synthroid. Curious. Maybe they're waiting until the last appointment?

Oh, and I have my due date! December 30th. Very cool.

Happiness

2009-05-07T08:59:00.002-04:00

We saw the fetal pole and heartbeat!

I think we are at 6w1d, and the fetal pole measures 4.21, which the doc says was right where it should be (and I confirmed on google!)

And then the heartbeat was 109 bpm. That sounded low to me, but he said they were looking for over 90 at this stage, so he thought it was good. Online, I've seen 100 as the low range for 6w, so I guess this is OK, but I definitely want to see it rise next week!

He wants me to come back for two more weeks and meanwhile, he told me to schedule an appointment with my OB for 3 weeks from now. It will be fun to make that call!

So I'm feeling good. But still nervous, of course. I'll have a few days of happiness, then a few days of dread before my next appointment. Next Thursday I need to fly to Boston for the day, so I hope they schedule me for Wednesday instead of Friday. Although maybe Friday would be better, since I'm nervous about flying, and it would be nice to go in right after...

But I'm happy. And I'm going to enjoy it for a while and really, really try to push the worry away!

Nervousness and excitement

2009-05-06T11:22:00.005-04:00

Grrrrr. I'm getting nervous again for my u/s tomorrow. I hate that feeling! How nice would it be to just enjoy this without so much anxiety....

But I'm trying real hard to think positive! I went to Barnes & Nobles yesterday and spent a lot of time in the pregnancy section. Honestly, I felt a little like an impostor. But I did buy a few interesting books. Aside from the "basics" (What to Expect, Girlfriend's Guide, etc. that I had already downloaded on my Kindle), I found a book called the Working Woman's Guide to Pregnancy, and another about high risk pregnancy. I'm hoping these will be very helpful and might be a little more relevant for me than the typical pregnancy books.

And then the hopeful / tempting fate side of me bought two scrapbook, keepsake type books, where you can write down your thoughts, pictures, ultrasound pics, etc. I love the idea of scrapbooking. In fact, 2 years ago, I went out and bought all kinds of scrapbooking "stuff". I don't want to even think about how much I spent, I had to have all the cool tools! And do you know how many books I've put together??? You guessed it. Zero. I do well with creating really nice photo books on Shutterfly, but traditional scrapbooking, not so much. So maybe I'll turn over a new leaf here, who knows?

Well, when I got home, you know what DH said after he looked at all the books and laughed? He said to me, "You know how when I go to Home Depot, I always peek my head into the Petco next door and look at the puppies? Well, yesterday, when I went to the Depot, I walked around Babies R Us for an over an hour." And he showed me the two books he had purchased - pregnancy from a man's perspective, and signing for babies.

Awwwww! :)

Just relax? Uggghhh!

2009-05-04T13:38:00.007-04:00

"Just relax, you're thinking about it too much" (everyone's advice)

"I know a friend of a friend, and as soon as they started to adopt, they got pregnant" (and actually, that did happen to my stepmother)

"All you have to do is stand on your head after sex and you'll get pregnant, it worked for me" (happened to my girlfriend)

You've all heard this, and it makes you nuts, right? First of all - you can't relax when you're injecting yourself every night, going to the doc every morning, and timing sex, and taking pills. You just can't. Period.

And the adoption thing. Ok, maybe that does happen to some people, but we all know for a fact it doesn't happen to everyone that adopts. And I'm not comfortable with the odds on that. Even the IVF odds for a 40 year old seem a little better.

Standing on your head? Well, I'm no physicist, but I'm not sure I see how that's going to help the sperm get through a blocked tube. Or fertilize an egg that was never ovulated. Or improve the quality of old eggs. But maybe I just need to look harder...

As I started down this infertility path, and read blogs and talked to people, I realized I was going to encounter these types of comments and how annoyed it was going to make me feel. I became pretty good at blowing it off, not wanting to get into a big deal about it, and not particularly wanting to get into my personal biological details.

But one friend (let's call her "E") recently said the "just relax, stand on your head" double whammy just one too many times and I let her have it. Nicely. I explained to E that while I'm sure she didn't mean it, saying "just relax" was the absolute worst thing you can say to someone with fertility issues. That it's impossible to relax, and now that becomes yet one more thing you're not doing right, etc., etc. E was appropriately apologetic, although maybe a bit offended. And I certainly don't think she "got it".

Fast forward to last month, in between my IVF cycles. In the past, I had hoped and hoped that I would get pregnant "in the nick of time" to save me from doing IVF. I used OPKs, I'd make sure we had sex every other night during the peak period, I'd test starting at day 27... And believe me, it was no fun. My DH knew it was "that time" giving him performance anxiety, and if it didn't work, I'd be so upset, but hide it from him knowing it wasn't his fault at all. But he'd still know I was upset, which made him feel bad, which would cause the next time not to work, which would make him feel worse. Oh, it was a regular riot. Anyone who says that "trying" is fun is LYING, I'm still hoping our sex life recovers when all is said and done!

But back to last month. I almost felt relief that we were going pretty much right into a new cycle, instead of several months of that hell called "trying" in between. I didn't count the days until ovulation. I didn't schedule sex. And honestly, I don't think we had sex more than once a week for most of the month. I drank some wine again. I just had enough of trying, I was tired and bummed from the last IVF/BFN, I had very little hope of IVF even working for us, so I gave us the month off.

And it happened. I relaxed and it happened.
I'm definitely not telling E!!

But seriously, how can that be???? Have "they" been right all along? We just need to relax?? But then I remember... One Saturday morning, my friend from England was spending the weekend with us. We had a nice dinner Friday night, glass or two of wine, lots of catching up. We were heading to Atlantic City the next day for a little blackjack, and then playing golf on Sunday. It was shaping up to be a fun weekend. Sat morning, DH and I made love and lingered in bed for a bit after. It was really nice. I remember thinking that it had been a while since we enjoyed it like that.

And then I started thinking, wait a minute, let me count the days... it had been 12 days since AF. I usually ovulate on day 14-15, so I made a mental note to be sure to do it again on Monday, which was day 14, figuring that would also cover me for day 15. So I did. I didn't tell DH it was "time", so there was no pressure (on him) and we went to "completion". And that was it - no more planned sex that month.

So I guess on the one hand, you could say it was the "relaxed", unplanned Sat morning fun that did the trick. But on the other hand, it could have been the planned, Monday BD that worked for us. I'll never know for sure, but I can't accept that the "just relax" people might be right, so I'm putting my Atlantic City money on the scheduled, planned Monday sex. That's definitely the one that did it for us - it was much closer to ovulation and it makes more sense (even though the nurse thinks I may have ovulated early based on my hormone numbers...).

Being a control freak pays off, relaxing doesn't. Yup, that's my story and I'm sticking with it!

The next milestone

2009-05-04T09:53:00.003-04:00

My faithful follower asked me "what's next" after my last post.

And of course, that's the funny thing. For "normal" women, what's next is to go to a few doc appointments, and start planning the nursery. For me, however, there are are many, many little steps before I even go to see my regular doc.

1) Take all the pills. I need to remember to take the Synthroid when I first wake up, along with an estrogen pill. Then I have to wait til lunch to take the prenatal vitamin (supposedly, the iron in the prenatal can lessen the effectiveness of the synthroid). Then take another estrogen at night. This step - piece of cake. I can remember to do this.

2) Ultrasound on Thursday. This is the big one. I'll be 6w, and they want to see the fetal pole and the heartbeat. I've been having the most bizarre, horrible dreams every night that nothing has developed and they'll tell me it's over. Last night, I dreamt that instead of a fetal pole, there was an old, junky, beat up car in my uterus that was emitting toxic fumes, and a bunch of deformed people got out of the car (into my uterus, I guess?? it got a little fuzzy after that). I can only imagine the interpretation of this dream. Clearly I'm nervous!

3) More ultrasounds and bloodwork. I think the clinic wants to keep me there until 8 weeks, doing weekly u/s and bloodwork. They want to test my TSH again to see if a dosage change is needed before turning me over to my OB

4) Convince OB to classify me as "high risk". I hope this won't be hard. I want the most careful monitoring by a high risk OB in concert with my regular OB. I don't fit the "standard" definition of high risk. I'm over 40, but I have no other indicator (such as carrying multiples, prior mc's or medical conditions) that would classify me as high risk. But I feel that since I've paid 25k out of pocket for treatments that insurance should have covered but didn't, now they owe me. They owe me the most careful and attentive medical care possible. They didn't help me get pregnant, so they should help me stay pregnant with more frequent monitoring, more testing, etc. So I will beg my OB for it.

5) STOP EATING JUNK FOOD! I'm trying, I really am. I have no problem avoiding fried food, deli meats, soft cheeses, etc. I'm even over my wine (and I REALLY liked my wine!). But I'm a sugar addict. And I would compensate by running 3 miles and lifting weights every morning. Now, I need to just stop stuffing my face with sugar. I'm getting better, but an apple after dinner DOES NOT replace a tub of chocolate chip cookie dough very well. Sigghh..

Control freak? Is that a bad thing???

2009-05-03T17:27:00.002-04:00

Yes. I am a control freak, no doubt. But is that a bad thing?

Being a "control freak" at work meant that I was organized, on top of everything, and became really successful. And being successful at work has allowed me to be financially secure, have a nice house, a vacation home, a healthy retirement account, and mostly - the ability to pay for fertility treatments without going into debt.

Being a "control freak" in my personal life means that all the bills are paid automatically through Quicken, the house is organized, service people come when scheduled, I convinced my dry cleaner to pickup and deliver to my house, and I even have my groceries delivered. I've found ways to make as many of the mundane chores easier, so I can have more time for the fun stuff.

Which made the fact that I couldn't control my fertility, even more frustrating! (Maybe there's a lesson there, somewhere?)

But of course, I still approached the fertility issue with the same "enthusiasm" as I approach the other areas of my life. It was overwhelming at first, but I researched, talked to people, asked a ton of questions, and learned as much as I could about it. And I couldn't understand how some of my friends and acquaintances could go through this and NOT learn about everything and just float through the treatments obliviously. Different strokes, I guess!!

And to justify my "enthusiasm", there were a few things that have happened throughout my journey that make me thankful I approach things the way I do.

1) During my second IVF, the nurse forgot to order the antibiotics for my husband. When I reviewed the order, luckily I compared it to my first IVF, and although many of the stims were different, I happened to notice it was missing. So I let her know, she saw she had forgotten, and we were able to get it in plenty of time.

2) During my first IVF, I blindly picked up all the drugs my nurse had ordered at the start of the cycle. As it turned out, I needed more than what was initially ordered, and luckily was able to beg for donated drugs. During my second IVF, the nurse mistakenly ordered twice the amount of stims needed. The correct dose would have been about $500 a day, and the drugs are not returnable once you buy them, so catching that mistake saved me about $3-4k.

3) Even just this past Friday, when I was told I needed to go on Synthroid, the nurse said she would call it into my pharmacy. Luckily I called the pharmacy an hour before they closed, and they didn't have the order. I had to call the emergency night nurse and get her to call it in for me so I could start it that night.

Hmmmm... maybe the problem is my nurse who seems to have difficulty getting the drugs right!! But that's OK, because she patiently responds to all my detailed emails and questions, and that keeps me calm.

And luckily the control freak in me has her back when it comes to the drugs!

So much for good numbers!

2009-05-01T14:01:00.003-04:00

Just got the thyroid numbers (TSH) back. Mine are elevated. They wanted to see under 2.5, and mine is 4.3. I have to pick up Synthyroid, and start taking that everyday.

Ok....

But of course I started googling it, and there are major issues that can occur with an elevated TSH - late miscarriage, low IQ, vision problems, developmental problems. Ugghhh!

My nurse did say that it's very common to find this in early pregnancy and that by taking the meds to reduce the TSH, I have nothing to worry about. In fact, she said the meds will lower the TSH, and that they've seen lower incidence of miscarriage with lower TSH. So maybe there's a silver lining?

I will try to listen to my nurse and freak out here, but I don't like this!

The numbers - 5w

2009-04-30T15:04:00.003-04:00

Just got the email from my nurse, and these are my numbers:

HCG Level: 7122
P4 Level: 21.5

They are EXACTLY where I was hoping they would be. I'm a math and computers major - I really like when numbers are good!

I also found out that I'm rh positive, which is a good thing - no potential conflict with the fetus. (If the mother is negative and the father is positive, there's a chance that the fetus could be positive. A positive fetus with a negative mother could cause some issues. But if the mother is positive, it doesn't matter what the fetus is, you will be compatible no matter what).

And then my nurse said she'd get the results of the TSH on Friday or Monday and let me know. What's the TSH you ask? Or, at least I asked Dr. Google (I had never heard of it before). It has to do with the thyroid. I don't know much, just that these are the normal ranges:

TSH
First Trimester: 0.24 - 2.99
Second Trimester: .46-2.95
Third Trimester: .43 - 2.78

So, one more thing to hope for! I seem to be doing pretty good in the numbers department so far, so I'm hoping it will be another positive reinforcement.

New topic - fetal doppler. Has anyone used one? I recently read about them, and was really excited about the idea of renting or buying one. Hey - I have to spend my saved IVF money on something, right? All of a sudden, a few hundred dollars feels like peanuts compared to fertility costs!

I was excited until I came home and told DH about it. He was not as thrilled. See, he knows me really well - he said I'll be using it every day, and the minute I can't find a heartbeat, I'll panic, cause him to panic, and go nuts trying to get in to see the doc. And you know what, I think he's right! I was thinking it would be reassuring, but I think it has the potential to cause more stress, not less. I'm wondering if anyone has any experience with this?

First ultrasound - 5w

2009-04-30T08:30:00.003-04:00

Whew.

The ultrasound went well, he said everything looked right where it should be. We saw one gestational sac measuring 9mm, and there's a tiny yolk sac present. And he said it's too early to hear a heartbeat or see a fetal pole yet.

The doc confirmed I'm at 5 weeks, but after googling about measurements and pregnancy dating, my guess is that I ovulated a few days early, so maybe I'm 5w and 2-3d. They'll see me next week for another ultra, hopefully to hear the heartbeat then.

I'll get my bloodwork results this afternoon, so I'm expecting an HCG of around 7000-7500, and prog in low 20's.

It was pretty cool to see the sac, DH shed a few tears. Then we went to a nearby diner for breakfast and started talking names and nursery colors. Way ahead of ourselves for sure, but I want to try to enjoy this pregnancy, and not worry the entire time. So easy to have a rosy outlook when coming from a promising doctor's appt - we'll see how I'm doing in a few days!!!

And while seeing twins would have been thrilling, I'm actually kind of glad we have a singleton. The stress of twins with a demanding, full time job could be a big stretch... Not to mention carrying twins would put me at a higher risk at my age. I'm happy to be right in the "norm" here!

The DH (and pre-ultrasound jitters)

2009-04-29T09:43:00.003-04:00

I haven't written much about my DH on this blog yet, so let me tell you a little about him...

He's the calm one in our relationship. I'll ramble on a mile a minute, get myself worked up about things, and he keeps me grounded. He's the one who fixes and makes things. He's got a garage full of tools and has made so many improvements to the house we bought just last year. Me, I like to buy things online. I have the book smarts, he's got the mechanical smarts. He can do electrical, plumbing, carpentry, and all that handyman stuff, while I make sure we both max out our 401(k)'s and pay our bills - through Quicken, of course (although, oddly, it's me who always hooks up all the home theater and computer equipment - I love doing that. Strange). He works in a family business during the day, and is a personal trainer who travels to his clients' homes in the mornings and evenings. And I've done several marathons and love to run, so we've helped each other improve our workouts.

We compliment each other well. He jokes that we have a role reversal - I bring in the big bucks, manage our finances, and am obsessed with electronic gadgets; and he contributes to our family in other ways closer to home. The last time we had dinner with another couple, me and the husband were going on and on about DVRs, FIOS, wireless routers and IR repeaters. DH and the wife looked at us like we were nuts and called us geeks all night!

So many of the blogs I've read (and people I know personally) talk about husbands who are not supportive during the infertility process. Maybe they don't want to have babies using a petri dish, or are opposed to egg donor, or won't consider adoption, or put their foot down financially. I am so lucky to have a husband who is supportive of whatever I want to do. He tells me that he completely recognizes that it's me doing 90% of everything - going to the docs, getting injections, having my body go through changes, scheduling conflicts with work, dealing with the financial aspect - and he has told me so many times how much he appreciates and loves me for it. He is willing to do whatever I am comfortable with, however many times I want to do it (or not do it), he just wants to have a child with me in whatever form that takes (natural, IVF, DE, adoption).

I'm very lucky to have his unconditional support - it's one less thing to stress me out in the very stressful journey.

PS: I woke up this morning feeling scared about the u/s tomorrow. All of a sudden, I'm terrified they will find it's not viable. It will all be a cruel joke and I'll be right back where I started, feeling foolish I ever thought this would really work for us. I don't have any real strong signs of pregnancy yet - breasts are a little sore (not much), and I have to pee a lot, but that's normal (I drink a ton of water). That's about it. I know it's still very early - about 5 weeks - but I would like to feel something more. I'm trying to think good thoughts and stay positive, but I'm definitely apprehensive.

Can't sleep

2009-04-28T05:48:00.003-04:00

So, it seems I'm waking up at around 4am every day....

Partially because I have to pee (but this is nothing new, I used to get up at least 1-2 times a night to pee anyway), but partially because my mind is racing. It's starting to sink in - I'm pregnant! I told my mom and dad yesterday, and a few close friends who have been following my IVF journey. Everyone is so excited, but I'm still very cautious and nervous.

I'm a little worried, now, about the high HCG. Google tells me it could be an indicator of Downs, which, of course, is a real worry for me at 40 (turning 41 in July). So I'm glad my ultrasound is Thursday, not much time to wait, and then maybe they'll tell me it's twins, or that I'm a week further along than I thought. Either would put my mind at ease a little.

That's the nervous side of me. The happy side of me spent some time on Quicken this morning, and it looks like my final tally (assuming all goes well and we truly get our baby) is about $25k out of pocket when all is said and done. Not bad, not bad at all. On the one hand, it's absolutely crazy, but compared to what I thought we'd have to spend, this is fabulous. I have great insurance coverage for pregnancy, it's just infertility that was lacking.

And the other very cool thing I'm trying to focus on is that my very good friend is also pregnant, and we're within 2 weeks of each other. She just had her 6 week u/s and the doc gave her a due date of Dec 18. I'm calculating mine to be the end of Dec, but it could be sooner. She's also struggled with 2 miscarriages, and 2 injectable IUIs, so she's being very cautious with her excitement with this one. But if we're both good, how fun would that be!!

So I'll try to focus on the good and hopeful thoughts and keep a good attitude. Maybe all my bad luck was used up in the "getting pregnant" process with all the BFNs, and so I'll I'll be lucky in the "staying pregnant" area!

O.M.G.!!!

2009-04-27T14:19:00.003-04:00

OK, this has been a whirlwind weekend....

We were having friends over for dinner on Sat, and about an hour before they were coming over, I decided to POAS. No reason really - I was on day 32, pretty normal for me. Feeling all the signs of AF - mild cramps, tender breasts. I remember that after my first IVF, the following cycle was 35 days, so I really didn't think anything of being on day 32... plus, I didn't count days or figure out when I was ovulating - no timed sex this month, I gave us a break!!

Well, wouldn't you know it - BFP!!! I expected that when I saw finally that on a pee stick, I would go crazy - laugh, cry, scream.... but I guess I really didn't believe it. I showed DH, and he was also very calm. It was weird. Certainly not the overjoyed, ecstatic moment I always imagined we would have when we found this out. It's amazing what the infertility "journey" does to you.

So we had our friends over, cooked dinner, etc. Then I proceeded to POAS about 5 more times over the weekend, all bright positives, no question about it. I have a collection lined up in my bathroom - different brands, different colors, all positive.

This morning I went for the blood test, feeling pretty confident it would be positive, just wondering what the beta would be. I calculated that I was 18dpo, so I was hoping for a 400 or more. I also had the urge to start the progesterone suppositories, just in case, but the nurse I spoke to on Sun told me to wait for the levels. I was hoping for at least a 9 on the progesterone...

Well, funny thing (and kind of appropriate, too), the first call I received from the clinic was the financial coordinator asking how I'd like to receive my refund, as she understood I wouldn't be cycling this month!! Kind of clued me in to what the nurse was going to tell me!

Then the nurse called and gave me my levels:

BLOOD LEVELS:
E2 Level: 631
HCG Level: 3023
P4 Level: 19.8

Whoa! Over three thousand on the HCG??? I was praying for over 400! The nurse said I probably ovulated early and was further along than we both calculated. But still.... I'm wondering if it could be twins, but it was natural this month - that just doesn't make sense to me. Is it common to produce more eggs after a cycle, do the ovaries continue to run on overdrive even if the meds have stopped?

She also didn't want me to take prog since the level was great (yippee - no suppositories 4 times a day!). The estrogen is elevated because I was taking Estrace to get ready for the next cycle, so she said just continue that until they tell me to get off it. And they want me in for an ultrasound on Thursday, which is slightly under 5 weeks. But they really think I'm further along than the days would suggest.

So, wow!!! I'm still a little (lot) in shock, and trying to hold back on the excitement. Ok, I read about 3 pregnancy books yesterday, and I'm googling everything, but for me, that's calm! I feel like I've passed the chemical pregnancy milestone, but I can't help being worried about ectopic, or regular miscarriage, or genetic disorder of some sort. Lots of hurdles ahead, still.

But hopefully one big hurdle behind me!

Picked up my meds

2009-04-24T11:11:00.003-04:00

Well, still no AF, but I decided to pick up my drugs last night anyway.

I'll need to start injections on Day 2, so if I get my period this weekend, I could end up not having the meds when I need them. I only ordered two days worth - $780. And who knows, maybe I won't even need them? Highly unlikely, but I can hope, right??

Speaking of hope, I'm thinking I might start the process for egg donor, in case this third round doesn't work. I know there's usually a wait to get a donor, so it would probably be a good idea to start the process now rather than wait until after? Or does that mean that I'm not giving this chance "my all"? Or maybe it will help distract me and keep me sane, especially during the 2ww?

I had a consult with my first clinic regarding their egg donor program after the first failed IVF. I liked the coordinator, kind of (DH couldn't stand her!). She was annoying, and talked waaaayyyyy too much about her experience and her thoughts and her beliefs, but on the other hand, you can tell she loves what she does and I want someone who really wants to do this well.

What I mainly liked about the first clinic is the high success rate. For live births with DE, their success rate in SART.org is in the mid 60's. The clinic I'm at now is in the low 50's (which is also the national average). That's a 15% difference! I'm not sure what makes up that difference (they say it's their stringent screening process), but I like those odds!

The DE process will end up costing about $35k. That's an insane amount. The donor gets 8k, the drugs for both of us will be about 6k, and then the doc fees are about 20k. Maybe I will start by writing a letter to them and see if I can get approved for insurance contract rates, rather than paying "retail". I wonder, in this economy, is there a decrease in patients using DE? Would they have an incentive to give me a reduced rate? heck, even if I can get a few thousand shaved off, that would be something.

But again... maybe I won't even need it!

We don't count

2009-04-23T11:25:00.003-04:00

So, my colleague comes into my office last night and closes the door. He has been told he needs to get a list together of 12 people in his group to be laid off at some point this year. (Luckily my business area is growing, even in this economy, so I've been hiring, not laying off. One thing to be thankful for!)

What a horrible thing to have to do. I've had to lay people off in the past, he's had to, too. It stinks. It really stinks.

So he's bouncing names off me and we're debating who should be on/off the list. At one point he says to me:

"When I give the list to [our boss], I'm going to tell him how many kids each of the people have."

What!!?!?!?

Now, first of all, our boss does not care about things like that, he's all business and would probably get annoyed at my colleague for doing that. But more importantly, WHAT!?!?!? He knows I don't have any children . Although he has no idea I'm trying - probably thinks I'm a "career" woman who has no desire for kids. (I do have a great career, and I also want children - how hard is that to imagine??).

I told him that I didn't think he should do that. I asked him if he thought it was any better to lay off someone without children, and I reminded him that I don't have any children. Is it OK to fire me just because I don't have kids? ha ha ha. I don't think he really got it, but he did agree that [our boss] probably wouldn't take well to that bit of information.

I wasn't nearly as aggressive as I should have been. I don't think he was embarrassed at all for saying that. And of course, he has no idea how it made me feel.

I (and people like me) don't count because I don't have kids. I'm expendable. Lovely.

Last one standing

2009-04-23T11:04:00.002-04:00

Let's see... since I started this journey through infertility, I discovered many friends / acquaintances were having struggles, too. It sort of bonds you, even though the reasons and experiences might be different, you share in the pain of not having a child.

Here's a list of my reproductively challenged friends:

A: BFP-mc, BFP-baby boy
B: IVF#1-BFP, twin girls
C: IUIs, IVF#1&2- BFN, IVFwDE#1-mc, IVFwDE#2-BFP, twin girls
D: BFP, mc, BFP, mc, IUI#1-BFN, IUI#2-BPF, pregnant now
E: IUIs, IVF#1&2-BFN, IVF#3-BFP, pregnant now

They're all pregnant or have babies. And I'm so happy for them, really I am, but I feel lonely. I feel scared that I'll be the only one who ultimately can't conceive a child.

OK, today is day 30 and still no AF. But I felt twinges and cramps last night that definitely feel like the signs of AF. I don't think there will be a miracle conception this month. But I still haven't ordered my drugs....

The tiniest little hope

2009-04-22T18:56:00.003-04:00

OK, I always do this to myself.

My cycle is usually 31-32 days. I'm now on day 29. Still taking estrace and waiting for AF. But what if I'm pregnant?? We did do it somewhere close to ovulation, I think. (I stopped counting and peeing, and scheduling - remember - my "whatever" cycle...). So it is possible. Wouldn't that be great??? Should I POAS?? Should I wait another day? Or two?

No, silly, you're not pregnant. Get real. Go ahead and buy the drugs, it won't be a waste of money. Luckily for me, the pharmacy is a few blocks away from my office. I wait for AF before I buy anything "just in case" and I only buy half of the stims up front. Then I pick up one more day's worth each day after I get the afternoon call to stim another day. Just to be sure I don't buy too much and waste any money.

But I still have the tiniest little bit of hope that maybe, just maybe, we've done it the natural way...

This is my "whatever" IVF

2009-04-22T18:48:00.002-04:00

First there was the angry IVF, then the perfectionist IVF. This is going to be my "whatever" IVF.

I stopped the acupuncture (real expensive at $70/week, plus stressful to leave work and go have it done). I've had a glass of wine or two in the last month. Nothing serious, but I'm not going to worry. I'm pretty much going into it with a little hope, and a lot of casualness. I'm not as angry (but still a little), and I'm not running around trying to be perfect (but I'm still trying).

Now, I can't help that I'll be keeping charts each day to show the follicle and lining measurements and comparing to the previous tries. I can't help that I be googling up a storm.

But I guess I'm going into this one with a lot less expectation. Just another $14k out of the bank account. We've already decided that we will go to DE after this. And I will go back to the first clinic because it has a higher success rate by about 15%. I like to have a backup plan (even though I've always changed the plan, I like to have it).

What I can expect with this protocol

2009-04-22T18:41:00.003-04:00

The microdose lupron protocol....

I've been on estrace (estrogen) since day 21 to quiet the ovaries. Once I get my period, I'll go in on day 2 for blood and u/s (any day now).

My meds are as follows:

AM - 20 units of microdose lupron (which is extremely diluted, nothing like the regular lupron protocol)

PM - 20 units of microdose lupon
- 15 units of microdose HCG (also extremely diluted)
- 6 vials of Bravelle.

Yes, my friends, FOUR shots a day! And I asked, but I can't mix them the way you can mix follistim and menopur. I have to do individual shots. Yikes! I think I will have a very sore belly!

So, I'm excited (and nervous) because the meds are completely different than both previous tries. That should shake things up, right? What's that saying - Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results? Well, I'm trying to save my sanity by doing something different this time.